The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (Jan. 12-18)

Let's get married & have kids so instead of watching TV Sunday night you can research Plymouth Rock while I go buy a tri-fold poster board.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 13, 2019

The most impressive thing about having parented 4 children is the number of songs you’ve made up about pooping.

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) January 13, 2019

The funny thing about being a parent is when you go out, people asks where your child is

I just started telling people he’s out back shooting dice

— Elderly Millenial (@IModelontheWknd) January 13, 2019

I live in fear of the things I may have agreed to while absent-mindedly saying “uh-huh” to my kids.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 12, 2019

If you have 17 screens to watch in your house and you enjoy listening to people fight over one of them, then parenting is right for you.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 13, 2019

Me: The broth in this beef stew I made is really good.

Son: Slowly squeezes ketchup into stew without breaking eye contact.

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) January 15, 2019

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 15, 2019

I’ve never vacationed alone but I did get to go to the grocery store without my kids one time.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 15, 2019

My daughter, who I grew from scratch in my own body, saw me wearing my new boots and said, "No. Hideous. Either they go, or I go."

Don't pressure me. I'm still deciding.

— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) January 14, 2019

3yo: *chucks meatloaf across the table and hits me in the forehead*
Me, serious face: That’s not acceptable, we don’t throw food.

3yo: *big grin*

Me, VERY serious face: Nope, nobody is impressed. Don’t do that.

Me: *texting wife under the table* THAT WAS HELLA IMPRESSIVE THO

— Dave Learns Dadding (@DaveLearnsToDad) January 15, 2019

Sometimes your kid loses a tooth right before bedtime and the tooth fairy has to decide whether she’s gonna be delayed a day or leave a mind blowing 20 dollar bill because she can't make change

— The Dad (@thedad) January 17, 2019

“Chopped” with all-kid panel of judges:

KID 1: [starts crying] ALL THE FOODS ARE TOUCHING

KID 2: [dumps food on floor] i wanted it on the blue plate

KID 3: [whispers] too spicy *spits it out*

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) January 15, 2019

*8yo pauses video game, takes sip of juice box, finishes bowl of chips*

8yo: Dad, can I have more?

Me: Not right now.

8yo: You never let me have anything!

*storms into bedroom, kicks off sneakers, turns on Death Star lamp, picks up iPad, puts on headphones, lies on bed*

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 17, 2019

Kids are great because they will point out your gray hair and then ask you what's for dinner.

— Little Miss Angry (@LittleMissAngr1) January 16, 2019

I never underestimate my preschooler’s ability to ask “why” and then condescendingly disagree with my answer.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 18, 2019

When my 3yo smiled when being given the spoon to mix the ingredients, I thought to myself, “Why don’t we do this more often?” When he sneezed directly into the mixture, I was reminded why we don’t do this.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 17, 2019

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 14, 2019

6-year-old: Make a wish.

Me: I wish you'd go to bed.

6: Make a better wish.

Me: I wish you'd go to bed fast.

6: This is why grown-ups don't get wishes.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2019

Recipe for Inevitable Toddler Meltdown

2 parts missed nap
1 part wrong cup color
1 part “lost” whistle
A dash of dead iPad

Marinate until 4pm

Serve inconsolable until bedtime

— Accidental Super Mom (@AcciSuperMom) January 16, 2019

People find moms with foul mouths endearing, right?

You better fucking say yes.

— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) January 15, 2019