Dear Coleen: I dumped my friendship group of 30 years because I'm the 'fat one'

Dear Coleen

My confidence is so low that I’ve pulled myself from a group of friends I’ve known for more than 30 years. I feel that one friend in particular is looking at me as “the fat one”.

I’m curvy and have awful 40E breasts, which I hate, and my thyroid medication leads to weight gain.

My friends are all skinny, so when we’re having photos taken, I go at the back. They say they love me but I feel they don’t and just say it.

They can wear anything and look amazing and I feel the odd one out. It’s affected my mental health so badly that I left our WhatsApp group.

When I was approached about this, I explained how I felt. This one friend replied that she didn’t understand my mental health issues and said she felt angry I’d left the group, adding, “You were out having fun on Friday – maybe you need to be around friends who understand you”.

She was referring to me being out with my colleagues.

I was on top of the world after spending an amazing few days with them. I’m a carer in the community and my job
keeps me thinking positively, especially when dealing with palliative care and MND, dementia and Parkinson’s patients. But I get home after a nine-hour shift and go right back to feeling anxious again.

I have a 60th birthday
celebration planned with my friends – a night away, which I’ve paid for – and don’t know whether to go or not.

I’d love your advice.

Coleen says

Well, this friend sounds ­insensitive and dismissive but maybe she’s hurt you left the group, so she’s lashing out a bit.

I think it would be good to think honestly about how much of what you feel is coming from your insecurities and how much is coming from how your friends are treating you.

When you’re feeling really low and anxious, your mind can convince you of anything and you tune into negative thoughts. But just because you think something, doesn’t make it true. Check your thoughts and ask what the facts are. Do your friends make you stand at the back for photos, or do you put yourself there? Have they actually commented on your weight?

You’ve obviously known them for a long time and if they’re good friends, they will listen and support you through it.

Maybe they need educating on mental health but I’m certain your appearance has never been an issue for them – they’re your friends because of who you are.

There’s always one friend you get on best with, so why not sit down with her and have a heart to heart? Then she can talk to the others.

What’s clear is that you need to build your self-esteem. You do amazing work, your patients are grateful for all you do and you have a great bunch of colleagues to socialise with.

That’s all so ­positive and, if you can focus more on the good stuff in your life, you’ll feel more secure. Finally, it’s also perfectly OK to move on from friends. If you don’t want to do the birthday party, why not see your colleagues instead?

Don't miss the latest news from around Scotland and beyond - Sign up to our daily newsletter here.