The Kids of Sandy Hook Are Growing Up: What's Ahead for 10 Teen Survivors and Victims' Families (Exclusive)

"As long as their memory is alive with us, we’re not done”

They still remember the sweet anticipation of that winter day — before the gunshots started.

“I was super excited to go to school. We were going to make gingerbread houses,” says Lilly Wasilnak, 18, who was a first grader at Sandy Hook Elementary. “Then I remember banging that we thought was from roof work they had been doing.”

As the noises continued, a warning from Principal Dawn Hochsprung came crackling over the intercom: Get to your safe spots.

“We hid in our cubbies. I think all of us knew we were in danger,” recalls Grace Fischer, Lilly’s classmate.

By the time they left the building, through halls lined with police officers, it seemed like “half our grade was missing,” Grace, now 18, says.

Nearly 12 years after 20 first graders and six educators were murdered in Newtown, Connecticut, on Dec. 14, 2012 — marking another tragic milestone in America’s ever-growing history of mass shootings — the surviving students are entering young adulthood.

Five dozen of them graduated from Newtown High School on June 12 in a celebratory ceremony threaded with loss. Each victim’s name was read from the stage, and grads wore small green ribbons on their gowns reading “Forever in Our Hearts.” Says Ella Seaver, 18: “You are looking for the people who aren’t there.”

Here, 10 Sandy Hook survivors and recent graduates — several of whom have joined the Jr. Newtown Action Alliance to make schools safer — and five parents whose children were killed reflect on their unimaginable loss and what’s ahead.

The aftershocks from the massacre, like the debate over solutions to gun violence, have not ended.

“For a long time, I was thinking, ‘Why did they die and I didn’t?’ " Lilly says. "I learned to turn that around and think, ‘How can I make sure that another girl’s best friend doesn’t die?’ ”

For more from these students and the parents of those who were killed, read this week's issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands Friday.

Don’t Tell Me You’re Sorry — Tell Me Things Will Change

Henry Terifay, 18

After the summer, I’m going to the University of Hartford to study communications because I enjoy talking to people. One of my closest friends, Chase Kowalski, died in the shooting. I got his name tattooed on my back with a heart in Sandy Hook green when I turned 17. It’s on my shoulder so that the tattoo shows through my singlet when I wrestle. In the yearbook, you can see Chase’s name. I sent it to his mom because I knew he wouldn’t have been in the yearbook otherwise, and she said, “I appreciate you.”

A friend who was in one of the classrooms is my best friend now. It really could have been him too. It’s just crazy to think about how we’re graduating without all of those people. I think about them all the time. When I get ready, I can see Chase’s name in the mirror, but not in a sad way. I don’t want people to tell me, “I’m so sorry, you’re so strong” or “Our prayers are with you.” I want more commonsense gun laws.

"They give us inspiration and hope for the future."

Carol Po, Jr. Newtown Action Alliance co-adviser

I Learned Grief Didn’t Have to Consume Me

Ella Seaver, 18

I vividly remember our principal saying, “Get to your safe spot,” and then hearing the phone drop and hit the ground as the shooting began. Once I was home, I was still confused, but then I watched my sister be absolutely hysterical in our front hallway, which I had never seen before.

I’m planning to go to Lafayette College and major in psychology. I want to become a therapist. What I really want to show kids our age, or anyone impacted by gun violence, is that you can still have a life and find joy. You can still work to not only make shootings happen less, but also show how grief doesn’t have to be so consuming. It’s kind of like a yin and yang. The sorrow has to live within the joy.

Everything I Do Is for the Classmates Who Died

Lilly Wasilnak, 18

After graduation, I’m going to the University of Connecticut, but I’m undecided about what to study. Graduation is happy, but it’s sad. It’s hard because a lot of adults are telling us how we’re supposed to feel. For me, this is all I’ve ever known. I don’t really remember much before the shooting.

As I got older and there were other shootings, I realized this wasn’t just a one-time freak accident. I know how much I hurt being in the shooting. I want to do more to make my classmates’ deaths more meaningful. In high school I found the Jr. Newtown Action Alliance and thought, “This is a step.” To miss 20 kids out of your class, there’s no way to go about it without remembering them. Everything I do is for them.

I’m Going Into Politics So Our Loss Isn’t in Vain

Matt Holden, 17

We had a nice graduation ceremony to remember those who should be here right now while also celebrating those who are moving on. I am committed to attending George Washington University next year to study political science. I actually plan on going into politics to focus on gun safety.

For me, the most pressing memory of the shooting was walking out of the school. My mom came running up to me and held my head in her hands. I had never seen her cry before. That was what told me, “Something’s gone horribly wrong.” My parents said there were friends that I’d never see again. But even then, it took me years to fully realize. We want to prevent it from ever happening again so that their loss isn’t in vain — and so that we can try to combat the guilt from surviving that sticks with you.

I Want to Give Back. Sharing My Story Matters

Grace Fischer, 18

I’m going to be on a prelaw track at Hamilton College in the fall. I want to be a civil rights lawyer to give back to communities that are struggling, like how Newtown was impacted by the Sandy Hook tragedy. I want to fight for justice on others’ behalf in the case that they cannot fight on their own.

Growing up, I definitely had some issues with really loud noises. I feel like everyone around me deals with the shooting in a similar way. We’re all there for each other, even people who weren’t at the school. With everyone understanding what people have been through, it’s a very tight community, and I’m happy that we have that. A trip to Washington, D.C., this past December made me realize that I do have the courage to speak to people in power, and that sharing my story over and over again does really make an impact.

"We want to help people. We all carry this."

Graduate Emma Ehrens

Know That You’re Not Alone

Emma Ehrens, 17

I remember going to the front of the classroom to read a book, and then the banging started. We didn’t think much of it until a guy walked in with a gun. He started shooting all my friends. He shot my teacher and then he was going to shoot me, but someone who did not make it, Jesse Lewis, screamed at us to run. Either the gun jammed or he needed to reload, I’m not sure. We ran. Growing up, you’d always have people who knew what you’d been through but also pitied you in a way. You never really got the option to have a normal childhood. I needed one person to just see me as a kid.

I have struggled really bad with survivor’s guilt, considering I’m one of the students who made it out of [classroom 10, where five kids and their teacher died]. But it means a lot that I am here today. I’m committed to Roger Williams University on a prelaw track, same as Grace. I may go into civil rights. In terms of coping after a shooting, it’s really important to know that you’re not alone and we are fighting for change.

My Twin Brother Died, but I Carry Him in My Heart

Arielle Pozner, 17

We were rambunctious kids. Together we were unstoppable. At first, I still thought Noah would show up in a few months. We had three booster seats in the back of our car, for me, Noah and our sister Sophia, and I remember the day my dad took out one of them was the day it solidified. I will always feel a vacancy, but I wear a locket with his photo — even in the shower. I try to talk about him a lot so that he doesn’t become lost.

I am going to a local college here in Florida, and I’m passionate about art—mostly painting and figure work. I really am at a good point in my life.

I Found My Happy Place Where I Can Rest Easy

Bryce Maksel, 18

That day altered my life. It took a while for me to process what happened in my class, because the flashbacks and PTSD started kicking off harder in middle school. My whole personality got ripped away. One day I’ll be able to talk about it, hopefully soon. It seems like every year there’s a new school shooting. Little kids. When is it going to stop?

In ninth grade I moved about 30 minutes away. Now I’m going off to a Florida school for aviation mechanics. It feels like I found my happy place where I can rest easy.

I'll Save Other Kids as a Doctor

Cyrena Arokium, 18

I remember seeing my second grade teacher's face and I knew something was wrong. She put us all in the corner near our cubbies, and she was telling us to be quiet. She started to read us Oh, the Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss. The kids that aren't graduation, they're definitely in my heart. At my graduation last year, I was thinking about them. I try not to let Sandy Hook define me anymore. I don't want this to happen to anyone. I don't like fireworks anymore or popping of chip bags. Also just being in crowded spaces and there's nowhere to go — that always gives me very bad anxiety.

I go to college in Georgia and I want to be a cardiothoracic surgeon. I had open heart surgery when I was 5. Going through Sandy Hook, I was like, 'I really want to do medicine and probably specialize in pediatric cardiothoracic surgery.' I want to help the kids I couldn't save.

There's Healing for Me in Speaking Out

Audrey Nichols, 19

I was in second grade. We were going to watch The Polar Express and drink hot cocoa and make paper snowflakes. I remember the gunshots very, very vividly. To this day, whenever I hear a loud noise, it's almost like a visceral reaction in my body. It's not like my mind necessarily remembers, but my body remembers. I start shaking. I hate the 4th of July. I hole up in my room. I have two sets of noise-canceling headphones on.

But I do find a lot of healing in sharing my story and trying to make sure this doesn't keep happening, which unfortunately is the reality. So I got into activism. On the anniversary this year, I was just sitting in my room staring at the wall trying to figure out how I was able to walk out of the building and so many people weren't. I'm a rising sophomore at the University of Connecticut. My college essay was about paper snowflakes and how everything you go through is kind of like a cut in your paper snowflake.

Our Kids Are Gone, but Never Forgotten

Nicole Hockley, Dylan's mom

I focus on my work [running Sandy Hook Promise, an anti-gun-violence group] as a way to not deal with the harder things. Dylan would have turned 18 in March, yet for me, he’s still 6. It’s hard to make those two things be true. Whenever he was excited, Dylan would flap his arms and say, “I’m a beautiful butterfly.” So I think about the butterfly effect: The more we flap our wings, being kind or using our voice, the more change can come.

Scarlett Lewis, Jesse's mom

I didn’t go to the graduation. That might have been too painful. But it’s been really meaningful that the kids acknowledged Jesse’s courage. They have an incredible opportunity to use all they’ve learned through tragedy for the benefit of others. That’s why we’re here. That’s the world I want to live in. I think what I’ve done through the Choose Love Movement I started has made Jesse an inspiration. We all have the capacity for bravery he showed.

"Every year there are different milestones and every year there's a change of seasons and holidays, all of those things — but this one's a doozy."

Victim Daniel Barden's dad, Mark Barden

Mark Barden, Daniel's dad

I’m always thinking about him: What would he be doing today, what would he look like? Of all the experiences that have been stolen from him, high school graduation is very special, and it’s so hard to get my head around it. But I never lose sight of the privilege I have of being able to honor my little Daniel through my work [with Sandy Hook Promise] to spare other families this lifetime of pain and grief from losing a loved one to preventable gun violence.

Michele Gay, Joey's mom

Every one of these milestones causes you to step back and think about where you would be if things had gone differently. We continue to have a lot of her fingerprints all over our group Safe and Sound Schools. Joey was a force in this world and in our lives, and we all just kind of orbited around her. Her laughter was ever-present. You literally carry the loss. But you just have to learn to move around it. And if you do, you find that you’re very strong.

"They have an incredible opportunity to use all they’ve learned through tragedy for the benefit of others"

Victim Jesse Lewis' mom, Scarlett Lewis

Alissa Parker, Emilie's mom

Her two younger sisters are both in high school now, so all three of them would be in high school together. As my girls get older and realize what they've missed with Emilie and what they don't remember with her, it's interesting how those emotions can be so strong in them still. But there are some people vicariously that were close to Emilie. She had this sweet friend, Arianna, and we've stayed in touch all these years. Watching her grow and watching her develop her art, which Emilie was really interested in, has been really fun. And she thinks about Emilie all the time. As far as the legacy with Safe and Sound, I'm just so proud that in the beginning you just don't want your child to have died in vain. You want it to mean something, but you don't want it to just mean anything either. And for me, the idea that Emilie's life now is tied to protecting and saving other children and the people who've worked at schools, there's nothing that would make me more prouder.

These interviews have been edited and condensed for clarity.

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