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What kind of doom spender are you? The answer is in the stars

doom-spend
Throwing caution to the wind and burning money like the end of days is upon us. This is how each zodiac sign doom spends.

Overwhelmed by the current financial crisis, Gen Z and millennial denizens are reportedly throwing money they don’t have at all manner of things they can’t afford.

Because it feels better to let it ride on momentary pleasures than to stress about uncertain futures, existential dread, and a chaotic housing market, many young and young-ish adults are “doom spending” on experiences and high-end purchases.

Speaking to the spirit of this spending, recent research revealed that 69% of Gen Zers believe money can buy happiness.

Bless.

If you’re the rare bird trying to save money a) you’re probably a Capricorn), and b) you can find a list of astro focused financial hacks and tips here.

For the rest of us, here’s a look at the trend — and how it could affect you — sorted by zodiac sign.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Aries wants it fast and now. Count on this ilk to drop dollars on impulse purchases, caffeine, things that are flashy, things that are trashy and things that scream extra. Rulers of the first house of the self, they like their wealth where it can be seen. Case in point — Aries and aspirational Spice Victoria Beckham, the proud former owner of a $33k, 24 ct. gold iPhone case.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

When Taurus feels low, they spend high. Rulers of the second house of values and possessions, these earth babies self-soothe with stuff. If they can’t own an expensive home, they will burn candles that mimic the scent of wealth. If they can’t be rich they will insist on eating above their pay grade, buying cheese that costs as much as cocaine.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Symbolized by the symbiotic twins, Gemini natives live to share, be it trade secrets or the spoils of the good life. Whether we’re talking Kanye and his solid gold bowel throne, Courtney Cox gifting BFFL Jennifer Aniston a $12k Chanel bike, or the twin in your life spending their last dollar on a stack of tabloid magazines and a pitcher of margaritas, you can count on this air sign to throw cash and caution to the wind.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Ruled by the moon, Cancer people don’t make impulse purchases so much as emotionally driven and utterly unhinged investments. If the feeling strikes, they spend. Often, that takes the form of home security (see Mike Tyson’s Bengal tigers) or flights of fancy that make them feel safe (Conor McGregor’s polar bear coat.)

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Leo folk view themselves as demigods who must be attended to with premium products — and by a circle of supplicants. Big cats spend big on things that contribute to their cycle of ‘look good, feel good, get yours.’ See: J. Lo dropping $1,200/week on human placenta facial treatments. Afterbirth as eternal youth, a poem.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Rulers of the sixth house of health and service, Virgo folks adhere to all manner of strange and strict health regimens. Even in dire financial straits, they’ll always manage to muster money for spring water, shilajit, medicinal honey, salt acupuncture, mushroom tea, and other things that taste bad and work well.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Born for beauty, Libra folks buy bougie things they don’t need to deflect from the sense of emptiness that haunts their daily lives. See Kim Kardashian’s Louis Vuitton trash cans, a metaphor for this cardinal air sign if ever there was one.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Scorpio rules the eighth house of sex, shadows, and secrets. Apropos of this, scorpions conduct a lot of business in bed. They throw down on linens and dark duvets, and in the case of apex Scorpio Drake, a $400K mattress crafted from horsehair that lends him the sensation of floating. A welcome respite for a sign often burdened by the weight of their feelings.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Wanting to suck the milk of experience from the fickle tits of life, Sagittarius folks invest in activities and accessories that take them far and lead them to the unexpected: Tickets to ride, ren fairs, music festivals, drugs, books, woodwind instruments and bail money for their new best friends.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Capricorns rule the tenth house of legacy and tend to expend on antiques, the high-end and the made-to-last. Ruled by Saturn, planet of time, they’re into artifacts and the long game. See: Sea goat Nic Cage, who spent a cool $200K on a stolen dinosaur skull and a 9-foot pyramid tomb.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Aquarius folk are unrepentant weirdos, known to spend money in curious ways — $200K on a ticket to space (looking at you Ashton Kutcher), an undisclosed sum on an onyx bathtub hand-carved to fit their body (Oprah), or an ungodly amount on a lap dog mansion (Paris Hilton). They see money as a construct and/or a malignant force within the universe and thus are open to giving it away, burning it in the street, or throwing it at strangers and/or shadowy startups.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Neptune, murky planet of fantasy and frivolity, rules the wet eyed, squishy souls of Pisces. As such, natives are prone to spending in the most ridiculous albeit romantic ways; bubble guns, stuffed animals, bathtubs full of champagne and 100K to convert a car into the Batmobile. Looking at you, Justin ‘face tats for love’ Bieber.

Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.