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30 Hilarious Phil Hartman Quotes From Movies And TV

Mike Reyes

6 April 2024 at 5:00 pm

Words of hilarity from a comedy legend.

“OH! THESE COOKIES!” - Jingle All The Way

“Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, I'm just a Caveman. I fell in some ice and later got thawed out by your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me.” - SNL

“Hi, I’m Troy McClure! You may remember me from…” - The Simpsons

“I think World War II was my favorite war.” - Small Soldiers

“Since when does a soap opera control the future of the country?” - The Second Civil War

“You don’t scare me! I’ve got chunks of guys like you in my stool!” - SNL

“This one I like. I keep. This one displeases me.” - NewsRadio

“As of this moment Lionel Hutz doesn’t exist. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!” - The Simpsons

“My name is John Johnson but everyone here calls me Vicki.” - So I Married An Axe Murderer

“Trust me my friend, me and my cane, when I find it, will find you! And…well, you get the idea.” - NewsRadio

"Wake up Manhattan. Wake up Brooklyn. Wake up… the other three boroughs." - NewsRadio

“Sprechen Sie Sassy?” - SNL

“You can’t bench press your way out of this one.” - Jingle All The Way

“These books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!” - The Simpsons

“Don’t you trust your own brother? Right, no argument there.” - Blind Date

"Don't try to confuse me with the facts!" - NewsRadio

“My robot programming prohibits me from harming humans, but I am starting to wonder if this circuitry could not be bypassed somehow." - SNL

“Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage and I couldn’t help overhearing that you need a babysitter.” - The Simpsons

“Excuse me! You're not off the hook yet, there's just the little matter of the massive damage to my home, and my garage, and my audio-visual component system, and...this is good, thanks." - Small Soldiers

“There’s ‘The Truth,’ and ‘The Truth!’” - The Simpsons

“I missed an important occasion, but with the money I made from those two commercials, I was able to buy my infant son a pair of colored contact lenses.” - SNL

"I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer." - The Simpsons

"Dave, when a person reaches a certain level of success in life, he finds he needs a loyal companion. Take Batman for example!" - NewsRadio

“Is it the pills? The sheep? The ducks? Your wife?” - SNL

“It’s the part I was born to play, baby!” - The Simpsons

“There's gonna be a whole bunch of things we don't tell Mrs. Clinton. Fast food is the least of our worries, ok buddy?” - SNL

“I move for a bad court thingy.” - The Simpsons

“Kind of a downer, huh? Especially with everyone dying, and Matthew and I needing each other, and all of that.” - NewsRadio

“Jimmy, don’t make me have to kill you.” - SNL

“If Lincoln was here, you think he’d let a bunch of orphans decide everything?” - The Second Civil War

Words of hilarity from a comedy legend.

The late Phil Hartman was a comedic talent that could ride the line between smarmy and funny like no other. Creating iconic characters on SNL and Newsradio, as well as memorable moments in The Simpsons, there was no role the man’s talents couldn’t tackle. So if you find yourself in the need of some prime laughter, feel free to enjoy the following assortment of Hartman magic that keeps his legacy alive.

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Phil Hartman's career in movies and TV racked up some of the best comedy quotes of all time.

Bristol Live
Princess Kate will only meet Harry on one condition - and it's not what he wants to hear
Princess Kate will only meet with Prince Harry during his UK visit on one condition, according to one Royal expert
OK! Magazine
King Charles' '4-word response' to Harry's request to meet during UK visit
Prince Harry has reportedly extended an olive branch to King Charles and asked if the pair can meet during his upcoming visit to the UK and he received a 'four-word response'
OK! Magazine
'Hot granny' Gogglebox star stuns fans as she reveals crochet bikini snap in Marbella
Former Gogglebox star Mica Ven has been dubbed a 'hot granny' after sharing a snap from Marbella in a bright pink crochet bikini, soaking up the sun on the trip
HuffPost
'She Was So Rude, My Family Is No Longer Allowed To Listen To Her Music': 34 Of The Absolute Best And Worst Celebrities People Have Ever Met
"I went to shake her hand, and she looked me up and down and said, 'I don't shake hands,' then walked away."
The Telegraph
John Nettles interview: ‘Actors were on Bergerac for their talent – it wasn’t about inclusivity’
John Nettles picks me up from Exeter St David’s station in a weary looking mud-splattered Rover. Alas, the claret-coloured open topped 1949 Triumph Roadster, synonymous with Nettles’ career-defining detective Jim Bergerac from the eponymous Eighties hit BBC series, is nowhere to be seen. “That old thing had become so battered, mushrooms had started growing inside it,” he says. “When the late Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip visited us on set on Jersey, we had to cover the back seats with a bla
Birmingham Live
ITV Coronation Street actress speaks out on husband's 'break-up' with co-star
Sally Carman-Duttine plays Abi Webster on the popular soap
Hello!
Elizabeth Hurley, 58, dances in daring linen dress during Maldives getaway
Elizabeth Hurley showed off her new summer dress as she danced up a storm in the Maldives.
Liverpool Echo
ITV Emmerdale's Rosie Bentham ditches UK for exotic location with co-star 'partner'
The soap star has taken a well deserved trip away
Manchester Evening News
James Martin says guest 'won't be back' on Saturday Morning show
James Martin was joined by a host of chefs and celebrities on his ITV show on Saturday morning
Birmingham Live
Kate Middleton 'heartbroken' over Prince William's plans for Prince George
The Princess of Wales is said to have 'given in' to her husband's wishes
OK! Magazine
Eamonn Holmes concerns fans with new photo as they say 'don't scare us'
Eamonn Holmes has sparked concern from fans after sharing a new photo of himself on social media, with many rushing to check he was okay after first thinking the snap was a tribute
Liverpool Echo
ITV Good Morning Britain's Kate Garraway supported by Susanna Reid after personal update
It has been a special week for the broadcaster
Oxford Mail
James May doesn't want to work with Jeremy Clarkson again
James May does not want to work with Top Gear chums Jeremy Clarkson or Richard Hammond again.
Hello!
Carrie Johnson delights with adorable photo of red-haired baby son Frank
Carrie Johnson and former Prime Minister Boris Johnson share three young children including ten-month-old Frank, who posed for an adorable photo eating a sweet treat on Sunday
Hello!
Kylie Minogue is out of this world in daring cutaway outfit – and sister Dannii is in love
Kylie Minogue has been living her best life in Las Vegas as she performs at her residency and the Padam Padam songstress looked sensational as she posed in a daring outfit alongside Janet Jackson
OK! Magazine
Gogglebox fans all say the same thing as Stephen and Daniel Lustig-Webb reunite after split
The Channel4 Gogglebox stars Stephen and Daniel Lustig-Webb filed for divorce after six years of marriage recently but have since reunited after vowing to remain best friends
The Telegraph
Royal family’s popularity up since Coronation – apart from one
Every senior member of the Royal family has seen a boost in popularity since the Coronation apart from the Duchess of Sussex, a poll has revealed.
The Telegraph
TV adaptation of The Tattooist of Auschwitz ‘distorts and falsifies’ Holocaust truth, says historian
A historian has claimed the new TV drama The Tattooist of Auschwitz “distorts and falsifies” the truth about the Holocaust.
Liverpool Echo
ITV Britain's Got Talent viewers baffled as message flashes up at end of show
Fans were confused as the change was announced
OK! Magazine
Steph McGovern reveals BBC Breakfast blunder as guest's X-rated item makes cameo
Steph McGovern has opened up about a hilarious blunder that occurred during a virtual interview on BBC Breakfast, which saw an X-rated item exposed in the background