Five Guys a Week, review: irresistibly voyeuristic dating show adheres perfectly to lockdown rules

Entirely by accident, Five Guys a Week (Channel 4) followed the government’s current coronavirus guidelines. When a woman invited five men to live with her, they formed a social bubble according to the “Rule of Six”. It might have been filmed before lockdown but that’s what we call responsible public service broadcasting.

Back for a second series already after a promising debut this spring, this irresistibly voyeuristic dating show sets out to fast-track the courtship process with its reality-style premise. Each episode, a single woman chooses a quintet of potential suitors to stay in her home for a week - all at the same time. Each morning, she must ask one of them to leave, whittling them down to the last man standing. Will he be her perfect match?

The first intrepid (or would it be foolhardy?) female was Tara, a 32-year-old business consultant from Halifax. Nearly all her friends were married, whereas the most serious relationship in her own love-life was with Kaiser - her nine-year-old German shepherd.

Top of Tara’s list of desirable qualities was a man who makes her laugh. She had high hopes that Peter Kay lookalike Lou would fit the bill. Arriving with a suitcase packed by his mother (including frog-shaped bath sponge and a cushion with his face printed on it), the chirpy haulage driver made a good first impression - and endless cups of tea, which went down equally well.

Essex-based photographer Chris claimed to love a northern accent and had driven 255 miles with a home-made chocolate tart in the boot - kept on a bed of ice to stop it melting. He also approved of northern dietary habits, noting: “There’s less vegans up here.”

They were joined by handsome-but-knows-it single father Kris, muscle-flexing oven cleaner Michael and shopping centre boss Adam. Mildly flirtatious banter flowed but it was only when Adam explained how cerebral palsy has affected his confidence that Tara began to open up about her own insecurities.

“I’m in a niche market,” deadpanned Adam. “A good-looking disabled person is a bit like being a fit ginger.” When he turned out to be terrified of Kaiser, though, it proved a doggy deal-breaker. He was harshly sent home first.

Chris didn’t approve of the candid conversation. “Group therapy’s not my thing,” he grumbled. “I’m dying of cringe. Cringe-ola.” For goodness sake, man, you’re 37. He didn’t approve of tattoos either - which was awkward because Tara turned out to have a huge one on her thigh. Like a sort of repressed Alan Partridge, he was strangely obsessed with motorways. Which was handy because he was soon hitting the road.

This was Come Dine with Me meets The Apprentice, meaning there was plenty of posturing as the men jockeyed for position and kept a jealous eye on the competition. When Kris monopolised Tara’s attention, Michael cracked, lifted her up and carried her away, despite Tara making her discomfort clear. It was deeply inappropriate. A moment of madness for which Michael paid dearly. Tara, understandably, concluded he was laddish and controlling, so he was next for the heave-ho.

That left Kris and Lou joining her for the climactic candle-lit dinner - for three. Lou wasn’t impressed by the avocado starter. “It tastes of muck,” he decided. “Put it back in its shell.” When Tara had to eliminate the runner-up and select her favourite, it came down to an agonising choice between her head and heart. I found myself groaning with despair as she opted for smouldering Kris over lovely, funny Lou.

Yet there was still time for a late plot twist. Kris snogged Tara and stayed the night but their relationship never took off - so she invited Lou round for Sunday lunch instead. He’d described himself as a “slow-burner” and so it proved. The tortoise had beaten the haircut. A happy ending after all, even if Kaiser did chew up Lou’s love cushion.

Five Guys a Week is a cheesy, slightly bonkers format but an oddly addictive one. Indeed, dating shows are among the most innovative factual programming on-air right now. From Naked Attraction to Flirty Dancing, from Married at First Sight to Love is Blind, TV romance is forever coming up with fresh formats.

This one combined social comedy with “totes emosh” moments, as Tara called them. It was soapy, pacy and enjoyably trashy.