The Musketeers: Stands and delivers *Spoilers*

I swear, I thought d’Artagnan’s opening line was “We need to get to the loo”. And I thought, the entrance to the loo isn’t exactly a romantic place to make out, is it Athos, really?

But no, it was the Louvre they needed to get to, and fast. The Queen of England’s crown jewels had been stolen by a dandy highwayman, and her brother, King Louis, has no hesitation in calling in the Musketeers.

It’s the first decision in a series of sensible decisions made by Louis in this episode, the White Plaque clearly focusing his mind on the important issues. And he does the best eye roll of the entire show to date!

Our dandy highwayman was none other than old friend and adversary, Emile Bonnaire, played with delicious gusto by the wonderful James Callis. This episode was pure joy - funny, almost slapstick in places, with Callis plundering the Captain Jack Sparrow ministry of how to run hilariously. With most of the best lines, he kindly forgives the Musketeers and eventually lets on that he never made it to Spain.

The underlying seriousness of the English monarchy’s position (Cromwell has just come to prominence and civil war looms) wasn’t allowed to get in the way of the sheer jolliness of this romp, with the Muskies efforts to steady a horse whose tail had some of the stolen jewels braided into it as daft as any top sitcom. It was left to former farm boy d’Artagnan to sooth Serena’s (the horse) fears enough for Bonnaire to retrieve the jewels. There was slight concern that Athos was going to shoot the horse but it soon passed.

There was also concern that Athos might shoot Aramis too, at one point, as more jewels had to be retrieved from Pauline, a childhood friend who’d grown up with Aramis in a brothel (it’s sad, yes, but it explains a lot) and whose husband was played by none other that Paul McGann. Whether that was a deliberate nod to his role in one of the Musketeers films I don’t know, but it looked like he might miss out on his bride again, thanks to one of our four heroes. But not for the usual reason …

Pauline was being blackmailed and here the plot took an unexpected twist: instead of Aramis saving the day, she knifes her blackmailer, in an OMG moment worthy of Line of Duty. And they left her story there, for us to make up our own ending. Would/did Aramis and/or her fiance turn her in?

The jewels are all eventually reunited with England’s Queen Henrietta Maria, who recognises Bonnaire as her gardener in England - you can read his backstory here, courtesy of exec producer Simon Allen - while loyal lady-in-waiting, Caroline, turns out to be his wife and accomplice.

“Hang him!” demands the Queen

“I can double your money!” Bonnaire cries desperately. And such was the essence of the episode, you knew we’d have no such unpleasantness as a hanging.

This week’s installment, written by Jeff Povey, was definitely the light relief in a series defined by the treasonous plotting of the King’s many enemies, who were firmly in the background on this occasion, although we were kept up to date with references to the intertwined stories.

Feron advises Grimauld that the King is dying, and confesses he has a cunning plan. Ok, he didn’t say cunning, but it’s what everyone watching decided he did. Grimauld accosting Sylvie in a nice way after her rebel rousing points to trouble ahead, particularly for Athos (and not just from his colleagues’ teasing). The flirting has moved on to something more, but he’s still not committing fully and there’s a snag in the relationship fabric as he refuses an invitation. We’re almost halfway through and it’s building nicely to the eventual showdowns.

Why the BBC is not recommissioning this glorious series is still a mystery. It has absolutely everything you want in a prime time entertainment show: fun, adventure, danger, great storylines and writing, brilliant production values, believable characters, terrific villains, strong women and four dashing heroes who appeal to both men and women. I know a eulogy is a bit previous - we’re not yet halfway through. But that’s how upset I am.

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