May I have a word about… lily-livered excuses?

There are few things that the British enjoy more than a good food story. This is especially the case when it has a decent scary element - think salmonella, chlorinated chicken or the horsemeat “scandal”; or can be stoked to a peak of consumer indignation – the reduction in the size of various confectionary items such as Terry’s Chocolate Oranges, Toblerones or tins of Quality Street is always a surefire winner. Last week’s Kentucky Fried Chicken imbroglio was, joyously, no exception. Having never succumbed to Colonel Sanders’s blandishments, I can’t comment on the nation’s favourite chicken takeaway, although I do think resorting to phoning the police to complain about its absence from the high street is going too far.

In such a situation, one thing is guaranteed to inject yet another level of pleasure – the intervention of the corporate mouthpiece, and John Boulter, the spokesman for DHL, the company supposed to deliver the goods on behalf of KFC, certainly didn’t disappoint.

“The reasons for this unforeseen interruption of this complex service are being worked on with a goal to return to normal services as soon as possible,” he said, deploying Olympic-standard levels of corporate obfuscation, or what those of a less charitable disposition would call bullshit. While I can see that Gerald Ratner-esque candour can and does backfire spectacularly, a little plain speaking in such circumstances would perhaps soothe the savage breast of the disgruntled consumer. “I’m sorry, this is a complete cock-up and we’ll fix it” is surely snappier, more honest and less likely to lead to snorts of derision. (The KFC story reminds me of a takeaway chicken shop in south London called Bertie Rooster. It was just around the corner from a shop flogging secondhand white goods, called Sell Fridges.)

Elsewhere in food land, Kerry Group, makers of Cheestrings and Fridge Raiders, reported a rise in 2017 revenues, with its consumer foods unit being boosted by more “snacking occasions”. “Snacking occasions”? No, me neither. However, in the absence of a bucket of KFC, perhaps Fridge Raiders are just the thing to keep the little darlings quiet.