Rolls-Royce Cullinan: the car to be seen in

I’d never been to Ibiza before. I’d heard of it, obviously, but that’s precisely why I’d avoided the place. I don’t like clubbing, or thong bikinis, which means I certainly wouldn’t like clubbing in a thong bikini. “Oh, but the north side of the island is lovely!” Ibiza devotees say when you tell them you’d rather go on holiday to Alcatraz than their chosen island, yet I’ve always managed to resist the urge. Until Rolls-Royce decided to launch its new Cullinan in Ibiza, and then I decided I might be able to stomach a trip there after all.

If you live in Miami or Mayfair, you might have seen a few Cullinans kicking about. Otherwise known as the Rolls-Royce SUV, the 2.7-tonne beast was launched in 2018 after various other swanky car makers – Bentley, Lamborghini, Maserati – launched their SUVs. Rolls-Royce lumbered in with the biggest, heaviest and priciest of them all, which is one of the reasons it was named after the world’s largest diamond.

Unfortunately, of course, South Africa has now asked for the diamond back, and if you had to come up with a more contemporary parable, I’m not sure you could better the story of how an extremely luxurious car was named after a large diamond, only for the diamond to face repatriation demands. Still, the Cullinan it remains, and it neatly illustrates how the Rolls-Royce customer has changed in recent decades.

Think back a bit. The Duke of Windsor had a Rolls-Royce Phantom, as did Noel Coward. Nancy Astor used to be driven to the Houses of Parliament in a red one. Marg of Arg, the infamous Duchess of Argyll, used to smoke and pick up young male hitchhikers in hers. Lots of room in the back, you see.

Who has a Cullinan today? Well, the rapper Drake has a customised one, with the words “F— you” etched into his silver wheel rims. Fellow rapper 50 Cent has another. Model Kylie Jenner has one with bubblegum pink seats. Even Spider-Man, or the young actor Tom Holland, has kitted himself out with a Cullinan.

And they’re largely all sitting in the front because, while 15 years ago 80 per cent of Rolls were chauffeured and only 20 per cent were self-driven, now it’s exactly the opposite – 80 per cent are driven and 20 per cent chauffeured by Aloysius or similar.

And the Cullinan has become the most sought-after of them all – the fastest-selling model in Rolls-Royce history and a status symbol constantly referenced in rap songs. “I want the money, cars, clothes, hoes, draping my body in gold, Cullinan Rolls, life on the road,” is a lyric, for instance, drawled by a chap called Prynce Greedy, who I suspect isn’t a real prince.

The average age of a Rolls-Royce owner is now a relatively youthful 43 (it was 56 in 2010) and two-thirds of those who buy a Cullinan are new to the brand. New money too, instead of old money, I say without any rancour, because how lovely to have any money at all these days, especially a spare £275,000, which is what the new Cullinan starts at.

All of which is why the 4x4 is being launched in Ibiza instead of, say, off-roading in the Brecon Beacons. Because Ibiza, insist those in the know, has also undergone something of a metamorphosis in recent decades – from hippy, boho hangout to hardcore clubbing mecca, to destination for UHNWIs. Or ultra-high-net-worth individuals, if you’ve been so fortunate as to never have come across that appalling acronym.

I say new Cullinan. Unless you’re a rapper who sings about it, or a car nerd, you’d be hard pushed to tell the difference with the original version. The engine is the same (a 6.75-litre V12, if you want to brag) and there are only subtle tweaks to the exterior. Let’s call it a facelift. The wheels on the Cullinan II are an inch larger, which is useful if you want to have the profanities on them made more prominent. The front has been rejigged, with daytime running lights that curve around the bonnet, designed to make it look (even) wider.

They’ve also reshaped a couple of front panels to make it look like a boat cutting through water, says head of exterior design Juliana Blasi, who goes on to explain that the bumper has been altered too, “really increasing the presence of the rear end”. For some reason, this makes me think of Kim Kardashian, who quite possibly also has a Cullinan.

In a nutshell, it still looks extremely big and extremely expensive from the outside, and certainly not something to try to squeeze into the spot closest to the entrance at Waitrose.

But come on, what are the insides like? Because it’s the insides that are the thrilling bit when it comes to Rolls-Royce. For me, anyway. Rolls-Royce is renowned for its bespoke work and the hidden umbrella tucked into each passenger door now comes as standard. But you can get way more specific than that. Cigar fan? You could have a humidor in the glovebox. Chess obsessive like one of its Chinese clients? Chessboard in the armrest, no problem.

In 1925, the Maharajah of Kota ordered his Phantom with mounted guns and searchlights for tiger hunting. These days, you can have special compartments built for your cartridges, matching R-R collars and leads for your dog, inbuilt picnic hampers, and the exact constellation of the day your child was born peppered into the inside of the car’s roof as little lights.

I sit in the back and play around with all the buttons like a demented toddler. One lets down a little table on the back of the passenger seat and reveals a TV screen, which would be handy if you’re a rapper who has children and you need to put on Peppa Pig. Another reveals a crystal decanter and two glasses in the armrest, which could also be quite useful if you have children in the back watching Peppa Pig.

There is a new glass screen behind the passenger seats and the boot is designed, I’m told, so that nobody inside the car has to feel a draft on their neck for a single second if the boot lid is opened. No nasty drafts for Rolls-Royce owners. You feel entirely cocooned in here. From wind. From noise. From music beef. From the complexities and demands of dictating a country.

If you don’t want leather seats as soft as a calf’s inner thigh, you can opt for a new, hardwearing fabric made from bamboo, inspired by the bamboo grove at Sir Henry Royce’s winter home on the Côte d’Azur. Car companies have been developing more sustainable fabrics for some time now – seats made from coconut fibres or old fishing net, sir? – but I’ve never seen a material that is convincingly posh. Why would you fork out for a Cullinan and opt for the seats to look like those in my 1.0-litre Volkswagen Polo? I’d stick with the leather.

I slip my shoes off to climb in the driver’s seat, which probably isn’t a practice most Rolls owners or chauffeurs would go in for. An ex and I once rowed about my habit of driving in bare feet. It’s not illegal. Just for your reference, Rule 97 of The Highway Code says you must wear “clothing and footwear [which] do not prevent you using the controls in the correct manner”, and I drive perfectly well without shoes, thank you very much. And anyway, if you keep your shoes on you don’t get the full experience of the soft, lambswool floor mat with padded pockets for your heels to rest on. No body part is overlooked in a Rolls-Royce.

The dashboard has also been pepped up, digitalised and flat-screened, although there is a reassuringly Lady Penelope (of Thunderbirds fame, not an actual socialite) nod, with an analogue clock embedded into the display above a little figurine of that Rolls-Royce sprite, the Spirit of Ecstasy.

As for the drive, look, you’re in a Rolls-Royce so it’s preposterously smooth and powerful, and depending on your bottom’s requirements, you can have heated seats, cool seats or massaging seats.

But as already touched upon, this car is big. Quite large for narrow, twisting Ibiza roads, I’d say, as I crawl around a corner, come up to a roundabout and take the wrong turn off it because I’m flustered at driving something so gargantuan. Not unwieldy, though. I spin around in a dusty layby and am genuinely taken aback by its nimbleness, thanks to the rear-wheel steering. If you did get into a tight spot in a Waitrose car park, it would be a cinch to get out again.

But then the size is the point. The hulk and grandeur of the Cullinan makes people stare slack-jawed, even in a place as eye-popping as Ibiza. It may not be as elegant as other Rolls-Royce models but it’s not supposed to be. It’s designed to be seen and noticed in an age when being seen and noticed is currency. If that’s what you’re after in a car, then you couldn’t do better. You will be gawped at in real life and pictures of your car will be posted on TikTok. That, for the new generation of Rolls-Royce customers, is what it’s all about.