Why is everyone talking about... Kyle Walker’s love life

If you’ve been watching England in the Euros, you may have found yourself overwhelmed by a sense of profound ennui. It’s a natural human response to what’s been playing out on the pitch, where Gareth Southgate’s side has struggled to convince many fans that 58 years of hurt are almost over. Perhaps that will change when they take on Slovakia on Sunday. But so far, no one could accuse the team of being too interesting.

But what if we’ve all been looking in the wrong direction? Forget the action on the field. The real excitement is to be found in a far more compelling drama beyond the touchlines. In case you’ve been too busy enduring the general election, or pondering the meaning of Dua Lipa, let us bring you up to date on the only story that really matters in the summer of 2024: the triangled web of Kyle Walker’s love life.

Here are the answers to all the questions you didn’t have in the first place.

Go on then: tell me, if you must, what’s been going on?

In Walker’s personal life? Oh, everything. You know how in Sense and Sensibility, Jane Austen’s heroine Marianne Dashwood must choose between the reserved Colonel Brandon and the seductive John Willoughby? Well imagine a completely different scenario, with the gender roles reversed, far more Instagram messages involved and shots apparently fired across bows via the medium of miniature replica shirts.

To put it simply(ish), the 34-year-old England right-back has two Sweet Carolines in his life, and it’s causing him no end of trouble. The first is his wife and childhood sweetheart Annie Kilner, 32, mother to four of his sons; the second is influencer and reality TV personality Lauryn Goodman, 33, who is not his wife but whose two children he also fathered.

So he’s had six children. So what? Elon Musk has 12

No no, that’s not the point at all. This isn’t about his goal difference with the Tesla chief executive. It’s that he twice got Goodman (that’s his lover, remember) pregnant while in a relationship with Kilner (his wife). And oddly enough this hasn’t gone well for him during the current tournament.

You see, while you were busy watching the England players demonstrate how to turn a nation off football, you might have missed Goodman (lover) sitting in the stand at Frankfurt’s Deutsche Bank Park stadium, watching England’s group C match against Denmark last week. Accompanying her was her four-year-old son, Kairo, excited to see his father play. Kairo was wearing an England shirt with his father’s number two on the back and “Daddy” written above. Meanwhile, only yards away at the same game, one of Walker’s sons with Kilner (wife) was pictured also wearing an England shirt, except this time with “Dad” written on the back. Kilner was reported to be furious that Goodman had turned up uninvited - though it’s unclear who’s been inviting the tens of thousands of other England fans to the games in Germany. Southgate himself? Olaf Scholz?

Isn’t this all rather sad for the two women involved?

Yes, quite. Though there are probably sadder situations to find oneself in than the £3.5 million Cheshire pile where Kilner lives with her children - and Walker, when he is not persona non grata. It is also possible to imagine worse life circumstances than those currently suffered by Goodman in the £2.5 million house in Brighton she was reportedly bought by Walker, who is supporting her and her children - the second of whom was conceived on the eve of a groin operation (yes yes) in London undergone by the Manchester City defender in October 2022. “I nearly fainted,” Walker later told The Sun about the moment he learned Goodman was pregnant with their second child.

Will it all end with a Wagatha Christie-style court case?

Not exactly, though The Daily Mail reports that Goodman and Walker will face each other in the Family Court in London next month, when a judge will decide on the level of child support for the younger of Goodman’s two children. It is not known if Kilner will attend, but until someone coins a name for this debacle as catchy as the Wagatha moniker, don’t expect a West End play about the case.

One similarity with the showdown between Coleen Rooney and Rebekah Vardy is that part of this story has been playing out on Instagram. Last year, for instance, an incredibly cryptic message posted from Goodman’s account began: “Stop igniting the flame claiming others want the limelight” and ended with a caution: “Just remember what goes around comes around.” There have been other swipes on social media, too.

If there’s one complaint to be made, it’s that this spat lacks the real element of mystery that helped Wagatha take off.

So who should we support in all this?

We’re not here to take sides, just to report the facts, rumour, gossip and prurient speculation. But we can tell you who some of the other WAGs are supporting, and that’s Kilner. According to The Sun, Jordan Pickford’s wife Megan, Bukayo Saka’s partner Tolami Benson, and Luke Shaw’s girlfriend Anouska Santos have united behind Walker’s wife.

“They have her back,” said “a source”. “Annie is dealing with what Kyle has done and wants to do that privately,” the source also told the tabloid - because there’s no better way to help someone keep something private than speaking to The Sun about it.

Oh, and there’s more

Spare a thought for the England manager who is fighting a war on two fronts when it comes to keeping a lid on distracting stories about his players’ extracurricular pursuits. Exhibit B is defender Kieran Trippier, whose wife Charlotte has reportedly unfollowed him on Instagram. Since unfollowing your spouse on your socials is the modern day equivalent of hurling their belongings out the window of the marital home, the circus is heading towards Baden Baden levels of bad.

In the unlikely event I want to continue following this saga, where should I look?

Don’t bother watching what happens on the pitch in England’s knock-out game this weekend. Keep your eyes on the stands to see which WAGs are present and which aren’t. Then draw your own highly speculative conclusions. If you’re still not sated, Goodman is set to appear on Celebs Go Dating on Channel 4 at a later date.