Football transfer rumours: Sevilla or Atlético Madrid in for Alexis Sánchez?

Following the brutal murder of lovable pensioner, Claudio Ranieri, Leicester City are in talks with pensioner, Roy Hodgson, about becoming their next manager. This is no great surprise: Hodgson did, after all, do every bit as appalling a job with England as Ranieri did with Greece, further garnishing his record with entitlement and indignance. In response, canny bookmakers are expected to install the club as favourites for the Champions League; not for them callous indifference to work done at Malmö and Halmstads. As Roy Hodgson once said of Roy Hodgson, “Of course, my track record, if people bothered to study it, would put me in the same category as Ferguson enjoys today, but people don’t talk about what I’ve done outside England”. Shame, shame.

Meanwhile, Hodgson favourite Daniel Sturridge appears to be on his way out of Anfield. Most recently, he has suffered with a virus, but in general is not considered reliable; to remedy the situation, he is planning to take responsibility and pray harder. Nor is he the only player likely to be leaving: Lucas Leiva is out of contract – his total lack of suitability to play centre-back might tempt Pep Guardiola – while Alberto Moreno’s Liverpudlian look has alerted Tranmere Rovers Reserves. And finally, Emre Can is also headed for the exit, at which he is expected to arrive sometime in 2018.

Across Stanley Park, the youthfully resurgent Everton are keen to further revitalise their squad with the purchase of the famously youthful and famously resurgent Wayne Rooney. Should they fail to attract him from Manchester United, they will turn their attention to the ghost of Dixie Dean.

As for United, they are also expected to busy themselves in the summer transfer window, keen to sign the world’s most expensive youngsters for José Mourinho to bring through. They almost bought Benfica’s Victor Lindelöf in January, and will return with a bid in July, but might now face competition from Manchester City. City, for their part, expect Europe’s biggest clubs to bid for Sergio Agüero, though will insist on receiving a near-world record fee, on the basis that their manager has left him out of his team wherever possible and replaced him as soon as possible.

Elsewhere, Alexis Sánchez has finally had enough of Arsenal. Season after season of invertebrate incompetence he can handle, for a fee – say £200,000 a week. But spooky dog banners appear to have pushed him over the edge, and he’ll now seek a move this summer. Favourites to secure his services are Sevilla, who are managed by his former national team manager and all-round buff piranha, Jorge Sampaoli, but Atlético Madrid will also offer if they can arrange the cutting of their transfer ban from two windows to one.

Also in London, Chelsea are getting busy – Antonio Conte, still something of a dinosaur, remains unconvinced of Michy Batshuayi’s striking ability, despite his excellent Twitter game. And Diego Costa might also leave Stamford Bridge, in order to move to China, where he has been offered a salary of £38m a year. This is sure to antagonise those affronted by the crude and unprecedented use of financial muscle to build football teams. To head-off the potential losses, Chelsea have submitted a bid of £34m for Real Madrid’s Álvaro Morata – or Moratz, as he’s known in the dressing room.