Voices: A message to Vanessa Feltz: Despite the pain, breakups can be our greatest triumph

“I’m not going to let this defeat me”, says broadcaster Vanessa Feltz, emotionally announcing the end of her 16-year relationship. She is absolutely right to seek out “fun and laughter” wherever and however she can. Because a breakup, excruciatingly painful as it is, can turn out to be our moment of greatest triumph.

Once the dust has settled and the gut-wrenching pain has abated, a separation can provide an incredible opportunity for reflection, growth, and healing. We are our most authentic and vulnerable selves, full of renewed potential and strange febrile energy. Once we harness this intensity and repurpose it as a force for good, we are liberated, free to begin writing the next chapter of our lives.

Just look at actor and writer Rebecca Humphries, who blew up Twitter with a quietly dignified statement responding to her boyfriend, Seann Walsh, being caught on camera kissing his Strictly Come Dancing partner. I’ve been reading her memoir Why Did You Stay? this week, in preparation for interviewing her on my podcast. And I’ve been struck by how often we stay in relationships that we know aren’t right anymore. We just stay too long – because we have been socially conditioned to believe that a partnership should last forever; that we should celebrate anniversaries in ascending hierarchies of gifts, from wood and paper to rubies, gold, and diamonds.

I can’t possibly know the ins and outs of what has happened in Vanessa’s relationship. And I send her support and love at this difficult time. But I’m intrigued about how, prior to the introduction last year of “no–fault divorce”, many people would cite adultery as a “reason” for a separation. While many relationship therapists, researchers (and geeks like me who are fascinated by the psychological nuance and chess-like complexity of human connection would rather ask, “what is the reason for the adultery?”)

One thing I do know is that the two times I was cheated on, I had tried to leave the relationship before the affair had started. But I wasn’t quite brave enough to listen to the tiny voice inside of me and the voices of friends who cared for me that were all telling me not to go back.

For all these reasons, I was shocked and disappointed to read reports of a study that says that unhappy marriages are better for your health than being single or divorced. What a load of twaddle. When a relationship has become toxic, where communication and trust have fatally broken down, our core sense of self is eroded. Our sleep and appetites are interrupted. We become so fixated on pleasing our consistently unpleasable partners, that we forget to care for ourselves. This is the reddest of all red flags. It is time to go, rebuild and rediscover our agency and purpose.

Studies have shown that people who have experienced a breakup report, on average, five different categories of positive personal growth that they believe will improve the quality of their future relationships. These range from boosted self–confidence to learning how to be a better partner and, perhaps most crucially of all, how to choose a better partner. Framed in this context, a breakup sounds like an important life stage, a brave (if tentative) step into our future.

Of course, there can sometimes be pragmatic arguments for staying together for the kids, for the dog, for the in-laws, for the community of friends who will hate having to “take a side”, for the house, or for the more affluent lifestyle. Our finances do take a hit when we end things. And yes, this may have a knock-on effect on our diet. Yet there are all kinds of ways to live and eat communally that don’t involve staying in a relationship with someone who no longer respects you. Rebecca Humphries moved in with kind friends who rallied around her and offered nourishment in every sense.

I have learned from my polyamorous friends that we must not assume that a relationship’s duration is a measure of its value. Perhaps it is time that this thinking filtered through to our wider conversations about relationships.

Rosie Wilby is a comedian and the author of The Breakup Monologues (Bloomsbury)