Yahoo News Three People Open Up About What It's Like to Be Asexual
According to the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN), an asexual person is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. "Unlike celibacy, which is a choice, asexuality is a sexual orientation," they explain. "Asexual people have the same emotional needs as everybody else and are just as capable of forming intimate relationships."
Beyond that, asexuality is different for every individual. Some still seek out relationships, others are content with close friends or on their own. These three people speak out what it means to be asexual, and how it feels to navigate a world that’s all about sex.
So, you identify as asexual. What does that mean to you?
Woman A: Being asexual means I don’t have any interest in expressing my attraction physically. Some asexuals have no interest in dating or companionship. I’m not like that personally, and I can’t speak for the whole community, but for me being asexual means that I don’t express myself physically even if I am interested in someone.
Woman B: To me, it means that someone doesn't feel sexual attraction toward other people. I don't think it means you can't tell when someone is attractive. Even if I can tell a man or woman is physically attractive and dresses nice, I don't fantasize about doing anything sexual with them. In all my relationships I've been OK with nonsexual intimacy but I've never wanted to go beyond that. I knew it was expected but it's not something I thought about most of the time.
Man A: Being asexual means I’m not a sexual person, but it goes beyond that. I don’t have any real interest in dating someone else in the traditional sense.
How old were you when you started using the label "asexual" to describe yourself? How old are you now?
Woman A: It was my sophomore year of college. Before then, I had been very dismissive of how I felt. I dated and had boyfriends and so badly wanted to understand why everyone was so into being in a relationship. I took this human sexuality course as an elective and that was where I first heard of asexuality. It was a lightbulb moment for me. I was like, ‘Oh my god. Of course.’
Woman B: I was around 18 or 19 when a friend mentioned asexuality in an offhand way, but I didn't learn the actual definition and start identifying as asexual until I was 22. I'm 23 now.
Man A: I knew I was asexual for a while, but I didn’t feel comfortable using that term out loud until after college. I think I was 24. At one point, I made up having a girlfriend back home so I would have an excuse to not hit on women. College just felt like it was supposed to be so sexually charged and it was something I didn’t want to deal with.
What was it like growing up asexual in a world in which everyone is assumed to want sex?
Woman A: It was very confusing. I was angry at myself for not finding the right boy. I think for women especially, so much of the media geared towards teens is about couples and couple drama and romance. I didn’t understand how I fit in with any of that.
Woman B: Among my friends, I was usually dismissed. If the topic of sex came up, they stopped me before I started talking because I'd told them about having no interest. But I didn't have many moments where I thought there was a problem with not caring about it.
Man A: It gave me a lot of anxiety. All of puberty was so confusing because i was trying to figure out when I would start to feel like all my friends who couldn’t stop thinking about girls and sex. For a while, I felt like I was just really late in terms of developing. I was trying to self-diagnose and look things up online when I found out what asexuality was. It wasn’t something I felt I could share with other people. I got made fun of a lot because I just came off as very awkward.
What is it like for you now, as an adult?
Woman A: It’s easier in a lot of ways. I’m more comfortable with myself so I don’t feel the anxiety I used to. But I still need to really explain myself to people.
Woman B: It seems like if you aren't a sexual person you don't get recognized in books, movies, or television. But now I just move on to something else instead of giving time to things that don't acknowledge me.
Man A: It’s frankly mostly the same. People still don’t understand how I can not like sex. I’ve heard things like, “it’s like not liking pizza or chocolate”. I explain that it’s like eating pizza because someone ordered it for dinner even if you don’t love it.
On the AVEN [Asexuality Visibility and Education Network] website, asexuality is defined as an absence of sexual attraction to other people - meaning that some asexual people experience a physical desire for sexual release, they just have no desire to act on it with another person. Do you ever feel that desire for sexual release, and if so, how does it differ from sexual attraction?
Woman A: Yeah, and for a variety of reasons I prefer to masturbate instead of have sex. It’s easier and faster for me to meet that need. But I only do it very occasionally.
Woman B: I don't feel it but I do believe feeling the desire for sexual release is different to sexual attraction. I don't think someone having that desire means they want to make anyone else involved.
Man A: Sometimes I feel like I need sex, but in a very basic way. I don’t really get horny.
Do you masturbate?
Woman A: Yes. See the previous question.
Woman B: No. I don't even like the idea of actually doing it.
Man A: I’ve tried masturbating on occasion but I find it very time consuming. I have to really focus on the physical sensation.
Have you ever had sex? If so, what was the experience like for you?
Woman A: Yes, and I’ve touched on this already. It isn’t bad, it’s just not very interesting.
Woman B: Yes, with two different guys. It was incredibly boring and not something I planned on doing again after the first time. It's something I could do without.
Man A: A few times and I’m very much just going through the motions with it. It’s not something I ever really seek out.
Have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend? Do you desire a romantic relationship?
Woman A: I have had a few, especially when I was younger. I don’t know if desire is the right word, and my definition of romantic is different than other people’s but yes, I like having a boyfriend.
Woman B: I've had three boyfriends and one girlfriend.
Man A: It’s not something I actively seek out, but if I meet someone I enjoy spending time with I will enter into a relationship with them if it’s important to them.
If so, do you prefer to date other asexual people? Or people of a certain sexual orientation (e.g. bisexual, homosexual, heterosexual?)
Woman A: I haven’t dated another asexual person, although I think that would honestly be ideal. I’ve only dated men.
Woman B: I've never dated another asexual person but I don't have a preference for orientation.
Man A: I don’t really date, but I would say I’ve had intense friendships that for me scratch that itch. But it’s more just about spending time with good friends. I don’t look at it as that kind of a relationship.
If you have dated a sexual person, did you feel any pressure to have sex? How did you deal with it?
Woman A: I sure did. It feels like dating someone with a very intense hobby, like a sports nut. You understand that it’s a very important part of their lives even if it isn’t a part of yours. And in that same way, just like you’d sit there and watch games with them on Sunday sometimes, you’ll still have sex on occasion. It’s not that I’m repulsed by sex, it just does nothing for me. I can sit through it the same way I can sit through a football game. So I’ve been in relationships where I’ll have sex occasionally because I understand it’s important to them.
Woman B: I have a fiancé and we've been together for three years. Before I started identifying as asexual, it was difficult to explain that my lack of interest in sex was not a disinterest in him, so we have had sex because of that. We still do, just not very often. Two or three times a month at most, and sometimes not at all. We have talked about sex not being a part of our relationship in the future, and he's a little more open to the idea.
Man A: I feel a lot of pressure, I think especially as a man, because the stereotype is that we’re always wanting to have sex and if I don’t, there’s something wrong with me, or that there’s something wrong with them. I think women see me as a catch in certain respects. I don’t think I’m ugly and I have a good job. They think they can deal with the lack of sex. Some women think they can get my sex drive going. I usually say no to sex in general, just because the few times I’ve tried it women have gotten frustrated that I’m obviously not into it. It’s been better to just leave that off the table.
What are the biggest misconceptions about asexual people, in your opinion?
Woman A: When I tell most people that I’m asexual, they think that all emotions go out the window. They act like I’m a robot. I still have emotions and I can still make connections with people. My sex drive is just so low it’s set to “off”.
Woman B: I think one of the biggest misconceptions is that because our orientation is a minority, we don't know ourselves well enough to identify this way. Another is that it's a childish thing, that we're not adults until we feel sexual attraction like everyone else.
Man A: That we just have low sex drives. I’ve met a lot of women who think I just haven’t met the right person, or that they can really put the moves on me and get me interested, or that I’m gay and don’t know it.
Is there anything that confuses you about sexual people? If so, what?
Woman C: I don’t think I get confused about anything. I spent long enough trying to get myself into that mindset. I’m not like, an alien studying people.
Woman A: Until recently I didn't really understand the concept of a "turn-on." I thought it meant something you would like in someone else. And even now it's really just a theory to me.
Man A: I don’t think it’s that sexual people confuse me. It's not a foreign concept. But I would say that the idea of arousal is a little difficult to grasp. Not on a physical level, but seeing someone and getting turned on.
If a person is wondering if they might be asexual, what advice would you have for them?
Woman A: I realize that not everyone will have the same “aha!” moment I had when it comes to understanding asexuality. So it’s important, especially if you’re young, to have this understanding in the back of your mind that this is who you are and how you function and there’s no need to worry.
Woman B: My advice is to do as much research as needed to help you feel sure of it. No one else is inside your head so no one else can decide your orientation. And don't worry if one day you might feel sexual attraction. It doesn't invalidate your asexuality if your orientation changes.
Man A: Being asexual as a young person can feel very lonely, so I would say if you have any kind of resource or forum you can go to for validation, that’s very important.
Is there anything else you'd like Cosmo readers to know about asexuality?
Woman A: No.
Woman B: People who identify as asexual can want a relationship or only desire platonic friendships. Both are perfectly OK. Neither should be used a measurement of what makes a true asexual.
Man A: I think people can do a better job of respecting someone who says they’re asexual. All too often people want to poke and prod you and see if there’s a way to “crack” you.
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