People thought I was the life and soul of the party, but inside I was screaming

A woman who “felt like nobody would notice I had just gone” is helping others survive the impact of suicide.

Zoe Richards spoke about how she felt; days, weeks and years after trying to take her own life. After surviving she tried various things to help - and says some worked but others did not.

The 62-year-old, from Southport, eventually learned what worked best. Zoe found what worked was "a jigsaw of different things".

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Zoe told the ECHO: "A failure of taking your life just feels like you're adding to the failures. I started to do something that my nanna used to do as my nanna had mental health issues and her mother did as well.

"She would end each day counting three blessings. She would say 'if a blessing today was all you managed to do was get out of bed, it was a blessing'.

"I would end each day looking for three blessings, it could be I got a car parking space, tiny things, nothing huge. I also said something my nanna would say: ‘everyday in some small way, I’m getting better and better’, and I would just keep saying that to myself everyday, and that helped a lot".

Over five years from 1993 to 1998 Zoe had feelings she describes as "a very slow gradual sense of not feeling right and a really hard thing to describe. When I talk to other people who've had mental health struggles, certainly at the start, it just doesn't feel right.

"You can't put your finger on it and say this is what's wrong with me. It's just a niggling feeling, a bit like you don't notice you put on weight until suddenly clothes don’t quite fit anymore."

Zoe was told "it could be a delayed or lesser form of post-natal depression". Not noticing the slow effects, it was tipping her over and coincided with other things going on in her life."

She said: "I got to a place where I felt worthless, didn't have a place within the family, even though I was good at my job I felt like an imposter doing the job.

"First thing I noticed; I’d be driving to work, two places, one Aintree, the other Fleetwood. If I went to Fleetwood I got to a point where I could keep driving to Ireland, which meant driving through the sea, or turn right and go to Fleetwood.

"It was that thought I started to notice; would anybody notice I had done that and I actually felt nobody would notice I had just gone. The logical part of your brain tells you of course people would notice.

"When you’re in the middle of it there is no logic to what you’re going through. You’re in an illogical phase".

Similar to many people going through mental health struggles, Zoe said: "It’s difficult to pinpoint what places you in a particular moment. It's difficult to pinpoint why you feel something on a certain day".

She believes she may have had Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, which she describes as being "worse than most women experiencing premenstrual syndrome, and can have what appears to be bipolar episodes. It's not, it's actually a reaction to hormones in your body.

"A lot of women would understand this. They become somebody that they don't know".

Aged 36, she knew it was a dark October night in 1998, her husband knew nothing of what she tried to do. Zoe visited her GP, weeks after her suicide attempt, but only saying she felt depressed.

The GP said they did not want to put her on medication and suggested walking in nature or going to talking therapy. 18 months later she tried talking therapy and said: "I found I did not connect to talking therapy, it's probably misunderstood by most people that people who are depressed don't want to talk, but I can talk about it at an intellectual level, not at a feelings level".

Zoe has since written and published a book launched at Liverpool’s Waterstones on June 20 called Garden of Her Heart, a story about hope and second chances. The book; inspired by Zoe's experiences, is a fictional story about a character named Holly Bush, who is made redundant after a brutal attack and joins a retreat where she tends to a garden.

It’s first in a new list from University of Central Lancashire Publishing, with a focus on fiction written by women and for women. Author Philippa East said: "What a beautiful book. Holly’s story is poignant and raw, like an inspiring and compassionate self-help guide showing us that we can survive, grow and thrive, even from the most desperate times".

Zoe continued: "I could hide from the counsellor what was really going on, she probably knew, but I was clever enough with my answers so I stopped her getting to the point where she could help me. I think there's a lot of people like that.

"I described myself as the world's best wallpaperer of life, I could wallpaper over my own cracks in front of other people. I would have crying, feeling hopeless and wanting to curl up into a ball all in private.

"There's a lot of people who can put a mask on to hide their feelings like I did. I would crack jokes, laugh a lot and people thought I was the life and soul of the party, but inside I was screaming.

"I did not tell anybody until I was nearly 50, nobody in the family, nobody at all. I actually found myself confiding to a large group of women on a private Facebook group who I really connected with, other women sharing their vulnerabilities, I knew a couple of them in person".

They came together about manifesting, all with differing reasons. Because the women were vulnerable Zoe felt comfortable being vulnerable too and after telling them “that voicelessness through a keyboard it became easier.

"I did tell my husband, he was shocked, then family and friends. They were shocked. Shocked (and) feeling guilt of not being there to help me.

Zoe is unsure if people can spot signs and said: "Sometimes you’ve got a gut feeling about something. That niggle in the back of your head, something they said to me earlier, I think I should ring them back.

"Do ring them back. Don’t forget about it and think ‘oh no’, because if something niggles you pick up on that and do something with it". Zoe thinks this does not mean they’re suicidal, but you could catch them before they get to that point because then, "they know they're not alone".

Zoe has been writing since the age of six and Garden of Her Heart is Zoe's first novel. She said about the main character Holly, who has physical and mental scars: "She goes to a retreat where there's a garden in need of tender loving care. Through helping the garden she helps herself.

"The thing for everybody to remember who has experienced some form of mental health is; what works for one person may not work for you. It's OK to go and try different ways to help you.

"If talking therapy doesn't work for you, try walking in nature, if walking in nature doesn't work for you try going and having a massage. If having a massage doesn't work for you, find a group of people you can talk with. That’s what I did, it was a jigsaw of different things”.

For information on Zoe and her book visit HERE

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