'I am not a superwoman': Guardian readers on being childfree (or not)

How things are set up makes it an utterly shit gig for women. The last time I even considered marrying was 14 years ago. I’d been dating a guy for a few months (who had three kids I’d been cooking for). One day I found myself in his bathroom cleaning the toilet. It was like being slapped awake. How did I get here? I called him into the bathroom and he laughed, genuinely delighted, and said: I knew if I let it get nasty enough you’d clean it! He was serious. It was in that moment I realized what the marriage/kids gig really was: ceaseless servitude. – Kay, North Carolina

Related: Why I don't have a child: society isn't built for motherhood

I chose a very demanding career (orthopedic surgery) and I knew that if I had children, I would forever be feeling guilty about either being at work or being somewhere for a child. Women can lean in all they want but there are still only 24 hours in a day. I also didn’t see the value in having children and then having someone else raise them.

Over the years, I have been amazed at the outright rude comments made about my choice. A nurse once told me directly that my marriage would never be a real family because I had no children. People who have traveled a traditional path often seem to feel so threatened by those who choose a different route. Why would they care about my choice, when I certainly don’t care about theirs? – Marie, Tennessee

After struggling with infertility for seven years, I almost feel grateful that I now have the opportunity to rethink what it is that I truly want. Given the state of the world, I feel myself moving from being helplessly childless to happily childfree! It is liberating! – Amelia, Melbourne

I thought it would be fun and I was correct. They have brought me so much joy. I work full-time at night as an emergency medicine physician so I can be home during the day in case they need me. – Louisa, Ft Lauderdale

I would love to hear from older couples who have made this decision and how they’re making a life without the assumed family structure around them. Without a child to care for them in old age, how are they planning for the tail end of life without loneliness? – Anonymous, South Carolina

I was eight years old when I made the decision that I was never going to have children. As a mixed-ethnicity person in a predominantly white town I had just been racially abused, and right there I made the decision I would never bring a child into this world to face that abuse. – Natalie, England

[I have] no desire to have children, that biological clock never ticked – the long hours I work, financially struggling without a child, as a writer I’ve often worried I might be resentful of having to give up the little free time I have to care for a child; [or] that having a child will bring back my own struggles with mental illness [or] pass them on. – Carly, South Florida

I was sterilized in my late 20s and have never, ever regretted it. The overwhelming desire to be a mother that seizes some women has never hit me. I do care for others. I was a psychiatric nurse for years. I volunteer at animal rescues. I am a good and caring friend. The argument that it is selfish not to want children makes no sense to me. – Berenice, Singapore

As a lesbian, I fell outside of the societal pressure to marry a man and have children. Now, I am glad to not be adding to the overpopulation of the Earth and climate change associated with it. And I worry about the world we are leaving for the children being born now. – Laura, Utah

I conceived my son at 39. It’s all a hormonal haze, to be totally honest. However, what I have learned since having him – he is now 2.5 – is that children turn you inside out, they change your whole life, and they change you. Having my son has made me grow up and be mature, feel more settled, become fitter and healthier, and even informed my politics in ways I never thought was possible. I really believe that there is no equivalent experience. That said I absolutely do not judge anyone for not wanting children and do not consider it at all selfish to opt out. – Elizabeth, London

When hard times fell on me and my family, I had taken the duty of being a live-in nanny. It opened my eyes to the more nasty jobs of childcare – sickness, disobedience, the loss of sleep, loss of identity, the feelings of being trapped, no ambition. I became the mother of two children that weren’t mine, and despite me not having to deal with the financial burden, the physical, emotional and mental toll bore down on me. I became angry, reluctant and harsh in my usually gentle teachings.

Through a site on the internet, I discovered that being childfree was actually a thing – I didn’t have an obligation to birth children. It wasn’t something that was bound to happen. – Ja’Nese, US

I grew up in the shadow of the nuclear apocalypse. With the escalating cold war I never expected to live this long. Both my husband and I also had a parent who was needy and demanding. We were both in the position of “parenting” a difficult parent. That doesn’t leave much emotional space for anything else. You learn to value the time you can carve out for yourself and have no desire to fill it up with a child who would be equally or even more demanding. - Mina, Canada

My mother said that when I was three, I said, “Let’s play mummies and daddies, I’ll be the mummy,” and then I burst into tears. My perception was that my mother was always crying. She had four children in 42 months. - Elizabeth, England

I tried [to have biological children] my entire adult life and while it was difficult and emotionally painful, it got better over time. My ex-husband and I separated due to the pressures of infertility, and he went on to have four children with his new wife – eye roll. Post-menopause, the pain of infertility has mostly subsided, but the constant discrimination and exclusion make life very hard. My family, who are very pro-natalist, constantly start a sentence with “as a mother …” and are rude and insensitive. True equality will only occur when we value the lives of all women, not just mothers. -Anonymous, Australia

I have had to support myself my entire life (I’m 62) and I felt I could not afford children financially or be able to raise them and keep my job. The thought of having a child was just terrifying. I never felt any kind of maternal urges or want of children. I was able to support myself and retire with a pension and I don’t think I would have been able to if I had children to support. – Nancy, Arizona

I grew up in a strong religious community that expected women to be wives and mothers. I think there’s more to life than that! My life has more purpose than being a wife and mother. I have never felt that desire to be a mother. I also feel tired a lot of the time, and I know having kids takes away precious hours or sleep/rest. I don’t think I could function on multiple days of lack of sleep due to kids. Also, I have a strong fear of vomit, and kids puke all the time! No thanks! – Jessica, Arkansas