'Pregnancy triggered a mental breakdown, I wanted to punch people who spoke about my bump'

A woman has said pregnancy brought back her own childhood trauma and whenever someone asked her about her bump she'd want to "punch them or tell them to f*** off".

The brave story of Toria has been shared by the Humber Teaching NHS Foundation Trust following her diagnosis of Complex PTSD while under the care of the Specialist Perinatal Team. Following successful treatment, Toria now works in mental health herself.

She said: "Motherhood as a prospect didn’t immediately seem positive to me. In honesty it felt like a disaster blowing up my life and reminding me of some of my worst memories. Childhood trauma and past relationships had damaged not only my own early years but also the way I saw being a parent to a child.

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"Before my pregnancy, I would become incensed when the constant questions about biological clocks and all that nonsense women are bombarded with as they get older were bandied about. It was not on the cards and it was not even a consideration nor dream.

"Because previously I had ‘functioned’- held jobs down and struggled but managed to present as a confident, well-rounded person, I never was diagnosed or really heard until I was pregnant.

"Written off as anxious and depressed, occasionally hospitalised - no one investigated why I had those symptoms and I have been given just about every medication prescribed for those maladies or offered counselling.

"I had no connection to the life growing inside of me – I told no one for as long as possible and felt like a stranger in my own body. I hated talking about it, acknowledging it or even looking at scans - I was cold to the idea. Every time anyone came near and referenced my bump or tried to touch or offer advice I wanted to punch them or tell them to [****] off.

"The first time I saw a psychiatrist was through my Perinatal Mental Health (PNMH) team. Suddenly I had an army, diagnosed with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) - they acknowledged my fears and struggles and actually helped me work with them to not just survive my pregnancy but to reduce my fear and distress - tailoring their advice and help for me.

"My medication was carefully considered – I was given access to a psychotherapist who I still see now. They placed the scaffolding around me until I was secure and then gave me the support to remove it piece by piece.

"Not all women are ‘glowing’ and joyful about pregnancy – so many things are brought to the surface that don’t make great Instagram posts. The guilt when you aren’t doing a pregnancy shoot or smiling and rubbing your bump like the Virgin Mary can be crippling – why aren’t you like that?

"Some women can’t have kids, and you feel ungrateful at best and a cold fraud of a woman at worst. The team normalise these feelings and allow you to be authentic whilst they tackle how to best make the process work for you and your baby. This team saved my life and my relationship with my baby and I’ll be eternally grateful.

"I now work in mental health myself – my lived experience helps me empathise and I can authentically empathise with the struggles but also vouch for the fact it gets better, the PNMH team are the givers of hope with no one size fits all, if only all mental health services were as comprehensive."

Parents who experience mental heath difficulties in pregnancy and in the first year after birth can visit Every Mum Matters which offers advice and a range of services. During pregnancy, you can seek help from the Perinatal Mental Health Team via humber.nhs.uk.

When life is difficult, Samaritans are here – day or night, 365 days a year. You can call them for free on 116 123, email them at jo@samaritans.org, or visit samaritans.org to find your nearest branch.