How to make it through life, a guide by Stevie Martin and Tessa Coates

Have you heard of the podcast 'Nobody Panic'? If not, I would like you to go to your podcast app and subscribe to it right this second. Trust me, you’ll love it.

Nobody Panic (formerly The Debrief podcast) is a podcast hosted by comedians Stevie Martin and Tessa Coates and attempts to answer the age-old question of how you can become a fully-functioning adult.

Witty, smart and oh so relatable, listening to Martin and Coates is like catching up with your old friends over a couple of gin and tonics once a week.

It’s been a busy year for Martin and Coates and is about to get busier – as both women had their own shows during the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in August; Tessa Coates: Witch Hunt and Stevie Martin: Vol. 1.

Before they headed north, the Standard caught up with the pair to see how they navigate life's biggest head scratchers, from moving in with a partner to networking when you're shy...

How can you save for a house when all you really want is to buy avocado toast for brunch?

S: Buy your avocados from Lidl and have brunch round your flat. Then save money every month and if it looks like you won’t be able to buy a house even when you do that, just keep renting and tell everyone you’ve bought it. Literally nobody will find out, provided you say “ugh mortgages” a lot before you’re about to move in.

T: This avocado thing is absolutely nonsense. Don't listen to those articles, we live in a new era, a Wild West of house prices. No one can do it who hasn't inherited the money or won the lottery so forget about trying, enjoy your brunch and go on another wonderful holiday with the cheap travel the baby boomers couldn't have dreamed of and make some memories.

What should you do when you’re trying to be environmentally conscious but always forget to take your Sainsbury’s bag with you to the supermarket?

S: Oh my god I don’t know. I forget to take a bag every time and have to essentially dribble jars down the street with both hands clutching bags of fruit and tubs of mayo on my head.

T: Oh yes. I never remember any of the 800 tote bags that live in my kitchen but I never give in to buying a bag and at the till they have to help weight me down and then I teeter off and they shout 'good luck!'

What should you do when you're in too many WhatsApp groups and you don’t even know what to reply to anymore?

S: Yesterday a friend left a group saying “I’m trying to get off social media, text me if you need anything and love you all”. Nobody questioned it, even though WhatsApp isn’t social media. It was classy.

T: I want to leave so many but I'm also incredibly nosey so remain like a silent Peeping Tom, taking but never giving. I'm the worst.

What is the best way to make sure you’re always excelling at work even when you’ve had one too many drinks the night before?

S: If anyone knows how to do this, please let me know. I’ve found it useful to never organise early meetings when I see “LAURENS BDAY WOOO” written in my diary the night before. Because Lauren is a total weapon. Otherwise probably just keep it balanced and don’t beat yourself up for having fun. Nobody ever looked back and regretted the fact they had fun. Just make sure you actually do work before you go out. Earn it!

T: I find if you've already set your bar in the work place as being 'quite mad', then no one really questions when you wear your sunglasses inside during the day or fall asleep sat bolt upright at your desk.

What should you do when you want to cook a healthy meal but by the time you get back from work and the gym you’re shattered and all you want to eat are hot chips?

S: Oh I know this one! Always have emergency microwaveable ready meals that are marginally better than hot chips in your fridge. Iceland have some that aren’t dreadful and a lot that are dreadful.

T: Don't know, never managed it. The fish and chip shop at the end of my road greet me like an old friend.

Is quitting sugar the secret to life?

S: No. I tried quitting when I started pacing up and down like an addict if I didn’t have something sweet after dinner and while it definitely gave me more energy, don’t be Victoria Beckham having a watermelon for a birthday cake. Just eat way less of it than you invariably are doing. Don’t quit anything! Except smoking and murder.

T: Victoria Beckham had a watermelon for a birthday cake? What a square. It's probably good for you, but don't get all puritanical on yourself, life is hard enough as it is without wearing a hair shirt and pretending a nut is a treat.

How can shy people attempt to network?

S: Pretend to be a confident person and practice!

T: Yes I stand by that. No one is confident, they're all just copying something they saw someone else do. Next time you see someone do or say something that made them look like both a nice person and fly AF, commit it to memory and try it out (sometime later in a different setting, not immediately afterwards).

What’s the best way to be single in London?

S: I am dreadful at being single but I was happiest when I did something fun in my spare time and filled my nights with cool stuff to look forward to.

T: I suggest going on a lot of holidays and doing the kind of wild living coupled up people could only dream of. Make bad choices, stay out too late, wear more glitter.

How do you know when you’re ready to move in with your partner?

S: When it doesn’t feel like a massive gamble. If it feels like a gamble and the phrase “it could go either way” pops into your mind, leave it a bit longer.

T: Oh god no idea. When you've got enough money for two separate bedrooms I reckon.

What do you do when you want to wear a high-cut swimsuit but can only afford one bikini wax per year?

S: WEAR BIG VICTORIAN SWIMSUITS. The stripy ones. Or do sensitive hair removal cream but, forgive my frankness, don’t get it up you.

T: Don't use those creams. Real talk. Don't do it. That is a minimum two person job and nobody has that good friends. I say forget the swimsuit and go nude.

What do you do when all of your friends are moving in together and getting married and you’re single?

S: We have an episode with Dolly Alderton talking about this very thing so you’ll just have to listen to that... (you can listen to this episode here).

What do you do when all you want to do is lie on the couch and drink rosé but Instagram is telling you to ‘be your best self’ and that Beyonce has as many hours in the day as you?

S: Oh my god, Instagram can do one. Get rid of everyone on your feed who makes you feel like you need to live your best self and fill it with dogs. I’d argue that lying on the coach drinking rosé is being your best self and, sure, Beyoncé has the same amount of hours as you but she did a whole album about her husband cheating. Beyoncé isn’t always slayin’. Sometimes she’s havin’ a little cry, so you can too.

T: *Sigh* For a long time I just point blank refused to believe that Jay-Z cheated on Beyoncé. It was a difficult time for Stevie, who kept showing me the mounting evidence and I would just shake my head and say that's impossible. I'm open to the idea that it might be true now. Abandoning all social media is the only way to get through the day. And for heavens sake get on that couch and have another rosé.

Nobody Panic is available to download on Acast and iTunes now. acast.com/nobodypanic