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27 Absolutely Ridiculous Rodney Dangerfield One-Liners

Jason Wiese

1 July 2024 at 8:00 pm

These jokes earned our respect.

"I Was So Poor, My Rich Aunt Died; In The Will, I Owed Her $20"

"Hey Baby, You Must've Been Something Before Electricity"

"My Psychiatrist Told Me I'm Going Crazy. I Said, 'If You Don't Mind, I'd Like A Second Opinion.' He Said, 'All Right. You're Ugly, Too’”

"I Mean, The High School I Went To, They Asked A Kid To Prove The Law Of Gravity, He Threw The Teacher Out The Window!"

"I'll Tell Ya, My Whole Life, All I Know Is Rejection. When I Was A Kid, My Yo-Yo: It Never Came Back"

"Yeah, Well You Were The Inspiration For Twin Beds!"

"Last Week, I Told My Kid, 'Be Honest. Always Be Honest.’ He Said, ‘All Right. I'm Not Your Kid'"

"Good Teacher. He Really Seems To Care. About What, I Have No Idea"

"I Know How To Make A Girl Say, 'Yes.' I Ask Her, 'Am I Bothering You?'"

"My Wife Can't Do Nothin' Right. She Can't Cook... I Mean, How Can Toast Have Bones?"

"The Last Time I Saw A Mouth Like That, It Had A Hook In It"

"I'll Tell Ya, My Kid: He Drives Me Nuts. For Three Years Now, He Goes To A Private School. He Won't Tell Me Where It Is!"

"Last Week, I Looked Up My Family Tree. Two Dogs Were Using It!"

"Siskel And Ebert Caught My Show. They Gave Me One Finger Up"

"This Kid Imitates Everything. That's Why We Got Rid Of The Dog"

"My Wife Cracked Up The Car Again... She Told Me She Would Make A U-Turn. I'll Tell Ya, The Letter She Made You'll Never Find In The Alphabet"

"Oh, We Were Doomed From The Start. I'm An Earth Sign. She's A Water Sign. Together, We Made Mud"

"My Doctor, He Don't Help Either. He Told Me To Run Five Miles A Day For Two Weeks. I Called Him Up. I Said, 'Doc, I'm 70 Miles From My House'"

“Hey, I'm Smart. When I Was Paper Trained I Learned How To Read It, Too"

"I Know I'm Ugly. I Stuck My Head Out The Window, Got Arrested For Mooning"

“I’ll Tell Ya, This Steak Still Has Marks From Where The Jockey Was Hitting It"

"Last Week, My House Was On Fire. My Wife Told The Kids, 'Be Quiet. You'll Wake Up Daddy’”

"I Think I'm Attracted To Teachers. Yeah, I Took Out An English Teacher. That Didn't Work Out At All. I Sent Her A Love Letter... She Corrected It!"

"Oh, This Is The Worst-Looking Hat I Ever Saw. What, When You Buy A Hat Like This, I Bet You Get A Free Bowl Of Soup, Huh?"

"My Wedding Day, That Was A Beauty. I Went To Put The Ring On. She Gave Me The Wrong Finger"

"One Time I Saw Him, He Gave Me Sleeping Pills. He Told Me To Take Them Whenever I Wake Up"

"Fore!... I Should Have Yelled, 'Two!'"

These jokes earned our respect.

Rodney Dangerfield used to claim that, all his life, he never got any respect at all. Well, I guess you can call us the exception, because the countless one-liners that the stand-up icon conceived are absolutely nothing short of comedy gold as far as we are concerned. The following are some of our favorite examples of the late comedian’s best and most uproarious jokes that he shared from the stage and in the movies.

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Get a laugh out of these one-liners from Rodney Dangerfield's stand-up and movies.

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