You'll Pass Away From Laughing At The 47 Funniest Tweets By Women Last Month (RIP!!!)

Hurry! You will only have these 2 weeks to wear jackets that do nothing

— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) October 22, 2023

When you check the furniture website and the home page says "We are the tellers of a story not commonly told" and it's like okay I guess they're not doing a sale

— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) October 4, 2023

bill nye’s full name is william new years eve

— kim (@KimmyMonte) October 30, 2023

Regularly haunted by my own hubris - tried to set my bf up on a playdate with my coworkers husband because they both “really like bikes.” Anyways, it turns out her husband was in the Tour De France

— C. E. Aubin (@ceaubin) October 25, 2023

Just sold this candle to an elderly woman who immediately asked for scissors,clipped the wick off, then giggled her way out of the store 😂 pic.twitter.com/ZGtkHj7m9q

— Katie (@_ugh_whatnow) October 23, 2023

If i was a girl cat and i saw a boy cat get the zoomies that would be such an ick

— callie actually (@eggshellfriend) October 17, 2023

I love how Dyson’s whole thing is just Air. Like yeah we make the things that suck it in with the dust. And also the things that blow it out for your hair. And also for your hands in the public restroom. Fuck with me

— eliza (@elizamclamb) October 18, 2023

New rejection level unlocked: “we are grateful for the confidence you have demonstrated in sending your work”

— Frances Klein (@fklein907) October 17, 2023

Girls will suffer unearthly tragedies and still run errands the same day with a smile on their face but if a man’s parents divorce when he is 12 he will unleash his wrath on the world for the rest of his life

— Soup (@soupinthering) October 9, 2023

I don’t know why I have a headache??? all I do is look at screens much of the day then go out in the sun for hours then grind my teeth all night

— danielle weisberg for hire (@danielleweisber) October 8, 2023

Men’s love language is telling you facts you already know

— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) October 11, 2023

I been crying laughing for an hour man. My homeboy rents his car out to ppl on Turo, and somebody rented his Camaro from him for 4 days right? They tinted his windows yall LMFAOOOOOO brought his shit back with tinted windows WHY 😭 pic.twitter.com/X9Mb8Pg0yc

— wiz fajita (@trillary_banks_) October 23, 2023

lana del rey just said “isn’t it cool that we’re playing on a full moon tonight” and everyone turned around to look at the moon and it was not full at all

— paige hettinger (@404paigenotfnd) October 2, 2023

*touches his circumcision scar* i’m sorry i couldn’t protect you

— ghost 𖤐 (@ghostcoochie) October 5, 2023

I wish Taylor Swift was in love with a climate scientist

— Katja Herbers (@katjaherbers) October 5, 2023

to do lists are so fun. it’s just “drink water” and “read” followed by a list of everything i’ve ever wanted to achieve since i was 7

— chase (@_chase_____) October 29, 2023

The vet called my 7 yr old dog a “senior” today which is impossible because she’s just a baby?? like… she & i discuss it often abt how she is just a tiny little baby … ??

— Amanda Brooke Perrin (@brookeperrin) October 24, 2023

Family guy is so insane bc why were ppl dating that dog

— Bones• (@boneseyy) October 4, 2023

this box has been sitting in my hallway for *six weeks* and my husband has not asked me what it is, why I haven’t opened it, or if I should ever plan on moving it and this is what it’s like when both partners have ADHD. pic.twitter.com/NMB0ZJQlku

— emily (@emilykmay) October 14, 2023

There was a guy at the set last night who was hooting and hollering and filming the entire thing. As the opener I’m like this is probably just a drunk fan of the headliners. Come to find out it was my HIGH SCHOOL DRUG DEALER who came out to support.. king I will always remember u

— eliza (@elizamclamb) October 17, 2023

Love driving home from TJ Maxx, my car full of $76 worth of absolutely nothing, wolfing down my disgusting little snack mix from a made up company called like “PopFactory Krinkle Snacks Inc” that I found in the same aisle as dog toys

— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 4, 2023

My closest encounter with the mafia is I went to a starkly empty pizza place in Rhode Island once, they seemed utterly confused that I wanted a pizza, it took 45 minutes to make, they gave it to me for free, and it was the best pizza I’d ever had.

— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) October 4, 2023

Last night I was at a very fancy restaurant and I watched a woman casually take a sip of water out of a small vase of roses on the table. Her husband didn’t react at all. I cannot stop thinking about it.

— AlwaysAshley (@AshleyAlready) October 29, 2023

Thinking about how I got my own blood drawn in case I needed it for a transfusion in advance of major surgery, and they didn’t use it so I asked for it back, and the hospital paused before being like, “We don’t do blood doping here.”

— Cora Harrington (@lingerie_addict) October 11, 2023

Oh my god I needed this laugh. This is all a rejected candidate emailed me in response to a form rejection email. I'm trying to decide if I respond earnestly or not. pic.twitter.com/oq7h8eet4U

— Manic Pixie Dream Taco (@QueenofTacos) October 24, 2023

dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”

— Daisy Chandley (@daisychandley) October 22, 2023

and a three point kick is kind of when they gag them a bit

— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) October 2, 2023

Is there any way this country could be victim to a mass gas leak and that is why everyone is acting so deranged

— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) October 2, 2023

Obsessed with this woman on my flight who’s trying to commandeer an entire overhead compartment for “her hats”

— Danielle Perez she/her (@DivaDelux) October 19, 2023

always a fine line between being stoned enough to think a movie is really good and being stoned enough that you can’t stop thinking about how you’re just watching real people pretend to be other people for money

— mar (@itsmariannnna) October 20, 2023

What is this, a neoliberalism simulator? pic.twitter.com/WIGmp1WgEs

— DreamLeaf 🌻 (@DreamLeaf5) October 12, 2023

I (43F) just had my son (17M) tell me, "You'll never appreciate Nirvana like I do," when a video of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" came on You Tube.This is in zero parenting manuals.

— Rachel Hawkins/Erin Sterling (@LadyHawkins) October 12, 2023

(girl who just turned 24 voice) i just think your early 20s are for making mistakes & being a bit crazy. and your mid-20s are where you start getting it all together 😊

— roro, PhD (@fuglibetty) October 12, 2023

Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??

— Elizabeth Goodspeed (@domesticetch) October 19, 2023

Not to be a Halloween Scrooge but I don’t like that everyone uses stencils to carve their pumpkins now. Jack-o-lanterns are supposed to be extremely unimpressive. You should have a vision in your head and then not be able to execute it. That’s what Halloween is all about.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 17, 2023

I ate a sharp chip and you’re laughing. I ate a too sharp chip and hurt the roof of my mouth and you’re laughing

— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) October 9, 2023

thanks to my doctor i now know my number one issue is “transgender person” pic.twitter.com/Y1tPr4hBZ6

— north (@north0fnorth) October 17, 2023

I yawned in the club last night and my homegirl said “don’t piss me off” 😭

— full-snack developer 🇭🇹 (@notdanilu) October 1, 2023

Me, lying in bed, staring at the basket of unfolded laundry that I washed on MONDAY pic.twitter.com/zWXdpbpSYi

— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) October 13, 2023

Last week a patron came into the library and checked out an air fryer. She asked if we had somewhere to use it and we said no. So she took it into the bathroom and COOKED A SALMON in it

— Jez (she/her) (@typesetjez) October 10, 2023

My kid spent the night at his grandparents last night and I just found out he had his grandmother frying chicken for him at 2 o’clock in the morning😒

— A Girl Has No Name (@Nyx_19) October 28, 2023

the “meet me in the restroom” was very forward for a 5th grader but then it makes sense when you find out she’s trying to throw hands

— ashley ray (@theashleyray) October 4, 2023

I am 33 I went to a top school I beat cancer I have overcome countless hardships both personal and professional and once again I am brought to my knees by a mediocre man ignoring my stories it’s time to learn an instrument again

— Chelsea Pope (@chelseathepope) October 28, 2023

me and my 47 alarms pic.twitter.com/RMvftkOWzY

— chase (@_chase_____) October 22, 2023

i love when people are able to introduce me to their grandparents using their insane made-up name in a 100% serious tone, “this is peeps and lolly.”

— emily (@emilykmay) October 30, 2023

for some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing

— limp brittzkit (@Brittymigs) October 29, 2023

Working In Office is soooo degrading why am I biking 3 miles in slacks at 8 am with a jar of beef stew in my backpack

— manic pixie cheese curd, MPH (@tildawhirl) October 17, 2023

Amtrak guy scanned my ticket and I said “how are you” and his response was “only 23 years until retirement”

— rachel (@rachelmillman) October 11, 2023