London's 23 wildest nights out EVER

1. Kate Moss’s The Beautiful and the Damned-themed 30th 16 January 2004

What better place to start could there be than with La Moss: host of more debauched birthday parties than Romford High Street on any given Saturday. Worth mentioning are the four days of medieval-themed mayhem in honour of her 35th, a Bowie-inspired 42nd and her 21st at the Viper Room in Los Angeles. None of these occasions, though, is as notorious as the Claridge’s bash celebrating her three decades on the planet. Chris Martin and Gwynnie left early because it was getting too wild. Ronnie Wood fell off the wagon. And then, if the tabloids are to be believed, there was an in-keeping-with-the-theme orgy. ‘One of the most eager participants in these fevered goings on is a woman who is a household name in Britain,’ gasped the Daily Mail. ‘She is having sex with a man who is neither husband… nor regular partner.’ Imagine!

2. Virginia Woolf’s Bright Young Things party February 1925

Bloomsbury didn’t know what hit it… and neither did the outside world. Behind the door of 50 Gordon Square, gays, lesbians and bisexuals could freely enjoy one another’s company, thanks to their hosts Woolf and her sister-in-law Karin. And all at a time when a young man could face prison time for carrying a powder compact in his pocket.

3. Bloomberg’s Seven Deadly Sins Christmas do December 2000

Thought The Wolf of Wall Street wasn’t realistic? You should have been at what the tabloids called ‘the ultimate office party’ (puke), which cost £1m, was staffed by 600 people and featured drag queens, a trough of truffles, massage tables, a 25ft bed covered in purple satin and entertainers strolling around with wads of cash shouting, ‘Money, ain’t it gorgeous?’ Really, though… a trough?

4. Four Weddings and a Funeral premiere May 1994

On the invitation, Richard Curtis encouraged his guests to dust off and wear their own wedding finery. Many did. But the girlfriend of his lead actor very much did not: going instead for a Versace dress that invented the phrase ‘THAT dress’ and broke the internet about 345 years before the internet even existed. ‘Sexy Elizabeth Hurley couldn’t have looked less like a blushing bride,’ sleazed then-gossip columnist at The Sun, Andy Coulson, who was later jailed on phone hacking charges. Meanwhile, ‘Parklife’ had just come out. Oasis’s ‘Live Forever’ was on the way. Good times… apart from the fact that Wet Wet Wet were also about to release the film’s theme song, which would become the third-biggest-selling single of the Nineties and bore everyone — including Wet Wet Wet — absolutely senseless.

5. The launch of Shoom November 1987

Taking place at an abandoned gym in Southwark, the most potent refreshments on sale at Danny Rampling’s night — and arguably the capital’s first-ever rave — was Lucozade from the vending machines. It mattered little though, for by this time the acid house attendees were more than familiar with an… alternative line in refreshments. All the clubs in the West End shut at 3am, but for Rampling, just back from a revelatory first trip to Ibiza, that was not late enough. At the gym he could go until 5am officially. And often after that first night…

6. The Beatles’ Apple Boutique opening May 1968

Depending on how cynical you are, The Beatles’ rainbow-coloured Baker Street store was either ‘a beautiful place where beautiful people can buy beautiful things’ (Paul McCartney) or a tax write-off (the highest rate of income tax was 90 per cent at the time). Though it was well attended by other celebrities (Jack Bruce, Cilla Black, Eric Clapton), Beatle-wise only John and George (ie the cool ones) turned up: the former having designed invites that read: ‘Come at 7.46. Fashion show at 8.16.’ The store closed less than a year later, which is unsurprising. I mean, who ever thought something called ‘The Apple Store’ would be a success?

7. Mick Jagger’s 25th birthday August 1968

He might have been on holiday for the opening of his own band’s shop, but Paul McCartney was not going to miss the birthday of the singer in The Beatles’ fiercest rivals. Tony Sanchez’s Tottenham Court Road basement club, Vesuvio, was packed with all the models, musicians, movers and shakers you’d expect for such an occasion. An excited not-yet-Sir Mick arrived bearing the acetate of the Stones’ forthcoming Beggars Banquet album for everyone to hear. Which they did, until a pesky Beatle pulled the ultimate ‘hold my beer’ move with an also-just-completed single called ‘Hey Jude’. The DJ put it on once, then twice, then a third time to an increasingly delirious reaction from the assembled throng. Increasingly delirious, that is, apart from one person who looked decidedly miffed.

8. Henry VIII’s coronation June 1509

Well, it was never going to be a quiet one, was it? Particularly when there were so many previous coronations — Edward I, for example, ordered 22,460 chickens for his — that needed upstaging. The most notable detail of big Henry’s is perhaps the fact that he had servants crawling underneath the tables to assist the ladies present in urinating when required: quite the feminist slay for a guy who had a third of his wives beheaded.

9. Fred Again at Boiler Room July 2022

‘He’s too posh!’ screeched commentators who weren’t there. ‘We don’t give a shit!’ replied those who were — and a lot, lot more around the world — as this set quickly became the most raved about in Boiler Room history and made Frederick John Philip Gibson a star. Less than a year later, he would be playing to a Saturday-night Glastonbury crowd that dwarfed that of Guns N’ Roses headline show at the same time on the Pyramid stage.

10. The opening of Freeze July 1988

At which, in an empty Port Authority building in Surrey Quays, 16 Goldsmiths students headed up by one Damien Hirst announced themselves to the world. Mat Collishaw had been up for three days before the party even started finishing off his own installation for the show, Bullet Hole, which, if you haven’t seen it, looks a bit like a… oh, you do know. The art world — and in particular the London art world — would never be the same again.

11. David Bowie’s Ziggy aftershow July 1973

Half of Bowie’s band didn’t even know that their leader was about to retire his alter ego, Ziggy Stardust — ‘This is the last show we’ll ever play’ — on stage at the Hammersmith Odeon. That said, they and Ziggy — though mainly Ziggy — did get one hell of a leaving do at Regent Street’s Café Royal where the standard issue rock ’n’ roll icon types were joined by Barbra Streisand, Tony Curtis, Janet Leigh, Britt Ekland and Ryan O’Neal. Oh, and Angie Bowie and Bianca Jagger, who were spotted snogging.

12. Admiral Edward Russell’s cocktail party September 1694

One hopes that one of his officers bought the First Lord of the Admiralty a ‘World’s Greatest Boss’ mug after the bash he threw in his garden for them. He did, after all, drain his fountain and fill it with 250 gallons of brandy and 125 gallons of Malaga wine, which took his guests a week to drink. When it rained, Ed simply had a silk canopy erected so that the alcohol didn’t get watered down. He had just deposed a king, so probably fair enough.

13. The Mozart Party April 1930

If you thought nostalgia and fancy dress were modern inventions, you’d be wrong. Thrown to mark Mozart’s 1764 visit to the capital, this understated affair cost £3,000 — around £180,000 or your weekly Waitrose shop in 2023 money — and had, according to Tatler, ‘nearly everyone in 18th-century white wigs’ (which you could probably say about every party ever featured in Tatler). It also pioneered another party tradition: that of poshos staggering out into the morning light and annoying the shit out of early morning labourers. Like say, photographer Cecil Beaton manhandling a pneumatic drill.

14. Tara Palmer-Tomkinson’s 27th birthday at Tramp December 1998

‘It’s lucky they didn’t have camera phones back in those days at Tramp,’ mused Sir Rod Stewart, ‘otherwise we’d all be in prison.’ Some, however, made full use of the paparazzi flashes: not least belle of the ball, the late Tara P-T, who turned up on top of an Aston Martin… in a snorkel and bikini, presaging the influencer age as she went.

15. Aristotle Onassis’s surprise for Maria Callas June 1959

You want aggressive generosity? The modestly named Aristotle Socrates Onassis has got it… if you happen to be the world’s greatest opera singer. Having been seated next to Maria Callas at a party in Venice, he had the entire Dorchester ballroom decked out in orchid pink and stuffed it full of roses. He invited 160 guests — among them Sir Winston Churchill — and when Callas told him she liked tangos, he slipped the band a 50 and had them play tangos until 3am. After all of which, ‘I think we’re probably better off as friends?’ was unlikely to cut it. Best to instead embark on what many have called ‘the great romance of the 20th century’.

16. Jay-Z and Kanye’s Watch the Throne tour after-party May 2012

Ahhh, RiRi. Who else would, the morning after Jay-Z and Kanye’s late-running DSTRKT do to mark the end of their joint tour, miss their flight and then post: ‘U know life is great when u wake up at 9am DRUNK!!!!!’? And then follow it up with, ‘You know it was a good night when u wake up n run to your BFF’s room like… How did I get in my bed? Did I walk? Stumble? Get carried?’

17. The Downing Street partygate bashes Throughout most of 2020

Sorry, we meant ‘work events’. What do you mean you’ve never wheeled a suitcase full of booze to your quarterly sales meeting?

18. Sir Elton John’s 50th April 1997

There’s an entire section on Sir Elton’s website exhaustively documenting his various birthday parties, year by year, through the ages. And goodness, there have been some lavish ones. But none quite so lavish as his half-a-century celebration at Hammersmith Palais, for which he arrived in a three-foot-tall wig dressed as Louis XIV, topped with a miniature Spanish warship with a working cannon. Clearly someone hadn’t thought the transportation to the event through, however, as the costume necessitated its man of the hour arriving… by lorry: and a lorry which, of course, got stuck in traffic. Still, if ever there were an occasion for which to be fashionably late…

19. Opening of Club Parisienne at Café de Paris March 1986

‘How do you think it’s going?’ ‘Okay, I think: I mean, Andy Warhol is over there chatting to Tina Turner. Oh, now he’s dancing with Isabella Blow… and Mickey Rourke and Bowie should be turning up soon.’ ‘Great. Now get back behind the bar and serve them all some drinks so they come back.’

20. The Thames Tunnel banquet November 1827

Described at the time as ‘a most interesting occurrence’ by the Evening Standard, French engineer Marc Brunel probably felt he deserved a party, given that it would go on to take 18 years, rather than his predicted three, to realise his vision of digging the world’s first under-river tunnel. His creation would go on to be not as useful as hoped, only ever being accessible by foot and, soon after its opening, becoming a refuse for criminals and prostitutes. Before all that though, long before it opened, said ‘most interesting occurrence’ occurred with a lavish dinner for 50, soundtracked by the Coldstream Guards, who no doubt enjoyed some quite fabulous acoustics.

21. Dirtbox opening March 1982

Hosted in an old West Indian drinking den above an Earl’s Court chemist, Dirtbox can lay claim to being the capital’s first warehouse party. As death-trappy as its interior may have seemed, by the following year it had become one of four nights that defined what The Face called ‘The New London Weekend’. Imitators soon sprung up in its wake all over the capital and still are. You’ve probably been to at least one this month, no?

22. Yousof Mazandi’s freedom party May 1982

As excuses for a party go, escaping the Iranian Revolution is not a bad one. Having done just that, Mrs Mazandi decided to throw open the doors of her Belgravia home and get to know the English aristocracy, who were not used to the decadent, dancing-on-tables affair she offered. Photographer Daffyd Jones, who took a quite spectacular photo of Lord Newall lying under a limbo dancer (as well as this week’s cover image), recalls Nigel Dempster silencing the room by shouting, ‘If only the Ayatollah could see us now!’

23. The illegal under-bridge rave the cops couldn’t shut down July 2023

The police came, saw… and couldn’t do a damn thing because of a legal loophole. Another is soon planned, so it would spoil the fun to reveal precisely which bridge, but just take it as a glorious sign that London is still finding new, wonderful ways to dance into the small hours… despite the best efforts of the guys in entry 17.