20 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (Aug. 1-14)

Kelsey Borresen

14 August 2023 at 7:35 pm·4-min read

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.

Somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.

Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 20 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 14, 2023

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 14, 2023 ">

We need to leave five minutes ago for a family event and my 100% naked husband who is applying lotion to his feet just announced that he's "basically ready."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 13, 2023

We need to leave five minutes ago for a family event and my 100% naked husband who is applying lotion to his feet just announced that he's "basically ready."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 13, 2023 ">

Get married so you can own 5 different types of coffee machines but your wife still goes to Starbucks.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 10, 2023

Get married so you can own 5 different types of coffee machines but your wife still goes to Starbucks.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 10, 2023 ">

Secret to a successful marriage is to call your wife at least 7 times a day to help her find her phone
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 10, 2023

Secret to a successful marriage is to call your wife at least 7 times a day to help her find her phone
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 10, 2023 ">

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 7, 2023

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 7, 2023 ">

wife's still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with "agree to disagree"
— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) August 7, 2023

wife's still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with "agree to disagree"
— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) August 7, 2023 ">

Husband: Can I do AnYtHiNg right?!
Me: No.
— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) August 8, 2023

Husband: Can I do AnYtHiNg right?!
Me: No.
— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) August 8, 2023 ">

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 3, 2023

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 3, 2023 ">

Thought my husband had left for work, so I called him with a question, but he picked up from downstairs where he was still drinking coffee, and what is this a Parisian cafe
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 10, 2023

Thought my husband had left for work, so I called him with a question, but he picked up from downstairs where he was still drinking coffee, and what is this a Parisian cafe
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 10, 2023 ">

Me: *changes kids for swim lessons, replenishes diapers and snacks in diaper bag, about to walk to the car*

Husband: *starts unloading dishwasher*
— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) August 13, 2023

Me: changes kids for swim lessons, replenishes diapers and snacks in diaper bag, about to walk to the car

Husband: starts unloading dishwasher
— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) August 13, 2023 ">

My husband: You've been spending a lot of money on Halloween stuff.
Me: Would it help if I showed you the total on the things I HAVEN'T bought on my "save for later" lists?
Husband: No.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) August 2, 2023

My husband: You've been spending a lot of money on Halloween stuff.
Me: Would it help if I showed you the total on the things I HAVEN'T bought on my "save for later" lists?
Husband: No.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) August 2, 2023 ">

Not to be outdone by my husband misplacing his keys the whole time, I left my keys outside in the garden overnight.
— Laura prefers the bird (@ericamorecambe) August 14, 2023

Not to be outdone by my husband misplacing his keys the whole time, I left my keys outside in the garden overnight.
— Laura prefers the bird (@ericamorecambe) August 14, 2023 ">

My husband is watching "Six Feet Under" for the first time and don't think I wasn't excited to point to a first season actor in an episode from 22 years ago and say "I did sketch comedy with him in college."
— @benjaminjs.bsky.social (@BenjaminJS) August 13, 2023

My husband is watching "Six Feet Under" for the first time and don't think I wasn't excited to point to a first season actor in an episode from 22 years ago and say "I did sketch comedy with him in college."
— @benjaminjs.bsky.social (@BenjaminJS) August 13, 2023 ">

Do you know many things a couple can disagree about when cooking spaghetti?

11, the answer is 11.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) August 14, 2023

Do you know many things a couple can disagree about when cooking spaghetti?

11, the answer is 11.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) August 14, 2023 ">

would’ve totally won megamillions had I got our anniversary right please don’t let my wife see the winning numbers thanks
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) August 5, 2023

would’ve totally won megamillions had I got our anniversary right please don’t let my wife see the winning numbers thanks
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) August 5, 2023 ">

I used to not understand how people could let their pets run their lives.

Last night my husband slept on the couch because the dogs pushed him all the way off our bed.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 13, 2023

I used to not understand how people could let their pets run their lives.

Last night my husband slept on the couch because the dogs pushed him all the way off our bed.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 13, 2023 ">

while my kids had an end of the summer hang out with their friends last night, my wife and I may or may not have had a "kids are going back to school" celebration 🙄
— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) August 12, 2023

while my kids had an end of the summer hang out with their friends last night, my wife and I may or may not have had a "kids are going back to school" celebration 🙄
— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) August 12, 2023 ">

My wife was frantically looking for her misplaced car keys as we were running late to an event and let me tell ya, that was not an appropriate time to make pocket jokes.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 4, 2023

My wife was frantically looking for her misplaced car keys as we were running late to an event and let me tell ya, that was not an appropriate time to make pocket jokes.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 4, 2023 ">

Mom friend: Who’s hardest? Your oldest or youngest?
Me: My husband.
— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) August 4, 2023

Mom friend: Who’s hardest? Your oldest or youngest?
Me: My husband.
— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) August 4, 2023 ">

Me: I’m gonna be so upset if the skeleton dies in this book.

Wife: Skeleton? Sounds like he’s already dead.

Me: HE’S REANIMATED!!!!!!

Wife: Oh wow, sorry I’m not familiar with the arcane secrets of necromancy!
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) August 12, 2023

Me: I’m gonna be so upset if the skeleton dies in this book.

Wife: Skeleton? Sounds like he’s already dead.

Me: HE’S REANIMATED!!!!!!

Wife: Oh wow, sorry I’m not familiar with the arcane secrets of necromancy!
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) August 12, 2023 ">

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My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 14, 2023 ">

We need to leave five minutes ago for a family event and my 100% naked husband who is applying lotion to his feet just announced that he's "basically ready."— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 13, 2023 ">

Get married so you can own 5 different types of coffee machines but your wife still goes to Starbucks.— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 10, 2023 ">

Secret to a successful marriage is to call your wife at least 7 times a day to help her find her phone— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 10, 2023 ">

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 7, 2023 ">

wife's still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with "agree to disagree"— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) August 7, 2023 ">

Husband: Can I do AnYtHiNg right?!Me: No.— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) August 8, 2023 ">

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 3, 2023 ">

Thought my husband had left for work, so I called him with a question, but he picked up from downstairs where he was still drinking coffee, and what is this a Parisian cafe— meghan (@deloisivete) August 10, 2023 ">

Me: *changes kids for swim lessons, replenishes diapers and snacks in diaper bag, about to walk to the car*Husband: *starts unloading dishwasher*— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) August 13, 2023 ">

My husband: You've been spending a lot of money on Halloween stuff.Me: Would it help if I showed you the total on the things I HAVEN'T bought on my "save for later" lists?Husband: No.— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) August 2, 2023 ">

Not to be outdone by my husband misplacing his keys the whole time, I left my keys outside in the garden overnight.— Laura prefers the bird (@ericamorecambe) August 14, 2023 ">

My husband is watching "Six Feet Under" for the first time and don't think I wasn't excited to point to a first season actor in an episode from 22 years ago and say "I did sketch comedy with him in college."— @benjaminjs.bsky.social (@BenjaminJS) August 13, 2023 ">

Do you know many things a couple can disagree about when cooking spaghetti?11, the answer is 11.— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) August 14, 2023 ">

would’ve totally won megamillions had I got our anniversary right please don’t let my wife see the winning numbers thanks— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) August 5, 2023 ">

I used to not understand how people could let their pets run their lives. Last night my husband slept on the couch because the dogs pushed him all the way off our bed.— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 13, 2023 ">

while my kids had an end of the summer hang out with their friends last night, my wife and I may or may not have had a "kids are going back to school" celebration 🙄— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) August 12, 2023 ">

My wife was frantically looking for her misplaced car keys as we were running late to an event and let me tell ya, that was not an appropriate time to make pocket jokes.— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 4, 2023 ">

Mom friend: Who’s hardest? Your oldest or youngest? Me: My husband.— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) August 4, 2023 ">

Me: I’m gonna be so upset if the skeleton dies in this book. Wife: Skeleton? Sounds like he’s already dead. Me: HE’S REANIMATED!!!!!! Wife: Oh wow, sorry I’m not familiar with the arcane secrets of necromancy!— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) August 12, 2023 ">