I went to a polyamory get-together and this is what happened

I walked into a bright and airy hotel bar and surreptitiously adjusted my dress, feeling self conscious and suddenly shy. Anxiety rumbled in the pit of my stomach as I took in a raft of smiling faces, both younger and older than me, all looking much more at ease than I was feeling.

These were my first steps into polyamory, the practice of having more than one romantic partner. Have you ever thought about the prospect?

I definitely haven’t before - to me it sounds like a lot of effort. But a growing number of people are choosing ‘polyamory’ as a lifestyle choice, and it’s become something of a buzzword in 2024.

Thanks to high-profile pieces in serious publications, there is a definite appetite for it amongst people who perhaps wouldn't have spoken its name a number of years ago. Not for me, I add.

Feeld, a dating app for “those open to experiencing people and relationships in new ways” told Axios that, in the last three years, it has seen a 500% increase in the number of users including the terms ‘ethically nonmonogamous’ and ‘polyamorous’ in their profiles.

Between 2021 and 2023, the dating app OkCupid saw a 45% increase in profile mentions of terms relating to nonmonogamy, also according to the Axios article. Even so, when I was first asked to attend a polyamory get-together, I was concerned.

How would it look if I was speaking to, in my case, men who were obviously seeking to add prospective partners to their romantic portfolio? Would my long-term partner view this as a bridge too far in our monogamous relationship?

But when it came down to it, I couldn’t miss the chance to see what polyamory is about for those who practice it. I went to the event as a favour, an exploration and a bit of fun.

A favour for a friend, who wanted a pal to go with them. An exploration because, as a journalist I like to meet people and find out their stories.

And a bit of fun because, as a woman in a committed monogamous relationship for many years, I wasn’t seeking any further partners - my partner was confident about that, as was I. But I was really interested to find out more about the lifestyle and how it works.

When you imagine the scene, perhaps it sounds sleazy, or at the very least a bit sketchy. But meeting in the lobby bar of a handsome mid-range hotel on a sunny spring afternoon meant it couldn’t have been further from that.

Perhaps those on the outside saw a professional networking event, everyone dressed in their smartest clothing. Or maybe a reunion of those who have travelled or worked together at some stage.

It seems unlikely that they glanced over and thought “that’s a group of people looking for new multiple partners”.

But that’s what was happening. I stood back and watched men and women of all ages and races arrive at the event, many appearing at first to be slightly anxious but all accepted readily into the thrum of conversation.

Out of the total number of around 60 attendees, I spoke to a few, all of them interested in meeting like-minded ‘poly’ people. There was a man who lives with his girlfriend, and has been dating a second poly partner for around six months.

Although he lives with one female partner, he regularly sees his second female partner for ‘dates’ including dinner, movies and plays. The relationship is developing in much the same way any initial relationship would, albeit with everyone involved aware that there are multiple partners to consider.

I also spoke to a woman with a live-in boyfriend, who has been seeing a second partner and also casually dating a third and even fourth. She said that, while she was happy for her live-in boyfriend to date others, his second relationship had broken up a few weeks before.

He too was at the event, although I didn’t find out if he met another possibility for dating. Perhaps he was as overwhelmed as I was with all of the friendly faces looking for a connection.

Because at the end of it all, that’s what it was about - connecting with people. The polyamorous people I spoke to weren’t in it for the sex, although sex is generally a part of it.

There are those who have other partners to stay with them, sleeping together and enjoying each other’s company, while their live-in partners are in the apartment too. But there was no sign of jealousy or of hurt feelings, just a frank acceptance that this is the lifestyle which makes them all happiest.

They weren’t misplaced swingers hunting down a threesome or orgy to titillate their fantasies. Of those I chatted to about their presence at the event, there was an overwhelming sense of wanting to expand friendship groups, or networks, or whatever you want to call it.

It’s just that, as well as wanting to find someone to have a drink with or go to see the football with, they wanted someone to kiss and be romantic with. And, with all of those involved being consenting adults, many in their own poly couples, I would never seek to judge any of them for this lifestyle choice.

Outside of poly relationships, there can be a sense of a ‘primary’ or ‘secondary’ partner, depending on the longevity of a relationship, or whether those involved are co-habiting. But I quickly found that such language is the antithesis of what the poly lifestyle is about.

Those who shared their stories with me were very eager to meet new partners and share their lives with them. There was a sense that, should a current partner become more or less serious, the co-habitation dynamics could easily change.

In some aspects, as in polycules - like a mashup between molecule and polyamory, with as many as a dozen or more ‘partners’ cohabiting in a network - there will be live-in groups of people involved with each other. This will of course require everyone involved to be connected and committed to it.

For me, I have 100% fully discovered, I am not made to see more than one person romantically. But I understand much more now about people who simply feel they have a lot of love to give and want to make romantic connections with more than one person.