Yahoo News Bachelor in Paradise recap: Say hello to your shower-fresh competition, ladies
It was a wild night in Paradise, rose lovers. One dude was run off the beach by a pack of angry women, another was carted off in an ambulance, and then the OG women were evicted by Jesse Palmer — to make room for five new bombshells. That's right: Split week has begun.
Let's recap!
Guess what? Ashley and Jared are STILL HERE.
ABC Make it stop.
For the love of all that's holy, Team Bachelor, please, please never do this again. This experiment is a failure. WE HATE IT. Understand? Thanks.
It's the day of the rose ceremony, and the men are preparing for the worst. Rodney says it's going to be "a bloodbath," and Justin dubs it the "Red Rose Ceremony." The men who aren't coupled up include Justin, Casey, Michael, Peter the Pizza Idiot, and either Logan or James — depending on who Shanae picks.
Realizing he's alone for the first time all season, Michael is now second-guessing his decision to friendzone Sierra. "I did not think she'd leave," he confesses to Wells. "Now I'm in this position where I'm not sure there's anybody here that's right for me." Mmm-hmm — that's how Paradise works, you doofus.
The women, however, are feeling great. "I am not in my head, and it's f---ing awesome," says Genevieve. And Shanae is in the catbird seat, still mulling over whether to pick Logan or James. "I might shock some people tonight," she says.
Hey, look who's here, fresh from his air-conditioned hotel!
ABC Jesse's back!
Oh crap, he's here to "talk about two Bachelor in Paradise legends." UGH. I refuse to recap this Jared and Ashley update, other than to say this: They had sex in Paradise. The end. God willing, they are gone for good.
With that, Jesse reminds everyone that five men will be going home and tells the men to "get to work." Gross, dude. That said, there is work to be done. Logan, for one, needs to reclaim his spot as no. 1 in Shanae's heart. He pulls her for a lie-down chat on the day bed, and he's encouraged to see that she's wearing the bracelet he gave her. (She's wearing it as an anklet, but it still counts.)
As Shanae and Logan smooch, James sits at the bar despondently. "I'm fearful I'm going to be here a second time and fail," he says. "I'm out here fighting tooth and nail for Shanae." And this guy knows that there's one surefire way to Shanae-nae's heart:
ABC Shanae, James, and shrimp.
Shrimp! To woo his lady, James has asked production to prepare a veritable buffet: Shrimp tacos, shrimp seasoned with salt and pepper, something called "green shrimp," and chocolate-covered shrimp. Blech. (For anyone who didn't watch Clayton's season, just google "Shanae" and "shrimpgate" for all the tragic details.)
Anyhoo, Shanae LOVES it. "James went the extra, extra mile," she says. But will it be enough? Don't expect an answer anytime soon, because this cocktail party is going to drag on for a while. Casey's wandering around, using a little gallows humor to get through the night. "I might be misreading it," he tells Michael and Justin, "but I think I have a chance with Serene." Good one, buddy! With nothing left to lose, Casey decides to make a play for Brittany —and his plan to lure her away from Andrew involves throwing his nemesis, Peter the Pizza Idiot, under the bus.
"Peter is a complete [bleep]," says Casey. "He went on a date and a girl didn't like him, and his response is, 'Let's bury her.' Like, crazy." From there we're treated to a montage of Peter trash-talking Brittany, saying that she talked non-stop about Instagram and TikTok on their date and suggesting that she's just there for followers. Casey knows that's complete BS, as are most things that come out of Peter's mouth, so his plan is to tell Brittany what Peter's been saying… in the hopes that she thinks he's a "hero" and gives him her rose? Not a super likely scenario, but I guess Casey has nothing to lose.
He puts his plan into action, informing Brittany that "Peter is running his mouth" about her, that he called her a "clout chaser," and so on. This has the intended effect: Brittany gets riled up and decides she needs to have a "serious conversation" with Pizza Idiot. And rose lovers, it's a doozy.
ABC Brittany is displeased.
Peter tries to claim that the conversations on their date were "one-sided," but Brittany immediately shuts him down and blasts him for trying to kiss her after five minutes and spending the whole day fishing for compliments. Peter shoots back that Brittany is a "waste of time," at which point she hits her limit and walks off. Jill asks her what happened, and her response when Brittany tells her is pretty hilarious:
ABC Jill isn't having it.
At this point, Brittany wants to "drop it," but now that the other Paradisians are involved, and they are ready to throw hands. "No one wants to get involved in drama," says Jill (LOLOLOLOL). "But he's making Brittany feel uncomfortable, and if my friend's feeling uncomfortable, I'm going to do whatever I can to make her feel better. I want him to leave."
To that end, Jill marches over to Peter and informs him that it's time for him to leave the beach. "Please get up those stairs and get the f--- out of here," she snaps. Over at the bar, Casey is watching the drama unfold, and it's starting to make him feel a little woozy. "I didn't do this to try to, like, make things worse," he mutters. "I'm telling you right now, I feel very dizzy, and, um… I think I might pass out." Soon, the stress of causing such a ruckus on the beach is too much for Casey to handle, and…
ABC Casey wobbles and he does fall down.
Man down! Man down! Panic ensues. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!" yells Andrew, as everyone calls for help. The medics arrive to check him out, and soon Casey is sitting up and answering their questions. "I think it's probably more circumstantial than physical," he admits. "I felt overwhelmed by what was going on around me." Casey thinks that it'd be best for him to leave the beach because all of the drama is "exacerbating the issue" — but he's gonna have to be carried out, because somehow, he hurt his ankle when he fell. Thank goodness Big Paulie is in the house!
ABC Casey is carried out of Paradise.
In case you were wondering: Nope, Casey is not coming back. It's okay, the dude was going to be sent home this week anyway.
Despite being told he is very much not wanted in Paradise, Peter is still skulking on the beach. Jacob decides it's up to the men to rescue the "damsels in distress" (gag) by kicking the Pizza Idiot out themselves.
ABC The guys show Peter the door.
Peter puffs up his chest and is all, "You can't fire me — I quit!" He claims that it's his decision to leave, which he is doing on his own terms. Dude, whatever. As the poet Vince Neil once said, "Girl, don't go away mad — just go away."
With the Pizza Idiot gone, Andrew and Brittany are free to continue "exploring" their "relationship," which they do on a nearby daybed. Meanwhile, the clock ticks slowly toward midnight, and we still haven't had the damn rose ceremony yet. Just as Michael is preparing to pack his knives and go, lo and behold, there is some movement on the Paradise steps. Rose lovers, please welcome…
ABC Welcome back, ma'am.
Ohhhh, right. This lady. I don't remember much about her, though a quick google search reminds me that her fiancé died of a drug overdose. So yeah, production just sent in the almost-widow to save the widower from elimination. Michael runs up and gives her a big hug, and then they share a margarita at the bar. Wells, who calls Danielle an "old friend," says that she and Michael have a lot in common. "They're the same person with different genitalia!" he announces. "They should be together."
From your lips to producers' ears, Wells. Should we just skip ahead to the second rose ceremony of the season? Yes, let's.
ABC Finally!
Rose ceremony roll call!
Serene to Brandon
Jill to Jacob
Lace to Rodney
Genevieve to Aaron
Shanae to… Logan!
Victoria to Johnny
Brittany to Andrew
Danielle to Michael
So sorry, James and Justin, but this means your Paradise "journey" is over… until next season.
We interrupt this recap to bring you Jacob's Weekly Moment of Weirdness™:
ABC Something is just blowing Jacob's mind.
The man has been sitting like this for a while, folks. "He's having an epiphany right now!" jokes Victoria. "I think he's stuck," notes Johnny. Could somebody please force-quit Jacob? He's frozen.
Otherwise, the day gets off to a calm start. Danielle gets a date card, so naturally she asks Michael to join her.
ABC Michael and Danielle
This show loves an uncomfortable camera angle.
Though Michael and Danielle have DM'd in the past, they've never met in person. They seem pretty comfortable with each other pretty quickly, and Danielle admits she came to Paradise to meet him. Michael says he's excited to date someone but he's not looking for an engagement at the juncture, which, duh. "I've only said 'I love you' to one person my entire life," he explains, adding that he's looking for someone who makes him a better person. His late wife, for example, was very organized, which helped him organize his own messy ass.
Indeed, Laura's on Michael's mind a lot during this date. "On paper, Danielle and I are a perfect match," he says. "I know what it felt like the first time I met Laura, and… it's not the same that I have with Danielle." The rational side of Michael knows that it's not "fair" to compare every woman he meets to Laura, but he just can't help it.
Michael and Danielle head back to dry land, and over lunch they chat about their struggles with grief and how hard it can be to move on after losing someone. And Danielle's story is truly devastating: She was the one who found her fiancé, and she did CPR trying to save him. "I think for a long time I was searching for someone when I wasn't who I wanted to be yet," she says. Michael agrees, saying that at this point in his life, "I can only be with people that are scarred." Then Danielle quotes some Grace Potter lyrics — "I lit a fire with the love you left behind" — and Michael is brought to tears.
ABC Michael's emotional.
Then they share a kiss — because when in Paradise, do as the Paradisians do.
Back on the beach, everyone is just basking in their contended couple-ness. Johnny says he wants to take Victoria to an amusement park when they leave Paradise, because "they say" the best first date activities are the ones that boost your endorphins. "It's psychology," he explains.
Speaking of psychology, here comes Palmer with some news that is going to send Paradise into an emotional spiral. After gathering everyone in the rose palapa, the host drops the bomb. "Your relationships are now going to be put to the test," he says gravely. "Ladies, you'll be packing your bags, because you're leaving Paradise."
For the next week, the women will be at a "different property" while the men will stay on the beach with some new guests.
ABC Single and shower fresh.
Say hello to Jessenia from Matt's season of The Bachelor, Florence from The Bachelor Australia, and Sarah, Kate, and Eliza from Clayton's season. Immediately, the OG women start to panic. "I'm looking at these five beautiful ladies with fresh, blown-out hair. And I look like wet dog," says Victoria with a sigh. "Today Johnny asked me why I look different, and I told him it was because I'm not wearing make-up. So, it was the wrong day to do that, for sure."
Jesse informs Jill, Genevieve, Shanae, Victoria, Serene, Lace, and Brittany that it's time to go pack. "I know a lot of these girls who are leaving right now ain't coming back to a man," says Brandon.
ABC Brandon knows what's up.
Big facts, bro.
The original women begin the slow trudge back to their room. Genevieve, however, has decided that she would like to be excluded from this narrative. "I'm not staying here. I'm not doing that," she huffs. "Like, no." Serene contemplates asking Brandon to leave with her, and Jill thinks she may have to leave in order to spare her mental health. "They can't give us one good f---ing day," she sobs. Of course not, honey! This is Paradise.
(Quick question: Does Danielle get to stay on the beach, or is someone going to pull her from her date with Michael and ship her off to the hotel, too? We'll probably have to wait until tomorrow to find out.)
As for the men? They're greeting the new women with hugs, a toast to "new beginnings," and shots. Eliza has her eye on Rodney, and vice versa; Jacob seems interested in Sarah; and Logan thinks it might be time to give Shanae a taste of her own Paradise medicine. "I think Shanae knows that she's put me through a lot this week," he says, grinning like the cat who ate the canary. "Part of me knows I really care for Shanae," continues Logan. "And getting even doesn't always mean doing the right thing."
Welp, rose lovers, the split-week chaos has begun. Besides Serene and Brandon, do you think any of the current couples will survive this "test"? Are Michael and Danielle a good match? And why is Victoria so mean about Johnny's surfing skills? He was having fun! Post your thoughts below.
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