Sexiest man award provides hope again

Finally, after a lifetime left wanting, having fallen from the ugly tree as a bairn, there is, for the second year in succession: hope.

Gone are the days when chiselled torsos and boyish good looks were en vogue (see Nick Kaymen or Peter of the Andre) to be replaced by the year's sexiest man, once more being announced as, er, Jeremy Clarkson.

The award which comes from ‘research’ undertaken by the dating site ‘illicit encounters’ from a sample group of 2,000 people which classed Clarkson as a ‘9 out of 10’ although it is unclear as to whether the respondents were visually impaired or nay.

I must confess I do not know of illicit encounters, and I am too scared to ‘research’ it in case my wife checks my search history and gets the wrong end of the stick, as, knowing my luck, things would not end well for me.

I would surmise it is a site used for those who are looking for a bit of fun (i.e. to cheat on their partners) and therefore Clarkson is deemed to be in pole position to make Mrs Miggins from down yonder risk the marital home, the children’s stability, the 4x4 and her reputation with a man who is ‘marmite’. He also, famously, says lots of ‘blokey’ things, all with a touch of machismo innuendo and a braying turn of phrase.

I continued to question this poll even further when I saw the balding and then some Prince William in position number three, followed by England manager Gareth Southgate in fourth.

Further research uncovers illicit encounters research method of supplying 50 names to the market researchers from which a winner must be chosen, which puts a whole new complexion on Clarkson winning the award.

Whatever next year? John Merrick, the bearded woman from The Greatest Showman and Rocky from Mask as the contenders? Even I would stand a chance with that lot. Relationship expert, Noor Hibbert, attempts to justify Clarkson’s finishing position by explaining: "Jeremy exudes a keen sense of self confidence and self assuredness, which can be highly appealing to many women. His confidence can create a level of attractiveness and draw people toward him."

She goes on to explain that his ability to command attention is what some women see as ‘sexy’ and maybe there is some truth in it: as we can see with Boris Johnson’s numerous conquests, who seem to be able to see past the squidgy, foppish, bedraggled exterior to view something not visible to the average human naked eye.

Another factor, surely, must be the net worth of the individual. Clarkson has amassed around £43million and I’m sure if he was a celebrity of a different ilk, a Gogglebox ‘star’ instead perhaps, then his allure would be nowhere as appealing as the farmer who, unlike many, can afford to buy a new combine harvester on a whim if he so wishes.

Either way, he got the gong and may be back for the most undeserved and curious hat trick of the decade next season. As for me, I don’t do sexy anymore (as if I ever have), but I may really let myself go and talk about cars a lot in a brash and unpleasant manner in order to attract the attention of others to see if the Clarkson approach is really about the attractiveness of the man, or the size of his wallet…

• Brett Ellis is a teacher