I’ve finally found the buzzing device to end my quest for bedroom bliss

And now, as they used to say, for something completely different. Ladies! Are you yearning for bedroom bliss? Do you crave next-level satisfaction? A gadget that will amp up your pleasure and ramp up your rhapsody?

Well, look no further. I have found it. I’m not one for hyperbole but I can honestly say my marriage has been not just saved but elevated to un-dreamed of heights – not bad given we got together before the first Motorola hit the market.

Of course, innovative bedroom gadgets promising the earth – or indeed its seismic movement – are nothing new. Why, some time ago I wrote on this very topic and an “adult toy” company sent me a freebie.

It was a disconcertingly large package – because it contained not one but two items; a controller and a suggestive-looking insert. The idea was that the lady puts the curved bit where the, ahem, the sun don’t shine and goes about her daily business while her partner zaps her at random so she presumably falls to her knees in Sainsbury’s or does a When Harry Met Sally in John Lewis’s haberdashery department.

Who knew? Let’s just say as I unboxed it, my spouse got quite excited because he thought it was for the dog; a buzzer that could be attached to a collar and could be operated remotely to stop the barking. When I explained its real purpose he was – no other word for it – horrified.

“Will you buzz me when I’m in town?” I demanded, possibly a little more assertively than I intended.

“What? No! Absolutely not!” came his anguished response.

“Why not?”

“I think you mean – dear God – why oh why would I?”

“Because it will be delightfully naughty. It says so on this leaflet.”

At this point he wandered off, shaking his head and looking shell-shocked. “OK Boomer!” I yelled at his retreating back. “I don’t think it’s in the least bit delightfully naughty either. But it says so, ‘on the leaflet’!”

And that was that. I considered haranguing him until he relented but I knew for a fact he would forget as soon as I left the house and I’d have to tiptoe up the High Street dodging pylons and hoping the WiFi in Costa didn’t set me off. A body swerve for which I and every barista in a two-mile radius remain mightily relieved.

So, al fresco friskiness wasn’t the answer to my bedroom blues. Nor was the noisy air con unit, the fancy weighted blanket or the dawn-rising alarm clock.

No, the little gizmo that has brought me joy unconfined came courtesy of the NHS. What is it? It is dear readers, a breathing device that stops my husband from roaring like Krakatoa every night.

For years, I have been kept awake. I thought I’d sorted it with essential oils but that didn’t last and I had latterly resorted to earplugs, loud swearing and vigorous pinching during the interminable pauses just in case he had snored his last.

I wasn’t the only one suffering; moreover, somewhere along the line, my nearest and dearest had developed obstructive sleep apnoea, a condition that leads to the blockage of the airway for 10 seconds or more. This lack of oxygen triggers the brain to interrupt sleep so the airway reopens.

The result is poor sleep quality at night, exhaustion during the day, a higher risk of heart attack, stroke (definitely not the good sort) and – although the NHS website doesn’t say it – a furious, sleep-deprived partner.

To cut a long story short, he underwent tests and was given a CPAP machine. You can look up what that stands for but let me tell you it’s the damn finest piece of hardware I’ve ever come across between the sheets.

It looks nothing like the rasping Darth Vader versions that used to be available. Instead, it is a little clear plastic mask that fits over the nose. I could use the descriptor “piggy” but I promised my husband I wouldn’t. So let’s just say “pigletty” in a cute, Babe sort of way.

A small machine blows air into the tubing attached to the mask, which then keeps the airways open. And best of all, it makes no noise. None!

I no longer have to go to bed hours early to ensure I’m out for the count before the chainsawing starts. I don’t wake up suffused with murderous thoughts. I sleep like a voluptuary. I wake up like a goddess.

Ladies, don’t let anyone tell you different; there are few things more sensuous than silence. And absolutely nothing sexier than a damn good sleep.