Michael Ian Black: Here’s the Speech Trump Should Give at Barron’s Graduation

Now that Judge Juan Merchan has ruled that the World’s #1 Dad, Donald Trump, is permitted to skip a day of his criminal trial to attend his youngest son Barron’s high school graduation, I thought it might be a nice idea for a professional writer to prepare some remarks for the former president to deliver to the graduates. Just a few words of life advice from an old man who has seen and done it all.

And, because I’m a generous spirit, I decided to take up the assignment myself.

I’ll set the scene. As the high school band performs a stirring rendition of The Village People’s “YMCA,” President 45 strides onto stage, perhaps performing his “I’m flossing the space between my ears” dance. Magic.

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Then, the speech:

“To the wonderful students of this very expensive private school whose name I do not know, congratulations. Today is the day all of your hard work pays off as we celebrate your incredible achievement. Not as incredible as being elected President of the United States twice, the way I was, but incredible nonetheless.

Your incredible administrators came to me with tears in their eyes to ask if I would deliver a few words of advice as you begin the next chapter of your lives. Perhaps you will attend one of our corrupt universities or join the military to serve this great country of ours, although I have to tell you, some of the dumbest people I ever met in my life were generals. John Kelly, what a disaster. That’s why we need tough generals like the great Mike Flynn who was treated so unfairly by the failing New York Times.

My first piece of advice would be to have me as your father. (Hold for laughter and applause.) Barron knows that better than anybody. Stand up, Barron. Look at the size of that kid. Tallest presidential son in history, they tell me. Even Honest Abe didn’t have kids that tall. Taller even than James Comey, who I had to fire like a dog.

You’ve got to be loyal, kids. Loyalty is everything, isn’t that right, darling? (Turn to Melania.) Our beautiful First Lady is here. No other First Lady in our nation’s history has a figure like hers.

Stand up, Melania. Spin around. Look at that figure, just gorgeous. Can you imagine Ted Cruz’s ugly wife doing that? Not a chance. Sit down, darling, and try to put a smile on your face. Thank you darling. Be best.

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Back to the advice. Find yourself a good lawyer. I mean a killer. Preferably Jewish, but not like Michael Cohen even though I did more for his people than just about anybody in history, except Moses. And some very smart people think I did even more than him.

Here’s a piece of advice nobody else will tell you—no email. You can still do the Tik Tok. I know kids love the Tik Tok even though Sleepy Joe wants to ban it. Terrible.

But the email is no good. Even when you erase an email, they tell me it’s still out there on “The Cloud.” Do you know what that is? I call it “The Cloud.” Everything you ever write on the computer lives up there forever. Well, if you don’t have anything up there, guess what?

We call that “plausible deniability,” folks.

As my great friend Roy Cohn once said, “Deny, deny, deny.” You don’t even have to know what you’re denying. You weren’t there, you don’t know about it, it’s somebody else’s fault.

You are the future leaders of this great nation which won’t be a nation much longer if I don’t win the White House.

It’s true. If I don’t win the White House in November, most of you will be dead within six months. My wonderful family will be safe but the rest of you will be on the streets killing each other for half a Chicken McNugget and a thimbleful of gasoline.

We love our Chicken McNuggets, don’t we, folks?

So sad.

(Leaving some space here for the former president to ramble incoherently for 90-100 minutes before wrapping up.)

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In conclusion, great job.

I hope all of you go out there and make a tremendous fortune. And when you do, I hope you remember that it was your favorite president who cut your taxes. It was me, your favorite president, who saved this nation from pronouns. It was me, your favorite president, who created the greatest vaccine this nation ever produced in the shortest amount of time ever which I am hoping none of you took because it’s poison.

Thank you very much and God bless America.”

At this point, 45 picks up the stack of diplomas and throws them into the audience the way he did with paper towels to the victims of the hurricane in Puerto Rico as people salute, applaud, and—almost certainly—vomit.

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