Kate Middleton's disappearance conspiracy: a gay guy explains

Kate Middleton
Kate Middleton

This royal lady disappeared. Here’s the tea.

Kate Middleton
Kate Middleton

Mark Cuthbert/UK Press via Getty Images

Kate Middleton saying goodbye to public appearances, probably.

Kate Middleton, also known Catherine, Princess of Wales to those who follow the British Royal Family, was last seen in public on Dec. 25, 2023, also known as Christmas Day to those who believe in Jesus, Santa, neither, or both.

The Middleton last name is very appropriate for a royal family member who is so aggressively “mid” in the grand scheme of British politics and pop culture, so you might be wondering why the f*ck so many people are looking for this lady and asking for updates about her as if she’s Rihanna’s 9th studio album. But unlike R9, the interest doesn’t necessarily lie in interest, but more so in curiosity.

When the royal family wants us to know something, they’ll share in excruciatingly deep detail the eye color hue of a newborn. When they don’t want us to know something, it’s radio silence… to the most extremely suspicious degree. THAT is what’s happening here.

The basics of Basic Kate.

If you don’t know much about the royals, here ya go!

Kate Middleton is a 42-year-old woman married to Prince William, who’s next in line to be the King of the United Kingdom. This means that as soon as Charles III is no longer king and William is crowned in his place, Kate becomes the Queen of the United Kingdom.

Kate and William got married in 2011 and have three children together, because that’s what the straights love to do as soon as humanly possible! Those kids are Prince George (born in 2013), Princess Charlotte (born in 2017), and Prince Louis (born in 2018). Over the years, their relationship has been eclipsed by that of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle due to a share of controversies that, frankly, have nothing to do with these current conspiracy theories.

So let’s get to the meat and potatoes!

Kate is spotted for the first time this year on Mar. 4.

Since Christmas of 2023, the first public spotting of Kate is a shot of her inside a car taken on Monday, Mar. 4. If you want to get specific, there’s an entire 70-day span between Dec. 25, 2023 and Mar. 4, 2024.

We should also address this extremely grainy and Big Foot-style picture that the press has finally gotten of Kate. Between Nicki Minaj’s terrible “Big Foot” diss track and the big foot-like search for Kate Middleton, 2024 has been a huge year so far for Big Foot truthers.

So, where has Kate been? What has she been doing? What are these royal highnesses hiding?!

Here’s the official word on Kate’s disappearance.

As extensively reported by Vox, Kensington Palace announced on Jan. 17, 2024 that Kate had entered the hospital for a “planned abdominal surgery,” noting that she wasn’t expected to resume her royal duties until Mar. 31 (for Easter celebrations).

But the Palace also announced that she had returned home on Jan. 29 and was undergoing a hospital recovery of 10 to 14 days following that procedure — though no one in the press saw her leave the hospital or be back at the Palace at any point in time.

William then announced a public appearance on Feb. 27 to address a “personal matter.” Rumors started spreading like wildfire that something must’ve gone wrong with her medical procedure, or that their marriage was collapsing, or an endless list of other potential issues. But in the wise words of Gia Gun, “what you wanna do isn’t necessarily what you’re gonna do…” Instead of confirming any of the rumors, William reassured the public that everything was fine, just fine, with Kate, who was recovering in private. Once again, though, no sight of Kate.

Well, call us A’Keria C. Davenport, gov’nor. Because the people keep asking: “Where. Is. The. Body.”

The chaos. The drama. The memes.

It’s not shady or even unrealistic that the girls, gays, and theys immediately assumed that this whole mystery probably comes down to Kate getting a Brazilian butt lift (BBL) surgery like RuPaul’s Drag Race season 16 pioneer Morphine Love Dion, or some other cosmetic procedure that she wanted to keep private, or even that she’s just growing out her bangs.

The artsy gays have also been heavily speculating that Kate herself is the artist known as Banksy. No new Banksy art pieces have appeared in the wild during Kate’s disappearance, so the math is indeed math-ing on that one.

But what’s really interesting is that even the people who follow the least amount of conspiracy theories, and those who don’t even know the first thing about anyone in the Royal Family, were suddenly all deeply entranced by this damn conspiracy of Kate’s disappearance.

As pointed out in the same Vox report, Kate has been one of the most stable figures in the Royal Family since she married William back in 2011. Unlike “rebels” Harry and Meghan, Kate has been playing this game of thrones exactly as it should be played… which makes her 70-day disappearance rather weird and fascinating.

To be perfectly clear, my dear, there are still plenty of people on the internet who just aren’t buying this very grainy picture of Kate allegedly taken on Mar. 4.

The photo gives the impression that it was caught by the press, even though there’s only one image, and it so very clearly was staged so that these rumors could stop or slow down. But if they had the chance to stage a proper picture, why’s it this grainy, and why does it look like it could’ve been taken… oh, I don’t know, quite literally at any point in time?

But now that you’ve read through our version of Untucked and know the full story (not just half the story), here’s the full tea: everything is probably fine. Kate probably did something cosmetic that she’d rather not talk about, and that’s her right. Or the Palace’s statement is completely true, and this is something just medical, which also means that Kate is entitled to her privacy.

The internet should move on from this, and it probably will when Kate makes a less grainy public appearance in her full bloom. Until then, though, it’s hard to resist how hilarious the memes and the mystery are. Keep in mind that this is a privileged person, but also still just a human being. With that said, we’re feeling free to laugh at these precious memes.

Before we let you go, however, just a casual reminder that the woman below is our current-reigning Queen. That’s mother — and she’s all over the place touring the world. Take a few notes, Miss Kate.