Ex secret agent explains how you can make people respect you in seconds

An ex-secret agent has explained how you can make people respect you in a matter of seconds. Evy Poumpouras a former US Secret Service Special Agent, went into detail on all the things people should do and say in a recent episode of Diary Of A CEO.

Poumpouras is also a multi-media journalist and the co-host of Bravo TV's series ‘Spy Games’. She is also the author of the best-selling memoir, ‘Becoming Bulletproof’.

Speaking to podcast show host and Dragons Den star, Steven Bartlett, the former special agent reeled off her skills. "I'm trained in the art of reading people's body language, verbal cues and even written statements," she said.

While working as a US Secret Service Special Agent, Poumpouras protected presidents, worked undercover and trained in the art of lie detection, human behaviour and cognitive influence. She's now on a mission to help other benefit from the lessons she's learned along the way.

When asked by Bartlett what are the components of getting someone to respect you, she said: "If my goal is to get you to like me, I say this, don't focus on making people like you - because you can do everything right and people may still just not like you. Instead focus on how to be competent.

"When I say I'm going to do something, I follow through. When I say I can't do something, I actually can do it. When I say I'm going to be there at nine, I'm there at 8.55. In the US Secret Service we had a saying, if you're on time you're late.

"So I show you that I'm competent, when you see that, are you going to like me for that? Yes, you are." Bartlett interjected: "I'll respect you."

Bartlett later asked: "What about when your boss or your colleague isn't listening to you, what should you do?" The former secret agent said there is one main factor to bare in mind.

She explained: "It's called paralinguistics, everyone's so focused on what they say, they don't think about the tone or pitch of the voice. But there are simple things you can do to make sure people hear you.

"The other thing is - and I say this a lot when I speak to companies because communication is a big thing - don't just talk to talk. There's this thing out there, and especially with women, where it's like, 'make sure they hear you, make sure your voice is heard at the table'.

"I'm fine with that. But do you have something beneficial to say or value to say? Because if you don't, don't say anything. Half the meetings I go to I don't speak because maybe I have nothing to say."

Poumpouras' top way to get people to respect you quickly:

• Look at people when you speak to them

• Project your voice

• Follow through with what you say you are going to do

• Arrive to places you need to be at earlier than expected

• Be confident in the tone and pitch of your voice

• Try to only speak when you have something of value to say

• Listen more

• Avoid letting your emotions interfere too much
  

Recalling advice she was given from a former CIA member, Poumpouras said: "It is easier to be more have boundaries and be a little bit more sturdy, and more authoritative in the beginning, and then pull back. Than to be everybody's friend first and then try to put those boundaries in place.

"The latter doesn't work. If you do the first, you let people know what you expect of them and then you can pull back a little bit, but you always have to tow that line."

When talking about figuring out what people want, Poumpouras said: "Everybody's motivated by something different. What you want to understand is that person's motivational mindset.

"But the biggest mistake people make is they talk a lot. If I'm doing all the talking and you're doing all the listening, you're learning everything about me.

"You're learning about what I care about, my values, my belief systems, you're getting a good read on me, and I'm learning nothing about you. There's a myth that people think if I do most of the talking I have control - it's garbage."

The bestselling author also discussed the topic of disrespect and ego. If you feel someone has been disrespectful to you, she said: "Just make sure people are truly disrespecting you and that's not your ego that feels disrespected.

"Sometimes people can't take somebody pushing back and if my goal is to make a great product or business deal or transaction then everything we do should be in furtherance of that. But what happens is people are so afraid of hurting other people's feelings or stepping on other people's toes, nobody says something and that's worse."

Poumpouras spent 12 years around people like Bill Clinton and Barack Obama. When asked by Bartlett: "Did you learn anything about leadership?" The ex agent admitted: "They're not driven by emotion, the problem majority people have is they bring their feelings into it."

She added: "You don't want to be an emotional decision maker, it never goes well. Pull back and be objective."