This week the Apprentice hopefuls were roused from their beds at 5am for a briefing from Lord Sugar at The Royal Albert Hall.
That got us all guessing what the tenuous link to the actual task might be. Something to do with music? Making miniature Union Flags for Proms devotees? Persuading piercing enthusiasts to have a Prince Albert?
— Freddy Quinne (@FreddyQuinne) October 24, 2018
Come on. This is The Apprentice. the last guess was, against all rational expectation, the closest. Body modification was the theme. Or…at least…body enhancement. This week Team Typhoon and Team Collaborative would be competing to see who could rip off some seriously ripped people.
Everybody gets a turn on Kayode
There was also some team enhancement, with super-salesman Kayode being reassigned to Team Collaborative. Presumably to balance out Team Typhoon’s solid win last week.
— Andi (@AndiMcLellan) October 24, 2018
Sarah had a simpler suggestion for success. She thought the team should just give ‘a hundred and fifty million per cent.’
Sack her for saying 150 million per cent #TheApprentice
— Cllr. Patrick Rochford (@PatrickRochford) October 24, 2018
That isn’t how percentages work Sarah. Would it be an idea to stay away from the numbers this week maybe?
No. Because as we soon discover, Sarah is Collaborative’s Project Manager this week and is totally fixated on the figures.
When she talks to the vendors of the products that the two teams are competing to secure a franchise on, she asks so many questions about discounts that she completely alienates everyone.
But it’s only sensible that she’s leading on the fitness task because ‘she goes to the gym.’
Which is a shame because Rick really wanted the job: “Who votes for me?” he implored, as tumbleweed blew through the Albert Hall.
Kayode was pretty disappointed with his assigned role too, but he was appointed Sub-Team Leader to take the sting out of that.
‘Are people comfortable doing massages?’
— Toby Par-Earle-normal (@TobyonTV) October 24, 2018
And what will the Sub-Team be doing? Giving massages. Which somehow, Kurran With The Bad Arm was wildly in favour of.
It’s already clear that Kayode is now, on the basis of his donut prowess alone, everybody’s favourite.
Imagine not putting your best seller on the sales team #TheApprentice
— Matt (@unitedkanamixer) October 24, 2018
— Freddie (@FreddiePalmer92) October 24, 2018
Though I have to say Kayode is head and shoulders above everyone else in the charisma stakes. #TheApprentice
— 🍻Gary B🍻 (@ryan_da_lion) October 24, 2018
Daniel’s love/hate relationship
Daniel showed some enthusiasm too. Talking to the Sauna Guy: “I like the product.’ And, moments later, talking about the Sauna Guy: “I don’t like the product.”
— The Apprentice (@bbcapprentice) October 24, 2018
But we can’t judge Apprentice candidates by our rules. When the owner of the tanning equipment they’ll be using starts explaining ‘crotch socks’ no one cracks a smile. Not one of them.
Camilla is rightly concerned about the tanning gun, worried that there might be a ‘Ross from Friends’ incident.
Khadija is more sanguine. “It can’t be that difficult to spray evenly,” she says. Have you SEEN Donald Trump?
Sabrina’s extreme enthusiasm for every product she sees pays off when she manages to score the exercise equipment franchise for her team. Sarah’s team end up with the unfancied sauna business. “It’s a blessing in disguise,” says Rick, gamely. Pure Spïnal Tap.
Dance like no-one’s watching
— Central Gore (@FFigureFBust) October 24, 2018
Daniel gets into selling the weird exercise rope things. No-one says ‘money for old rope’ at any point.’ We really can’t judge Apprentice candidates by our rules.
Have you noticed how the voiceover never says ‘Camilla’? It’s always NUT MILK PRODUCER Camilla.
Team Collaborative get to do an onstage presentation. There is dancing. OMG…Kurran With The Bad Arm. Who wasn’t at that point praying for Lord Sugar to announce that next week’s task would be based on choreography?
This week’s task was, in fairness, a better test of entrepreneurial flair and sales ability than we usually see on The Apprentice, which was starting to slide into Generation Game territory. Rick didn’t seem that confident of his ability to sell under pressure and Alex was just woeful, seemingly much more interested in insurance.
No-one could quite handle his attitude to what he was selling:
Alex: “I can’t sell spray tan i don’t do it and I’m a boy”
Sabrina: “But Alex you don’t go to the gym either so”
— Dan Williams 🏴 (@Dan_Williams_98) October 24, 2018
— WHEDDSTA (@Wheddsta) October 24, 2018
‘i can’t sell female products’ shut up alex u wet wipe it’s a bit of fake fan #TheApprentice
— 🧞♀️molls♕ (@mollyfthes) October 24, 2018
— Kayte Kayte (@TayteKakes) October 24, 2018
— Jack (@formersugababe) October 24, 2018
Sabrina remained resolutely upbeat throughout the task. There was no way she could lose…was there?
Yes there was. While the big-ticket sales were almost neck-and-neck, the neck massages were the deciding factor.
Bye, Alex. ‘Wirral’ happy you’ve gone…
One interesting little detail as the winning team left the boardroom: Little bit of post-match needle? Jasmine appeared to ‘accidentally’ bash into her team’s dead weight; Kurran With The Bad Arm.
Who predicts he’s going to be PM for the next task. And win it. And make Lord Sugar eat his words.
— t÷sha (@eds_shirtsleeve) October 24, 2018
Meanwhile, Alex is confidently averring “I will win this process.”
It’s hard to decide which of them is wrongest.
Well, it’s not. Claude has had quite enough of Alex. And so, it appears, have we.