Dear Richard Madeley: My friend’s teenage daughter is bad-mouthing me – do I tell her mum?

Dear Richard

I have a dear friend I’ve known for about 10 years. Our parenting styles are very different – hers is very free and easy – so our kids haven’t spent that much time together, but we’ve always exchanged cards and gifts at birthdays and Christmas.

Last summer, her youngest daughter (14) turned up at our village gala. My youngest girl (11) had been queuing nearly an hour for a turn on the trampoline with her friends, when (I discovered) my friend’s kid had skipped in front of them. No big deal, I thought; I asked her to move, and she refused, calling me a liar, spitting and swearing. I did mention it to her mum and she was mortified; she admitted she is a nightmare at home too.

A few months afterwards, my youngest started going to the same secondary school as my friend’s girl, and I found out she was speaking badly about me to my daughter and her own friends. I ought to brush this off, but I’m really hurt and embarrassed. At any rate I cannot bring myself to do another card or give a gift to this kid. But it’s nearing her 15th birthday and, if I don’t give her anything, I’ll have to explain how I feel to her mum, and the daughter will probably just take it out on us all some other way. What should I do?

— Rachel, Worcs

Dear Rachel

What should you do? Step up to and into your role in all this silly nonsense. Which is to be the grown-up in the room. It’s absurd for you to find yourself in a stand-off with a 15-year-old, Rachel. (And not even 15, yet!) Sure, she’s obviously a handful – but that’s another way of saying she’s troubled. So what if she’s bad-mouthing you in the classroom? She’s just a kid. If she were a teacher slandering you in the staffroom, then fine, you’d have every right to seek redress. But I repeat: she’s an adolescent – slap-bang in the thick of adolescence, too. I realise she’s being a pain, but you can afford to cut her some slack. I repeat: you’re the grown-up here.

My prescription? Coals of fire. Buy your ‘dear friend’s’ daughter a really nice 15th birthday present. Write her a lovely card, too. Confound her opinion of you. To be blunt, guilt-trip her.

I realise this may seem somewhat counterintuitive, but I’m pretty sure it will resolve the problem. Whatever you do, don’t complain about this girl to her mother. That will add to the distress she must be feeling, and give the daughter more fuel to throw on the fire. Be the wise, forgiving one in this minor drama, Rachel. I promise it’ll pay dividends.

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