Festival 101: Your ultimate survival guide

London is at its most ghostly at two times: Christmas, and over the Glastonbury weekend. Offices clear: interns vanish in a cloud of vape smoke; the middle-aged sorts with Oasis hair swap the pub sesh for ponchos. But while Glastonbury is still the boss — music begins tomorrow, before the last hangers-on are hoofed out come Monday — festival season still has plenty of speakers to blow before the year is out. There are, by our count, 107 big ones still on the bill. So whether you’ll be watching the sun go down on Shania Twain, or bopping to Olivia Dean at Love Supreme, here’s how to get back on it.

In the bag

If you haven’t already thought about packing a portable phone-charger, it’s time to hire a minder for the weekend. Last-minute merchants will find spending upwards of £30 pays dividends with recharge time; the Anker 337 Power Bank, with three USBs, is worth the £56.60 outlay (amazon.co.uk), while the PowerCore 10000 does a similar job for considerably less (£17.93, amazon.co.uk); both should give you about three or four charges. Otherwise, look out for Imuto chargers, which have handy digital displays, or those by Juice, which have a decent reputation for sturdiness. Both have models to suit most budgets.

After day three, even the dedicated glampers won’t be feeling fresh. Communal shower phobia? Pack lots of wet wipes for a freshen-up. Normal wipes are fine but if you don’t mind the rather irregular source, 50 huge (read: 33cm x 30cm) wipes can be had for £3.59 from medical supply group Vivactive (vivactive.co.uk). Being bigger, they’re handier for an all-over wash. Otherwise, the vegan-friendly foam that is Shower In A Can will leave you feeling scrubbed up (£9.99, amazon.co.uk), and it’s also worth packing dry shampoo for the same reason. Just opt for a small can, given many festivals don’t permit aerosols over 250ml.

Unless you’re doing it for the look, no need to pack the wellies, given the forecast is hot and dry. Instead, stick to tough old trainers and sandals, so long as you’re careful of cholera in the bog around the bogs. Whatever you wear, with all the traipsing around, blister plasters are a must — Compeed seem toughest (£4.50, boots.com).

Really not willing to risk the weather (go on, live a little)? Raincoats are dealer’s choice but for anyone running low on space, disposable ponchos come in at two for £1.50 at Poundshop (poundshop.com), while sturdier sorts start from £8.99 at Decathlon (decathlon.co.uk).

Otherwise, the general rule holds to always pack one more pair of underwear and one more T-shirt than you think you need; drinks spill, foods fall, and try not to think about whatever is in those bottles that come hurtling into the mosh pit. Speaking of bottles, most festivals have free water refill points, so bring a reusable jobbie; stainless steel is your best bet for durability, keeping drinks cooler for longer, and they can handle a warming cuppa without melting. S’well (from £10.99, cookserveenjoy.com) and Chilly’s (from £22, chillys.com) are the best — promising to keep drinks cool for over a day.

You’ll have thought about a tent and sleeping bag — and if not, seek help — but an inflatable mattress makes the difference between getting a proper sleep and not (and might just save your back). Get whatever; few are tough enough to splash out on. Blacks sell one by Eurohike for £8 (blacks.co.uk). See also: inflatable pillows.

We take it you have the beer covered. Don’t forget your ticket (it happens), your ID, cash, condoms (back yourself), and of course plenty of loo roll. If you can find a pair, cheap plimsolls for the journey home will be a godsend when everything else is sodden. Oh, and suntan lotion; Elmo red is out this year.

Fashion do’s and don’ts

Do: Channel the mid-2000s

• The patron saint of femme festival fashion, Kate Moss, was papped in 2005 wading through the mud in a short gold tunic dress and studded waist belt. Echo this energy with a concho belt; at festivals, the look is timeless. Unless you’re a man, in which case try James Norton’s 2019 Glasto look.

Don’t: Wear adhesive glitter gems

• You know the ones — you peel them off a sticker sheet and apply them to your face with all the hopes of a child that still believes in Father Christmas. Then they slip off your forehead at the first sign of sweat. So overdone.

Do: Accessorise and layer

• The key is in little additions to your core look: wear a white vest with black shorts and look impeccable, but pair it with wraparound sunnies and a stylish side bag, ideally by Arc’teryx or The Row. Try the Row’s banana cross-body bag (£1,260, therow.com) if you’re feeling brave (and rich).

Don’t: Wear a bucket hat

• You may as well be wearing a “my first festival” T-shirt. The only acceptable forms of bucket are big, fluffy Jamiroquai monstrosities or crochet creations. Avoid the preppy brands.

Do: Whip out vintage sportswear

• I’m not talking about that Reebok sweatshirt you bought three years ago to sleep in, but vintage Roma football jerseys, shorts from 2000’s England Euros kit and rare F1 jackets. Try the 92-93 Inter Milan Umbro away shirt (£250, vintagefootballshirts.com). It’ll be worth it when someone taps the badge and gives you the nod.

Staying the course

Getting to that state of hungover fragility where a good ice lolly brings on tears is a rite of passage — but it’s one best left to the A-level lot. Not everyone is in their element living, er, out in the elements — so gauge the boozing accordingly (being sick in the tent is not a look; God forbid being face down in festival loos). Breakfast pints will always be permissible, but going dry, or at least taking it easy, means you’ll remember more of what you’re paying for. But either way, it’s probably worth preparing accordingly: take some dioralyte sachets to dissolve in water and knock back before a kip — it’s full of electrolytes and salts, so help prevent dehydration (£3.49, superdrug.co.uk). Pickle juice also works, though it’s pricey (two for £15, thepicklehouse.com).

Incidentally, eat. True, chilled cider may seem a more appealing use of £7 out under the dozy 3pm sun, but get a proper meal in where you can; that energy for dancing has to come from somewhere. But the real pros know there’s only one way to starve off those emotional shakes: get some sleep. Passing out only half counts.