Need reminding how neurotic you are? Check your Google searches

If any literary agents were looking to commission a pedestrian, esoteric work of non-fiction — bear with me — then may I pitch Portrait of the Hypochondriac as a Young Woman, a potted collection of my neurotic Google search history from the past year?

“Highlights” will include the time I feared that I might have gout — I had lost a bit of a toenail — and the grammatically and conceptually ambivalent “sore right hip illness”. Pre-empting objections, I assure you there’s nothing gross in there. To reiterate, I am a hypochondriac and therefore rarely exhibit any meaningful symptoms. The book would make a PG stocking filler in time for next Christmas.

What does your Google search history say about you? The tech company has a hunch: this week, Google released its search trends review for 2018. The royal family were a hit — Meghan Markle was the most searched person, and “royal wedding” and “royal baby” were the top two news events. Other trends included the World Cup, GDPR and “what is Bitcoin?” — some things, regrettably, never change.

The macro trends are by the by; your personal Google results are a detailed psychological profile. It’s a snapshot of your neuroses and preferred distractions: page after page of midi-wrap dresses in the &OtherStories sale, say, or the IMDb pages of every single person who appears in the thank u, next video for Ariana Grande’s new single. They are an insight into anxieties of import — “What is Irish backsto?” and anxieties of no import whatsoever (“Can you die of hangover?”).

Scroll back through your history to be reminded of every pub quiz question you cheated in, and every search completed purely to settle a score, then to gloat uproariously (or fall silent, results depending).

It’s your very own year in review — and a powerful incentive to switch off in 2019.

If you’re back home at least do chores

A report finds that 2.5 million boomerang millennials returned to the parental nest this year, offering not gratitude but a partner in tow. But the parents didn’t mind the interlopers as much as the young couples’ refusal to help with chores.

I sympathise with the baby boomers. My parents wouldn’t take me back, through every fault of my own. They’re preparing for the temporary Christmas invasion by four adult children, all of whom spend all year asserting their independence, ignoring parental calls, and then, on entering the house, forget how to wash a dish. Mum, Dad: in advance, I’m sorry.

Miley, a dark reflection of the times

It's the most magical time of the year: a new series of Black Mirror is (almost certainly) coming to Netflix. A leaked screengrab, now deleted, suggests that the new episode might be released on December 28.

Netflix hasn’t confirmed, though offered a gnomic evasion: “Patience is a virtue, but rest easy knowing there is more Black Mirror on the way.”

All the better for conjuring hype — as is the news that pop star Miley Cyrus is also said to be starring in one of the new episodes. Last night she confirmed her appearance on The Howard Stern Show. “The show is really dark, but I learned a lot about myself,” she told Stern.

It is an unlikely collision of disconnected worlds. On the one hand, Cyrus, whose last album was called Bangerz, and most notable film gig of note was swinging on a wrecking ball for a music video; on the other, a disquieting, dystopian satire for nerds.

Inevitably, I can’t wait.

White Elephant 1, Secret Santa 0

On the scale of Christmas rituals, Secret Santa is at the “excruciating” end. Its mission is pure: to save money, level matters so that no flash git can outdo the rest, and ensure everyone gets one, thoughtful present. In reality, it frays nerves, exposes politics — one year, I had to swap after drawing an ex-boyfriend — and means everyone gets one, thoughtless present, panic-bought from the Argos opposite the office.

Our friendship group plays White Elephant instead: buy one present for no one in particular, then take it in turns to pick and swap. It’s ruthless, anarchic — especially after mulled wine — and far more fun.