Lesbianism gets people’s attention – but I wish Mel B had kept stumm

Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want. I want to go back in time and urge Mel B to keep the details of her mid-90s sex life to herself. The artist, formerly known as Scary Spice, recently told Piers Morgan, the TV presenter currently known as Notorious Idiot, that the rumours were true: she slept with Geri Horner during the Spice Girls’ glory years.

“She’s going to hate me for this because she’s all posh in her country house with her husband,” Mel B told Morgan. “But it’s a fact. It just happened, and we just giggled at it and that was it.” This spicy titbit aired on Good Morning Britain on Monday, and was immediately picked up by a gazillion media outlets, which is only to be expected. It’s not as if there is much else happening in the world.

I have selflessly paid close attention to the reaction to this revelation, and it appears most people are thrilled Scary and Ginger got it on. So it is with regret that I must embrace my identity as a humourless homosexual and explain, in a not-so-hot take, why this story is problematic.

Related: All 43 Spice Girls songs – ranked!

First of all, it is never cool to kiss’n’tell. It is doubly uncool to kiss’n’tell to Piers bloody Morgan. (And, judging by the fact that Mel B is now back-pedalling on her claims, it seems Geri didn’t much appreciate the story.) Then there’s the fact that Mel B appears to be cynically using lesbianism as a PR strategy. The Spice Girls are going on a reunion tour this summer. Victoria Beckham, the only Currently Relevant Spice won’t be on this tour, so it seems the Not So Relevant Spices are doing anything that will get them attention. And lesbianism always seems to be a good way to get people’s attention (just look at the explosion of fake lesbians in film).

So, while I normally love some girl-on-girl news, this particular broad-cast makes me wanna zigazig-nah!