Yahoo News Love in the time of coronavirus: how to ensure your relationships survive
As social distancing and the likelihood of further lockdowns increases, many of us are now living full-time with our partners, family or friends. Here, relationship coach and the author of the Relate guide, Stop Arguing, Start Talking, Susan Quilliam, shares her advice for supporting each other to help our relationships survive… and even thrive.
Love yourself
"Firstly, it’s important to take care of yourself practically. Follow the official advice from trusted resources like Nhs.uk and Who.int to keep yourself safe and healthy.
"Beyond that, it’s important to look after your mental health and keep yourself calm. Write a list of the things that work for you - whether that’s only checking the news once or twice a day, doing meditation, working in the garden or catching up with a favourite boxset – and share it with your partner or friend so they can help when needed. Even if one person does it, it can have a positive effect on the whole household.
"That said, if you do feel emotional, don’t push that down. Let your fear motivate you to reach out to someone who will listen. Let your worry encourage you to take positive action to protect the ones you love. Above all, forgive yourself. Remember that most people alive today have never been under this much stress for such an extended period of time, so if you feel strongly, it’s entirely normal."
Love each other
"Kindness is key for getting through the strange time we all find ourselves in. Doing little things for each other at home and for the others in your life, where possible (such as phoning a friend who lives on their own, donating to a charity, or shopping for an elderly neighbour) will help to counterbalance our own very natural tendency to withdraw in times of distress and help us to feel connected."
Keep communicating
"We all react to times of crisis in our own individual ways. So, if your partner or friend seems more anxious than usual, be patient.
"Open up the communication and be aware that what your loved one needs right now isn’t necessarily the same as what you would need, and vice versa. Try to understand those you love by listening to their feelings and acknowledging them – don’t simply tell them to ‘buck up’, as they’re less likely to confide in you again when they’re feeling vulnerable.
"Allow those around you to understand how you are feeling, too, by explaining clearly and calmly. If it helps, write it down."
Set a routine (but don’t stick to it rigidly)
"A daily routine can be hugely helpful in keeping a sense of normality, especially things as simple as getting dressed, making the bed and setting up a home office for the day. It’s good for everyone’s sense of esteem.
"Of course, life is also very different from how it was before the virus, so be prepared to re-negotiate and set new routines around things like household chores and looking after any children who are staying home from school.
"Unfortunately, relentless routine can also be horribly dull, too, so find ways of introducing a little variety into your daily life - whether that’s taking up a new hobby each, watching films you’ve never seen or discussing topics that you haven’t never talked about before over dinner – no matter how tiny. A favourite topic at the moment seems to be which meal everyone wants to have once we’re allowed to go to restaurants again."
Take time out
"The way life is structured right now, we are physically more available to our partners, or whoever we are co-habiting with, so it’s easy to feel like we need to ‘give’ all of the time.
"This can create a lot of pressure, so try and make space, even if it’s just for an hour, to do things for yourself like read a book, listen to music or go for a walk. Remind yourself and your loved one that needing time apart doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate each other.
"When it comes to your romantic partner in particular, sharing every moment of the day with each other can be really difficult, so some alone time can actually help keep the spark alive."
A word about sex
"Sex can be hugely comforting in a crisis. Look at the baby boom that occurred after the New York blackout in 1977, or after the Second World War. For some, sex is bonding and reassuring while for others, anxiety and stress means that sex is the last thing on their mind.
"Be aware of any differences between you and your romantic partner in this respect and don’t be afraid to talk about them with each other without judgement or guilt."
Look to the future
"When conflicts arise, as well they might, it helps to have strategies in place to deal with them. When tensions occur, agree to take a short time out from each other – studies show that it takes 20 to 30 minutes for our nervous systems to calm down and our heart rates to slow to a normal rate after an argument. Once you’re both calm, come back together and ask your partner to listen, without interrupting or needing to respond, to what’s on your mind. Then do the same for them. As a result, you may need to negotiate between you for something to change.
"Ultimately, remember that this epidemic will pass and the stresses placed on your relationship will lift. Hang on in there, and life will come back into balance once more."
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