The subtle signs your mother is a narcissist, and what to do about it

It’s become the buzzword du jour. The friend who spent all evening talking about himself now qualifies as a “narcissist”, as does the little sister who fills every family event with drama. Even the singer Jennifer Lopez claims to have a pathologically self-regarding mother: “My mum was a narcissistic, centre of the attention, life-of-the-party-type person,” she said earlier this year.

But though the term can feel overused, there’s no doubt being subject to the glare of a true narcissist is detrimental. “While people can use the word quite flippantly, we are increasingly understanding the truth about emotional abuse and narcissism,” says Helen Villiers, a psychotherapist and the co-author of You’re Not The Problem: The Impact of Emotional Abuse and How to Heal.

“Narcissists are grandiose, entitled and they exploit people”, says Villiers’ fellow author, the psychotherapist Katie McKenna. “They also have impaired self-awareness, and use motivational empathy, which basically means guilt-tripping people.”

There is, say the experts, a difference between someone with high self-esteem, and a narcissist. “Many people can be self-centred, but the difference is that narcissists are also damaging and controlling. Their success comes at a cost to others,” McKenna explains.

According to the psychiatric literature, between 0.5 and 5 per cent of the population are said to suffer from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). And while Villiers and McKenna agree that only a psychiatrist or psychologist can officially diagnose someone, they believe that narcissism is more common than previously thought, and that it can exist on a spectrum from mild to severe.

“It can be useful to recognise when behaviours being exhibited are narcissistic in essence, and when they can start to impact on your life,” says Villiers.

How to tell your parent is a narcissist

Was your mother or father highly critical of you at all times? Maybe they invaded your privacy by reading your diary, became angry when you were upset, or based their entire worth on your achievements. If so, this may point to them having narcissist tendencies. “While all parents create values and conditions, the difference here is that the narcissistic parent teaches their child they are the root cause of all the difficulties, that they are lazy, selfish, thoughtless and cold-hearted,” says McKenna. “Over time the child really starts to believe those things about themselves.”

Villiers and McKenna talk of four types of narcissistic parent: the critical parent (for whom nothing you did was ever good enough); the ignoring parent (who was more concerned with their own needs); the smothering, engulfing parent; and the parent who is a combination of all three.

“The smothering, ‘helicopter’ parent is usually praised, but they are often opposed to the child expressing him or herself,” notes Villiers. “It becomes all about the parent, rather than the child.”

“The child can then grow up to either be hyper-independent – in that they keep people at arm’s length and never ask for help – or hyper-dependent, in that they are scared of conflict, go out of their way to please people, and are scared of saying no,” says Villiers. Both types of person are in essence doing the same thing, she argues: they are trying to avoid rejection and abandonment.

All parents make mistakes. “But a narcissist parent will not be willing or able to take responsibility for their mistakes, finding every reason to blame their child for their treatment of them,” says Villiers.

I’m an adult parent and this rings bells. Is it too late to fix?

Any midlifer might be reading this list with alarm: could I have done this to my own children? It’s true that if your parents raised you a certain way, you may unwittingly have followed the same patterns with your children because you simply didn’t know anything different.

“Parenting styles can be traced back through generations, but the good news is that they can be changed,” explains McKenna. “An unhealthy parent will gaslight their child and say that nothing was wrong, but a healthy one will have some self-awareness, and take accountability.”

However, the fact that you are even asking yourself the question “Am I a narcissist?” means it’s unlikely you were or still are an overly self-involved mum or dad. “If you have unconditional love for your children and can be an empathetic parent, you are not a narcissist,” says Karyl McBride, a family therapist .

You don’t have to agree with your child’s every demand. Having high educational standards, for example, does not mean you were damaging, so long as you had your offspring’s best interests at heart and were not just seeking reflected glory.

“You may be raising children right now, or be a parent of adult children,” says McBride. “The greatest gift you can give your children is to listen to what they have to say about their childhood and be there to recover with them. To do this requires a level of maturity so you are not acting defensively. Keep the door open for emotional connections and great things can happen.”

If you find it difficult to revisit long-entrenched family patterns, it might help to consult a family therapist.

Spotting a narcissist at work

From colleagues to bosses, narcissism can lurk in your workplace. “A company can be like the microcosm of narcissistic parenting,” observes Villiers. A narcissist will feel the need to devalue others while someone without those traits will have enough self-esteem to succeed on their own merits. “For example, a person who is good at their job tells themselves: ‘I am enough’, without having to devalue those around them or telling a colleague they only got that promotion because no-one else was qualified enough to get it.”

In this hierarchy, which mimics the family order, the boss can take on the mantle of the narcissistic parent. “Does your boss respect your employment contract, or do they feel entitled to your time out of hours or on the weekend?” says McKenna. “If so, you should either be paid more, or get the time back – as well as an acknowledgment you are going above and beyond.”

The authors also talk of “industrial narcissism” where this trait of pushing boundaries and demanding beyond what’s contracted is ingrained in the system. “The people who want to get ahead, get ahead. Then they can scapegoat or ignore their employees behind closed doors, as long as it’s good for the image of the company.”

Three ways to deal with a narcissist and find your own voice

Draw boundaries

“The first step to separating yourself from a narcissist is to raise your awareness and understanding, to know where they end, and where you begin,” advises McKenna. “Drawing boundaries is the first step to a healthy self-identity, which will stop you being vulnerable to an exploitative or devaluing one.”

In their book, she and Villers explain several strategies including the “grey rock” method. “Say for example, a narcissistic ‘friend’ is using information about you in a negative way,” says Villers. “The solution to this is to put them on an ‘information diet.’ The goal is to become so boring that they lose interest in intruding. So, if they ask you what you did for the weekend, just say: ‘not much’. You can still be polite and friendly, while having total control.”

If your boss expects out-of-hours contact, turn off your phone.

Realise you don’t have to continue your family role into adult life

“If you were brought up in a narcissistic family, every relationship is impacted,” says Villiers. “But you have the control to change your behaviour.”

The first step can be to work out exactly who you are, and work out what you really want, as opposed to what your parents or boss thought you ‘should’ be. Small steps can help with this. “Start by making tiny decisions you weren’t allowed to make as a child,” says Villers. “For example, if your parents made you wash your hands in hot water, use cold water. Learn to make your own mistakes. If you make a bad decision as a grown-up, you are not a terrible person.”

Once you gain in confidence, you can start to reevaluate the ‘bigger’ areas of your life.

Reflect on how your past experiences are playing a part

Say, for example, you felt scape-goated as a child, you can see how this plays out in adult relationships. Then you can start to tackle it with evidence and critical thinking.

“You might recall that your mother called you ‘selfish or lazy’,” says Villers. “Look around in your adult relationships for evidence this just isn’t true.” For example, you could have a devoted adult partner, raised a loving family or have done well in your job. “It could be that your parent just called you these things so you would do their bidding, and say yes when you really wanted to say no,’” says Villiers.

You will find that as you gain more control of your own life, the stranglehold of the narcissist will fizzle and die.

You’re Not The Problem: The Impact of Emotional Abuse and How to Heal by Helen Villiers and Katie McKenna is out now