Tam Cowan: "Euros dream not so pie in the sky thanks to my Tartan Army meat treat."

For more years than I care to remember, the good people of Scotland (particularly those in and around the nation’s football stadiums) appear to have taken a keen interest in my relationship with meat-filled pastry goods.

Yep, rarely a day goes by without my lugholes being assaulted with the same rhetorical question: “Who ate all the pies?”

But hey, who cares about all those mean jibes when my penchant for a pie led directly this week to what can only be described as my dream job.

Yes, folks, Brownings the Bakery – home of the famous Kilmarnock Pie – have invited me to be the “face” of their new product: The Tartan Army Pie.

And I immediately felt like Norm in the brilliant US sitcom Cheers when he got a gig testing a range of new beers for a brewery.

This isn’t the first time Brownings boss John Gall (my old Ayrshire chum) has teed up a tasty treat for his pal Tam.

Nope, last year it was a ticket for Darvel v Aberdeen in the Scottish Cup which meant I witnessed one of the biggest upsets in football history.

And I’ll tell you what, it’ll be an even bigger shock if Scotland’s pie-munching population don’t take the Tartan Army Pie to their hearts.

Do you think I’d put my coupon to any old cack?

I sampled the first batch last week and, trust me, if you liked your auld granny’s mince ’n’ tatties, you’re gonna love a Tartan Army Pie as that’s precisely the filling – mince ’n’ tatties. Available from Spar, Aldi and other outlets (in plenty of time for the start of the Euros) give ’em a bash, folks, and tell me what you think.

Talking of the Euros, they say the bookies rarely get it wrong. (Just the other day, for example, I walked into Ladbrokes and the lassie behind the counter said: “Haw, Cowan, you could do with shifting three or four stone…”

See what I mean?

So we better start panicking, boys and girls, ’cos I see that England are now 3/1 favourites to WIN the tournament!

A lot of tartan optimists think Scotland will get off to a flier on the grounds that Germany – our first opponents next Friday – are apparently “slow starters”.

Aye right – try telling that to Poland…

To be honest, I’m just chuffed we qualified.

I mean, look at the major football nations who won’t feature at the Euros this summer – Brazil and Argentina, to name but two…

My radio mucker Stuart Cosgrove is a glass half-full guy with all things Scotland.

And he thinks we’ll come back from Germany with a medal – just like he did in 1945.

(The Victoria Cross, awarded after he bored a whole battalion of Germans to death by shouting stories about St Johnstone across No Man’s Land.)

The big man’s clearly got the sort of positive outlook synonymous with the late, great Scotland manager Craig Brown.

As our lads lined up in the tunnel next to a Brazilian side featuring Rivaldo, Ronaldo and Roberto Carlos at the 1998 World Cup opener, it was Broon who roared at our troops: “Look at them, lads, they’re SH*****G themselves!!”

Let’s just say Graeme Souness wasn’t quite so confident when we played Brazil 16 years earlier at the World Cup in Spain.

As both sets of players walked onto the park, the ref said: “Good luck – may the best team win.” To which Souness responded: “I f*****g hope no’…”

I’ll be watching the games on the telly [“Eh?!? You mean BBC Scotland won’t be taking two of its top presenters to Germany on the 30th anniversary of the award-winning Off The Ball?!? That’s absolutely scandalous! I’m never paying my licence fee again!!!” – Reader’s voice ] and we’ll do a show from the Glasgow studios after each game.

Any of you lot going to a “fanzone”?

I went to a Rangers fanzone last year and it was good fun. Well, I say it was a Rangers fanzone – I was actually guest speaker at the Lanarkshire Referees’ AGM.

I’ve also been to a St Johnstone fanzone – but not for long. Someone else wanted in to make a call...

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