Tim Loughton: Reshuffles are 'cruel and arbitrary affairs'

Former Children's Minister Tim Loughton reflects on government reshuffles. What’s the difference between an Agatha Christie murder mystery and a ministerial reshuffle? Answer- Agatha Christie makes sure the perpetrator gets collared. In many other respects reshuffle time is much like the script of ‘And then there were none.’ You never quite know when the annual culling of political careers is actually going to start and whether the PM will be brandishing his club in your direction. Many know from bitter experience that relying on the Sunday newspapers to forecast when and who is about to be up and who down is a mug’s game. The morning media speculate that a reshuffle may be underway but increasingly it is social media carrying personal testimonies from the now ex-Minister for Widgets that he is grateful to the PM for having given him the opportunity to transform widget production, and he is now to stand up for widgets manfully from the backbenches, that confirms the bloodletting is underway. And then there were nine. In my case at the DfE in 2012 it was the arrival of men in brown overalls bearing crates outside of the office of the now ex Minister of State for Schools which suggested that all was not well. The office name plate of the politically deceased is removed and all the DNA of a promising ministerial career clinically removed and unceremoniously consigned to heavy duty PVC awaiting onward delivery instructions. And then there were eight. It then became clear that the Minister of State for Families was heading the same way. Should I lock the office door and barricade myself inside? Smiling faces started appearing on my TV monitor as colleagues were summoned to the glory walk up Downing Street signalling promotion. Surely someone should have called me by now to join that catwalk procession. Is my mobile working? And then there were seven. Many hours, much paranoid speculation at the significance of strange glances from your civil servants (who usually know everything) and many culled colleagues later, the call finally comes from a faceless flunky at Number Ten. The PM would like to see you at 3.15pm in his office at… Your fate becomes clear. You have been summoned to the PM’s Commons office where the clubbing can take place away from the cameras. All that is left to decide is the manner of your despatch by your executioner. In 2012 I calculated they fell into 4 main categories: • The compliant ‘thanks for the opportunity’ PM• The poignant ‘it was all I ever worked for’ usually involving Kleenex• The indignant ‘you’re making a big mistake matey’ occasionally involving the contents of a glass• And the nonchalant ‘is that it Prime Minister?’ Reshuffles can be cruel and arbitrary affairs. The additional constraints of reduced places on offer within the Coalition arrangement have made it even more problematic. But sometimes it can be as arbitrary as a Post-it note with your name on it dropping off the war room gaming board at Downing Street, or is it Notting Hill? It is a strange business that peremptorily returns to the shop floor employees who have worked their way up tirelessly and thought they had delivered for their employer and who know their brief inside out ostensibly to let someone else have a go who happens to have a more youthful appearance, is a different sex or alumnus of a different school? And then there were none. Tim Loughton is the MP for East Worthing & Shoreham and a former Children's Minister