Grant Shapps reminds Welwyn Hatfield of his many Cabinet posts as he loses his seat

It didn’t take long, during his speech as the gallant loser, for Grant Shapps to mention the number of Cabinet positions he had held in his 19 years as an MP.

“In addition to representing Welwyn Hatfield,” he said, mustering what confidence he could after a most bruising encounter with the electorate, “I have also had the honour to have served in more Cabinet posts than most.”

A ripple of laughter broke out among the crowd gathered in the main hall of Roller City, an adventure park in the middle of Hertfordshire.

Given Labour’s Andrew Lewin had achieved a majority of almost 4,000 (Mr Shapps had won the 2019 election with a majority of 10,995) it was not immediately obvious if the merriment was at Mr Shapps’s joke or at his expense.

The former minister of defence (11 months), energy security & net zero (seven months), business, energy & industrial strategy (three months), home secretary (six hectic and confusing days in October 2022) and transport (three years) ploughed on, a sparkling glitter ball incongruously suspended from the ceiling above his head and dashing light, like unfulfilled political ambitions. in all directions.

(Oh, he’d been Conservative party chairman too.)

He had been most proud, he said, of managing to secure an extra £1bn for defence spending.

So to defence spending we went, just in case anyone thought this was going to be a wistful look back, with a couple of anecdotes to add to the nation’s breakfast conversations.

“I am particularly concerned,” he said, his left hand karate chopping the lectern to emphasise that even if he had left the Ministry of Defence, the MoD hadn’t totally left him, “that unless [the Labour Party] quickly commits to spend 2.5 per cent of GDP on defence, our Armed Forces may suffer and so will our friends in Ukraine.”

The other candidates looked on politely, only the slightest nostril flare of a yawn betraying how exhausted everyone was.

Mr Lewin’s face suggested he was already mentally rehearsing his maiden speech. Jack Oliver Aaron, the Reform UK candidate, stood to one side, his dun-coloured trilby with navy blue band offering a Peaky Blinders vibe to proceedings.

“What is crystal clear to me tonight,” the former MP for Welwyn Hatfield continued, “is that it is not so much that Labour won this election, but that the Conservatives have lost it.

“Door after door, voters have been dismayed by our inability to iron out our differences in private and then be united in public.”

‘Endless political soap opera’

The karate chopping renewed the assault on the pile of notes dangerously expanding across the lectern.

“Instead, we have tried the patience of traditional Conservative voters with a propensity to create an endless political soap opera out of internal rivalries and divisions which have become increasingly entrenched.

“Today, voters have simply said, ‘If you can’t agree with each other, then we can’t agree to vote for you’.

“We forgot a fundamental rule of politics – that people do not vote for divided parties.”

Then the thank yous: to the returning officer, to the police, to – a quick search of the crowd – his mum and sister “without whom none of this would have been possible”.

And finally, like any great salesman and performer, he left a little teaser hanging over the audience like the shiny ball in the rafters.

Addressing the people of Welwyn Hatfield, he said it has been his honour to represent them in Parliament, “which has come to an end”. The briefest of pauses, then, “for the time being”.