The university years: a chance for children and parents to discover new interests

The day your child leaves for university is one of mixed feelings. You will have been working up to this day for a while: encouraging them to do their best at school, visiting open days, and celebrating when they land their place. But there will be apprehension, too. What if they don’t take to their new life? And what about you? What if that empty bedroom makes you feel lonely?

The key to a successful transition, for both parents and their children, is preparation – and that starts with the application process.

“The best way for parents to support their children with the application process to university is by understanding the process for themselves and by being available to help when needed,” says Pete Edge, director of conversion and enrolment at the University of Law. “Depending on your child, that could be a simple addition of application deadlines to the family calendar or, for those who need more of a prod, it could be getting involved with personal statements, interview prep and trips to university open days.”

Try to arrange a few open-day trips together during year 12, as applications are completed early in year 13, but remember that, as a parent, you’re there to accompany and advise – not make the final decision. “The best advice is to ensure that children feel empowered to assert themselves, and that they can go to their parents when they need it,” says Paul Woods, associate director of marketing and student recruitment at Middlesex University. “A lot of parents do go to open days with children, but some won’t want that, so it’s about signposting the need to visit the campus, empowering them with what they should be asking and enabling them to look for themselves.”

The months before university starts is also the time for parents to teach their children more about independent living. Ideally, this should just be topping up on skills, says Jeremy Todd, chief executive of the Family Lives parenting charity: “The sooner life skills teaching starts, the better. It shouldn’t be a mad week at home before leaving working out how the washing machine works.”

As a bare minimum, think about helping your children master how to cook five balanced meals. You can also give them the lowdown on which supermarkets will offer the best value.

Try to anticipate the extra details that will help new students settle in, says Elizabeth O’Shea, a parenting specialist. When she was preparing for her eldest daughter to take up a place at St George’s, University of London, they went to the university to look at the room she had been allocated and spent time working out what she could take from the family home. The pair drew up a list of new items that would help turn her bare dorm into a homely space that reflected her personal tastes. They also explored the local area, sussing out the lie of the land and local shops. “It’s not always feasible, but it’s useful if you can,” she says.

Once the university has been picked, the A-level grades reached, and the bags packed, then it’s time for the big move. Lisa Heffernan runs the Grown and Flown website, aimed at parents of teenagers and university-age children. She says it’s important to explain to new students that homesickness and anxiety are a natural part of the transition. “If you just tell them that these will be the best four years of their life, and then they get homesick – as over half of kids do – they can end up feeling they’ve done something wrong, and that everyone else is having a good time, while they’re not.”

Staying in regular contact is an obvious remedy – although it’s important to work out boundaries in advance, as daily calls can be stressful. This can be particularly difficult in an age of constant communication: the temptation to bombard on WhatsApp is strong. “We’re blazing a new trail here,” explains Heffernan. “No generation has previously been able to stay in contact 24/7. We need to find out how to stay emotionally close as a family, while still allowing our kids to become the independent adults they need to be.”

Angelika Motycka, a student at the University of Law’s Chester campus, appreciated her parents’ offer to come home whenever she needed to. It was important that she felt she could contact them whenever, even in the middle of the night. “It’s quite stressful trying to fit in at university for the first few weeks,” she says. “But later on you don’t realise you’ve been there for three weeks already.”

To resist the urge to smother, parents need to also look after themselves. Ignore trite advice about finding new hobbies – they won’t replace the greatest loves of your life, advises Heffernan. Instead, look for strong, meaningful connections: charity work, reconnecting with your partner, seeking out old friends. In particular, finding other people who’ve been through the same experience, whether in your online social networks or the real world, can remind you that the way you’re feeling is totally normal.

Tips for a ‘safe landing’ at university

Know that your children are not you
Lots of parents obsess over the return on investment their children will get from university, says Woods. Consider value for money, but don’t try to shoehorn your child into a degree they’re not suited to.

Guide them through their decisions
Parents should help their children choose the right universities by drawing up a “personalised scoring matrix”, says Edge. Points should be accorded for location, ranking, living costs, employment stats, and – for example – nightlife or sports, depending on their interests.

Structure how you teach life skills
“From the age of 13 our children cooked one meal a week for the family, so they were fully able to cook before leaving home,” says O’Shea. She also recommends dividing their term’s budget by the number of weeks plus two, so there’s a little bit of wriggle room. But acknowledge that this will be tight: “It’s almost like a challenge – can you manage on this amount of money?”

Set clear parameters for communication
“Have that conversation early, rather than at a point where it might become stressful,” advises Todd. “And really make sure that it remains light and non-confrontational.” Use this time to discuss key concerns around mental health and wellbeing, and the consequences of drugs and alcohol.

Acknowledge the empty nest
The best way to cope is to look after yourself. Heffernan recommends treating yourself to a holiday after drop-off. “If you can afford it, plan something to look forward to, because there can be an enormous feeling of being let down when you first walk away,” she says.