'I felt nothing when my baby was born after comparing myself to Instagram mums'

A despondent new mum confessed she "felt nothing" when her baby girl was born, a consequence of comparing herself to "perfect" Instagram families, leading to postnatal depression and psychosis.

Shannon Finan was thrilled at finding out she was going to be a mum, but felt an invisible pressure from the Instagram perfect-mother posts which led her to "disconnect" from her bump. Her mental wellbeing took a hard blow, and after giving birth to her daughter Orlagh, now one, in June 2023, Shannon found herself struggling to kindle immediate affection.

The single mum, 30, even planned to take her own life before she was admitted to a specialist perinatal unit. Now Shannon feels "deserving" of her daughter and wants to normalise postnatal depression and psychosis.

READ MORE:

• Dads can go for free at Blackpool's Pleasure Beach this Father's Day

• 'I'm raising my kids plant-based and show them cruel farming videos to educate them'

Shannon, an NHS compassionate support worker, said: "All these posts look perfect and you're there struggling on your own. I remember seeing her when I had my c-section.

"That day was the saddest day of my life. My mind had gone. I looked at her wanting to love her but it wasn't there. I just felt nothing."

Shannon was delighted when she fell pregnant in October 2022. She had struggled with anorexia aged 18 and was told the impact of the eating disorder could mean she would struggle to conceive.

She said: "For me it was a miracle. I'd always longed for a family."

Early into the pregnancy she started comparing herself and her family situation to others on Instagram. She said: "I lost myself. I went on a downward spiral.

"I couldn't imagine going on in my life. It's horrible to say but I blamed Orlagh for a long time.

"I completely disconnected from my bump."

At six months pregnant Shannon struggled with suicidal thoughts. She said: "I wanted Orlagh out. I didn't know how to cope with it.

"I felt guilt that I wasn't giving her the best mum. I was crying every day and having suicidal thoughts.

"I remember Googling 'how to keep baby alive but kill myself'. I felt like the devil.

"I wouldn't eat or sleep. I was very erratic."

Shannon's doctors picked up on her mental state straight away and believed she had postnatal depression and postnatal psychosis - although it can't be formally diagnosed until after birth. She was monitored closely and looked after by her parents for the next three months.

She said: "I was high risk. For the next three months, I was carried through birth.

"A lot of people were saying 'when you see Orlagh it will be so much better'."

But when Orlagh was born via a planned c-section - on June 2, 2023, at 1.26pm weighing 7lbs 14oz - Shannon didn't feel better. She said: "I was drowning in sadness.

"I thought - how am I going to give all the love of two parents with my mental state? You deserve better than this. I didn't want to die but I didn't feel I was good enough."

Shannon's mental health got so severe she planned to take her own life when Orlagh was just three weeks old. But, after revealing her plans to her mum, she was admitted to the mother and baby unit in Nottingham - where she spent two weeks.

She said: "It was the best thing I have done. They pieced me back together. It saved my life. Now I know I am good enough."

Now Shannon has counselling and is on medication and started a podcast and social media platform to talk about what she went through. She said: "I want to normalise this. I feel like I have got myself back."

"Orlagh is my best friend. She is my true love.

"She's like me. She's the best baby - she's very interactive.

"She's just thriving. That's all you can want for your child."

Shannon now tries to not get caught up with social media posts. She said: "I'm trying to be mindful - not everything is what it seems on social media.

"I feel we have a trailer of our best bits - it's glamourised. The illness makes you think and see things that are not true."