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Right Royal Family viewers in hysterics over Danny Dyer's codpiece

Photo credit: BBC
Photo credit: BBC

From Digital Spy

Danny Dyer's Right Royal Family has had a very loose approach towards presenting the actual history of the UK - yet it's safe to say nobody was prepared for Godzilla to make a cameo in Tudor-era England.

The EastEnders actor has described the show as a "right nutty royal caper", delving in the royal roots he first discovered two years ago while appearing on Who Do You Think You Are?.

Last week, viewers saw Sir Danny (we've knighted him) follow in the footsteps of his Viking ancestor Rollo by, ermm, impaling an "Anglo-Saxon watermelon" and then literally carrying a crown of thorns through the streets of Paris like Louis IX.

Photo credit: BBC
Photo credit: BBC

How was he ever going to top that in the second part? Oh, by prancing around like one of Henry VIII's courtiers and jousting in full knight's armour as if he was Henry Hotspur Percy.

Danny first visited one of the castles of Edward II, where he learned all about the love triangle between the king, Isabella de Beauchamp and Hugh Despenser the Younger.

Isabella earned the reputation of 'the She Wolf' because when she heard of Hugh and Edward's rumoured affair, she raised an army to capture Hugh and have him castrated. The historian telling the story to Danny decided it was best to show him a drawing depicting Hugh's punishment.

"Oh dear, let's have a little smudge," Danny winced. "Oh no, have they taken the winkle off?"

When the historian bluntly shared that Isabella's forces "chopped off Hugh's testicles and penis while he was still alive and then threw it into the fire below", Danny grimaced: "You can take his winkle, and you can burn it and do whatever you want to do!"

"That's up there with one of the worst deaths I've ever heard," he later opined.

And that's coming from a guy who works on a Square where there have been bus crashes, guys falling off cliffs and multiple members of the same family plunging off the top of buildings.

In any event, viewers got a kick out of Danny chatting about winkles.

This very phallic-centric episode also saw Danny making a great show of describing what lies under his codpiece. Enjoy a cameo from a classic movie monster...

Ummm, moving along. The actor later put on chainmail and a full set of armour to practice combat like the great knights in his bloodline. What stuck out to him most is how taxing it was to wear all that metal.

"Do they ever have a rest?" he begged midway through the jousting.

Photo credit: BBC
Photo credit: BBC

After taking a few shots to the helmet from the other knight, Danny thought it was best to end the combat peacefully before he was beheaded.

"Shall we have a knight kiss?" he asked.

The episode concluded with Danny's wife Joanne, Love Island star daughter Dani and sons joining him in full Tudor wardrobe for a good old-fashioned sugar banquet!

Photo credit: BBC
Photo credit: BBC

"She's gone from bikinis to corsets," Joanne joked about Dani.

We've got a slight suspicion Danny might be letting his regal lineage get to his head, since he capped out the show warning his children: "Alright clever bollocks, let's remember who the king is!"

Unfortunately, this was the finale of Danny Dyer's Right Royal Family, but more primetime Dyer may well be coming soon to BBC One. It was reported earlier today that he'd signed to host a new TV pilot for the Beeb based on US challenge show The Wall.


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