When is the right time to let your child have their first phone?

It’s 6:22am. A rustle and a whimper come from the room that adjoins our bedroom. My toddler is rousing and I roll over, praying she goes back to sleep as we’d not been able to get to bed until very late the night before. No such joy. She’s awake and now being very loud and shouty about it.

I bring her over to the bed and find some family videos on my phone for her to watch while I come to terms with the fact I’ll have to get up having had less than five hours of sleep. Luckily she is easily pleased and videos of her running around patting her “mi ma melly” (big fat belly), and playing peek-a-boo when she’s supposed to be sleeping, keep her occupied for another blissful 10 minutes. She’s not yet two years old and smartphones are already part of her world – for entertainment, as well as being a source of frustration when she wants her parents’ attention.

While we are still some years away from having to decide when to get her a phone of her own, lockdown has meant that parents – of young and older children alike – are rethinking how they approach phones and digital devices of all kinds. During this unusual period we’re living through, when is the best time to give your child their very own mobile?

For mum of two Emily, lockdown has meant introducing a phone for her nine-year-old daughter earlier than planned. “Whenever we had talked about it with her we’d said she could have a phone when she went to secondary school, when she’s old enough to walk to school on her own and tell us if she’s going for a milkshake with friends after school,” she says. “But lockdown for us has been the undoing of that.”

Emily, who lives in Hertfordshire with her husband, their daughter and a seven-year-old son, says that with both parents having to work, the children needed to entertain themselves for much of the day. “It’s been very difficult not to allow them to liaise with friends over apps and chat pages and so forth. My daughter now has an old phone of mine.”

According to Sonia Livingstone, co-author of Parenting for a Digital Future, due to be released later this summer, rather than there being a particular age to introduce a child to their first phone, it’s about what’s right for your family. “Research is clear that what matters is an open and frank conversation between parent and child,” she says. “What matters then is both that the child is ready and the parent is ready. The child should be ready both to use a phone independently, to seek help if they encounter a problem, and to be able to turn to the parent for guidance.” In the same vein, she explains, the parent needs to be ready to trust the child and be equipped to deal with possible problems without getting upset.

Dr Sharie Coombes, a child and family psychotherapist and author who runs a busy practice in Brighton, says a ballpark age for getting a phone could be pre-puberty or puberty, but agrees it’s more about the right stage than the right age. “It is a privilege to have a smartphone but also it’s a massive responsibility, so it’s got to feel right from the parent’s point of view. Does your child have sufficient need for it? Or will it cause enormous stress for your child to look after?”

Coombes suggests drawing up a “contract” that sets out how and when digital devices in the home will be used. Both parent and child can sign it and tack it up somewhere visible. The contract might set out limits for screen time, for both parties, and she emphasises that it’s important not to be abrupt when that limit is approaching.

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“Some people get quite a strong dopamine hit from screen time, which is why it’s so difficult to give up,” she says. “So if parents are going to let their children have a lot of screen time, they need to avoid saying: ‘OK, turn it off now’ because none of us would like that.” She suggests instead having a countdown – 20 minutes, 15 minutes, five – as a gentle way to warn children their screen time is coming to an end.

As far as online safety and parental controls go, Emily has set up her daughter’s phone so that she can’t download any apps, and she’s hidden Safari. However, her daughter has worked out how to command Siri to play slime videos on YouTube Kids, says Emily. “She knows how I feel about that!”

For a huge range of resources on online safety and parental controls, Coombes recommends the NSPCC website.

At the end of the day, there isn’t a magic age when a child will wake up and be ready for a phone. Instead, when it feels like the time is right, set a good example, create an environment where mutual respect and trust can be built, and don’t forget to set those parental controls.

Take the stress out of giving your child their first phone by choosing an unlimited data plan, so that you can always keep connected and they always have access to vital apps such Maps.

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