My January Dad Bod Challenge: Can I eat my way to weight loss?

Somehow, despite a lifetime of irresponsibly chucking things into my mouth with wild abandon, I made it to the age of 41 without ever going on a diet – not properly anyway. OK, I tried a week of veganism once for a piece I was writing (it didn’t take) – but apart from that, my daily menu has always been unshackled and deregulated.

My 20s were fuelled by chips and Red Bull, my 30s by hamburgers and Pepsi – and I maintained my glorious size 10 body through a dedication to chainsmoking. Then I hit my 40s, and the fags went in the bin, a couple of nippers gatecrashed my Garden of Earthly Delights, and through a mixture of sleep deprivation and simmering parental panic, I developed an ungodly appetite the size of a house. And I did, thusly, balloon a bit.   

Hence, fair to say, it was only a matter of time before getting my bikini body back would become my white whale. My obsession. My reason for clumsily dragging myself off the beanbag and stumbling to the kitchen to try out one of these so-called “diets”. (Unfortunately these days, smoking the weight off isn’t really an option – apparently it gives you bad teeth, bad breath, and is no damn good for you.)

My January Dad Bod Challenge – to lose a stone in one month – is proving the catalyst for this change.

“You’ve got quite a lot of fat around your organs,” says nutritionist Rebecca Pilkington, examining the results from my weigh-in at her Bond Street office. “Not enough to worry unduly about, but a new way of eating will definitely help to reduce it.”

“How?” I ask, probingly.

“It will reprogram how you approach food,” she tells me. “It only takes a few tweaks to get you on a better, healthier path.”

In this case, my “better path” would be strewn with vegetables and quinoa, and flax seeds and herbs ground without mercy until they’re a tasty powder. And also with Omega 3 Fish Oil, which promises to improve my heart, brain, joints, and skin.

Sounds good. I’ll have some of that.

How has the diet been going?

The first two weeks of my Dad Bod challenge were spent following the gospel according to Slimming World, while I reacquainted myself with that long lost enemy: exercise. No unnecessary sugar, butter, no false prophets, but also no real fun, and after a fortnight, I could feel the heavy fog clouds gathering overhead – the slump was on its way. My soul was stricken with an immovable sense of ennui about foregoing everything I love in life.

Mealtimes were consuming me (oh the irony!), I became jealous of my three-year old’s simplistic teatime treats, and I’d begun watching pig-out cookery shows on TV just to taunt myself. With barely 12 days etched onto my prison wall, the heady thrill of my voluntary abstinence was wearing off. It was time to act; to talk to a professional, and to rewire my brain, rediscover my mojo, relight my fire, and find some direction.

“Are you happy to take some supplements?” continues Rebecca. I say I am.

“We’re going to cut gluten and dairy out of your diet,” she adds.

I nod, and burst into tears on the inside.

“You’ll need to drink three litres of water each day,” she tells me.

My bladder slams its fist on the table.

“And ideally you won’t drink any alcohol at all.”

My liver takes off its overcoat.

And thus, the plan was set. After two weeks of DIY dieting and exercise – during which time I'd lost 7lbs – my body was now to be coerced further from its natural state, and transformed into a well-oiled machine. This was to be the real beginning, my Year Dot – I was no longer just a man on a mission losing a bit more weight, I was to be reborn, like an emerging Christ into a whole new way of living. I was a steamboat chugging towards the sunset, crowned by a spectacular rainbow of mostly-green vegetables.

God I was hungry.

Week Three

(For Josh's Week One results, see here; and for Week Two see here.)

Weight on January 1

14stone 6lbs

Weight at the start of Week Three

13st 13lbs

Time Spent Exercising

160 minutes

Day by day

Thursday: In accordance to my fitness schedule I’m due to have a jog around the park, but it’s too muddy for my delicate tastes, so I hit the treadmill instead. I grunt my way to 6km with a 1980s Madonna soundtrack playing on my iPhone. Like a Prayer is unbelievably uplifting.

Friday: My son’s birthday, so no exercise for me today, I’m going to be FUN DAD. At 1pm FUN DAD orders a salad in a hamburger restaurant, at 3pm FUN DAD refuses to have any cake. Happy Birthday, son.

Saturday: Where my Saturday mornings used to be spent scrubbing my tongue and weeping into a bacon sandwich, now I’m up with the lark, sprinting up hills while the sun rises. I feel like The Karate Kid.

Sunday: Big, day today, the start of my even healthier new diet. An expensive shipment arrives from Planet Ocado, delivered straight to my front door, looking greener than a field of finest marijuana. Just looking at it makes me lose weight.

Monday:Another round of circuits in the park, ruined momentarily by a massive dog running off with my sweatshirt. Unperturbed by the thoughtless hound, I soldier on. All my meals are green.

Tuesday: 30-minute swim, and I’m shocked to find that rather than splashing around like a drowning man, I now glide along like Thorpedo. For tea I put chicken in a blender and make healthy burgers.

Wednesday: Big run in the park. I then shave my beard off and trim my hair right down, convinced that it’ll take another couple of pounds out of the equation. The downside is that my son may not recognise me anymore.

Diet

A morning “flush” of warm water with lemon and ginger, followed by no gluten, no dairy, regular protein, lots of veg, and “complex carbohydrates” like sweet potato, brown rice and quinoa. Also, tinned sardines, which are amazing.

Happiness rating (1-10)

5/10. An up and down week. I was starting to tire, but a visit to the nutritionist invigorated my quest.

Worst decision of the week

Too much powdered cinnamon on a bowl of oats. I have only just stopped coughing.

Weight lost this week

Once again, for the second week running, I’ve lost 5lbs. I’m now clocking in at a svelte and sexy 13stone 8lbs

Weight lost in total so far

12lbs. I am officially 2lbs away from my January target. Tune in next week to find out if I beat it...

Josh is providing updates on his January Dad Bod challenge every Thursday this month