29 Fantastic Johnny Carson Quotes

Jason Wiese

26 June 2024 at 4:30 pm

Heeerrrrrrrrrrrre's some of Johnny's best quotes.

“Sis Boom Bah... Describe The Sound Made When A Sheep Explodes"

"That's Mister Rogers To You And Stay... Out Of My Neighborhood"

"Today, The Surgeon General Introduced The First 'Safe Santa'... He Has A Velcro Lap So Your Kid Can't Fall Over And Hurt Himself"

"I Do Chores Around The House Just Like Anybody Else..."

"Going In Style... What Is It Called When You're On A Gucci Toilet?"

“The Post Office Asked Me To Tell You, To Save Time… Break Your Own Packages Before Mailing”

“Last Night, It Was So Cold, The Flashers In New York Were Only Describing Themselves”

“Nicaragua… What Can Happen If You Shave Your Ragua Too Fast?”

“I Think Claude Cooper Copped My Copper Clappers Kept In A Closet”

“If You Wake Up And You’re Not In The Obituaries, That’s A Wonderful Start”

“We Couldn’t Afford Mistletoe. I Had To Kiss My Girl Under The Poison Ivy”

“Did You Know Richard Nixon Is The Only President Whose Formal Portrait Was Painted By A Police Sketch Artist?”

“10-4… How Do A Big Guy And A Little Guy Split 14 Bucks?"

“If I’m In Front Of An Audience, I Can Feel Comfortable… I’m In Control”

“Three Dog Night… What’s A Bad Night For A Tree?”

“You Got No Job? We Don't Care. Bad Credit Rating? We Don't Care. Got A Prison Record? We Don't Care. Don’t Expect To Pay Us? That's When We Care”

“Spam… What’s The Sound Of A Pig Hitting The Bottom Of An Elevator Shaft?”

“If You Are A Comedian… If You Start To Take Yourself Too Seriously, Your Sense Of Humor Suffers Somewhere”

“Gatorade... What Does An Alligator Get On Welfare?"

“Is Your Mind So Cluttered With Trash That You Have To Call The Department Of Sanitation Just To Collect Your Thoughts?”

“Did You Ever Get A Fruitcake For Christmas?…”

“A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, Eck… Describe The Sound Made By Someone Choking To Death On Alphabet Soup”

“I Think If You’re Happy In Your Work And You’re Relatively Happy With Yourself, You Don’t Go Out Looking For It”

“Last Night, Geraldo Rivera Broke Into The Head Of A Valley Girl And Found Nothing”

Heeerrrrrrrrrrrre's some of Johnny's best quotes.

It seems that everyone has a different opinion of who is the best late-night TV host these days, but at least most people would agree that anyone currently in the business does not hold a candle to Johnny Carson. The iconic comedian — who passed away at the age of 79 in 2005 — hosted The Tonight Show for an unprecedented and unmatched 30 years, becoming the long-running program’s definitive emcee and one of television’s all-time greatest icons in the process. Relive some of his most memorable moments by sifting through this collection of hilarious and even insightful Johnny Carson quotes.

NBC

Take a look at some of the funniest and most amusing things Johnny Carson said on The Tonight Show or elsewhere.

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