Please, no more brilliant TV. I’m at breaking point | Jack Bernhardt

There are several phrases I expect to never come out of my mouth. “I am overwhelmed by Nick Clegg’s raw sexual magnetism … This Abellio Greater Anglia train is so comfortable and fast … That thing David Davis just said actually makes sense.” There is one, though, that goes against the core of my nature, but it’s one that I feel must be said: I think we have enough TV shows now.

Don’t get me wrong – TV is good right now. We entered the Golden Age of Television about four years ago with Breaking Bad and Broadwalk Empire, and since then it’s only gotten better - Game of Thrones, Westworld, Orange Is the New Black, Broad City, that version of Blind Date where everyone’s naked, and we’re fine with it because it’s 2017.

We’re definitely in the Platinum Age of Television. And this week brought the news that, if anything, it’s only going to get better: Apple is set to invest $1bn in new original programming, meaning we can expect thousands of hours of shows just like Apple’s products – sleek, flashy and overwhelmingly white.

After Amazon, Netflix, Disney and now Apple, it seems like every single multinational company in the world will, at some point, try to launch their own original programming service. I imagine a dystopian future where Eddie Stobart launches its own original content platform, which will just be hours of its Channel 5 documentary where they drove up and down the M1 fused with a couple of Saturday night BBC programmes no one else wanted – Don’t Scare the Hare and that one with Anton du Beke where he was dressed in all of the Lycra. They might have burned all footage of that.

You might think I’m being melodramatic. TV streaming subscription services have exploded in popularity, so why shouldn’t Apple get involved? But at some point we have to take a stand.

There are certain undeniable truths that we should all cling to during these tumultuous times. One: Nazis are always bad and should always be opposed. Two: Clare Balding could present a washing machine on a cottons-only spin and make it thrilling. And three: no person should have to subscribe to more than two online streaming services.

In the UK, if you want to watch all the “must-see” TV being produced, you have to sign up to Netflix (£5.99 a month), Amazon Prime (£7.99) and Sky TV (from £22 a month rising to Your First Born Plus A Blood Pact With Rupert Murdoch a month). And even if you can afford it, when will you watch it all? Netflix apparently has 34,739 hours of content on it. That’s nearly four years.

Think of the things you could do in four years: learn a classical instrument, do Anthony Scaramucci’s stint as head of White House communications 145 times.

Of course, some people will say you don’t have to watch everything. To those people I say: I paid my £5.99 so I’m going to get my £5.99 worth, and if that means watching two series of a Russian crime show about a detective who solves mysteries with his abnormally strong nose, then sign me up.

But even if you skip some, there are too many great shows to watch: I’ve had Netflix for five years and I’m still only on the third season of Orange Is the New Black. I’m on the first season of House of Cards. That said, I have watched Fireplace for Your Home three times, so I think I might just have terrible decision-making skills.

Of course, the more great shows there are, and the more platforms there are, the less likely it is that we are all going to be watching the same thing. In many ways that can be a good thing – original comedies such as Chewing Gum or Catastrophe wouldn’t have been made if they had been intended for everyone – but it does mean there are fewer common cultural touchstones than, say, 20 years ago.

Even supposedly massive cultural events like Game of Thrones rely on people having Sky or at least a knowledge of where to get illegal copies from. I don’t have either, so don’t understand when people say things like “Winter is coming” or “You know nothing, Jon Snow”, unless they’re talking about actual winter coming or actual Jon Snow knowing nothing, which is harsh as he’s a professional journalist.

So, for the sake of my already packed TV-watching schedule, and before my brain turns into mush, can Apple – and any other multinational companies thinking about it – please reconsider going into streaming. Except for you, Eddie Stobart. I genuinely think that could be brilliant.

• Jack Bernhardt is a comedy writer and occasional performer.