Why are children so annoying? You asked Google – here’s the answer | Phil Daoust

Why are children so annoying? How long have you got? As a father (of one) and a stepfather (of two) here are the first 60 reasons that spring to mind. There are many, many more, and I’ve limited myself to the years between toddlerdom and adolescence. Got your own suggestions? The comments are open …

1. Because they won’t shut up. From the second they wake to that blissful moment when they close their eyes, their lips are flapping. They’ll tell you about their favourite toy, their new best friend, the bogey they’ve just fished out of their nose. Everything gets a running commentary.

2. Because they insist on a reaction. “Really?” and “Oh yes?” will only cut it for a couple of minutes.

3. Because when they’re not telling you stuff, they’re asking you stuff. Usually stupid things like, “What’s your favourite colour?”

4. Because they won’t accept your replies. Your favourite colour can’t be yellow, because yellow is yucky.

5. Because if there is more than one child in the room, the second will pay just enough attention to know that a question has been asked, but not what it was or how you answered it. He or she will then insist that you repeat it all.

6. Because they are always suffering. If they’re not losing teeth (not really their fault, to be fair), they’re stubbing their toes, or scraping their knees, or falling into nettles. And they’re such drama queens. “It’s like a knife in my mouth!” is how your typical nine-year-old describes an itchy gum.

7. Because they have no patience. If they need a tissue, they need it now. They’re never hungry but starving; never thirsty but dying of thirst.

8. Because they make you listen to Fun Kids (it’s a radio station).

9. Because they claim to believe in Father Christmas, the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy.

10. Because all of these cost you money.

11. Because they need your help. With scissors, with Sellotape, with buttons, shoe laces, ties …

12. Because they insist they don’t need your help.

13. Because they want to eat cereal without milk.

14. Because they won’t eat their crusts.

15. Because they want you to cut up their apples.

16. Because they put on “shows”.

17. Because they want you to play with them.

18. Because they will not leave you alone in the bathroom. Five seconds after that door shuts, they’re “desperate for a wee”, or a chat, or something. There’s always something.

19. Because they sometimes are desperate for a wee. Make them wait and you’ll need to get the mop out.

20. Because they can’t live in the present. No sooner has one birthday passed than they’re planning the next one, or Easter, or Halloween, or Christmas. And you’re going to hear about it all.

21. Because they won’t just put it in an email.

22. Because they’re obsessed with “potions” and “perfumes”.

23. Because these are actually flowers rotting in a glass of water.

24. Because they can’t see a glass of water without knocking it over.

25. Because they collect shoe boxes, which they call treasure chests.

26. Because that “treasure” is plastic tat.

27. Because they’re such terrible liars. As in, they do it all the time.

28. Because they’re such terrible liars. As in, they do it really badly.

29. Because they won’t let you throw anything out, whether it’s the building blocks they’ve had since their first birthday or the stick they picked up walking back from school.

30. Because it’s not just a stick. It’s “Mr Sticky”.

31. Because no, actually, it’s not “Mr Sticky.” It’s just “Sticky”. No – it’s “My little brother, Sticky McStickington”.

32. And because once it has a name, it has to have clothes, and a bed, and a place at the table, and everything you already begrudge providing for a living, breathing child.

33. Because every lid that needs to be on, they leave off.

34. Because they can’t wipe their bottoms properly.

35. Because they never, ever put their filthy underwear in the laundry basket.

36. Because if there’s more than one of them, not a day will go by without one punching, kicking, pinching or slapping the other(s).

37. Because the culprit will insist it was an accident.

38. Because they make you post letters to pop stars and TV presenters.

39. Because they can’t walk down the road without tripping over the one loose paving stone.

40. Because they try to tell you how the world works.

41. Because whenever you turn on the TV, it’s showing My Little Pony.

42. Because however tired they were last night, they still wake up too early.

43. Because they bring you cold toast and an orange and call it breakfast in bed.

44. Because they can’t find anything or anyone on their own. If they are at home and need their mother, for example, they will immediately approach someone who is not their mother and ask them where their mother is. It will never occur to them to look.

45. Because when they do find their mother, they will immediately ask her what she is doing – even when it’s something obvious like reading a book or making a cup of tea.

46. Because they want a phone.

47. Because they claim all their friends already have phones.

48. Because you can’t have sex till they’re asleep.

49. Because they want to stay up till midnight.

50. Because whenever you ask them to do something, the first word out of their mouths is, “Wait!”

51. Because the second word is, “Why?”

52. Because when you walk down the street with two or more of them, they will all insist on talking at you. And every single one will end up in tears because the other(s) “won’t let me speak”.

53. Because when you tell them you wish you could send them to boarding school, they think you’re joking.

54. Because every remark, even when it’s just you and them in the room, starts with your title, or your name. “Mummy …”, “Papa …”, “Phillo …” whatever. Every. Single. Remark. All. Day Long.

55. Because they can’t just eat their food. They have to play with it, dissect it, moan about it, complain it’s too hot when it’s not, theatrically blow on it and, most of all, reject it, because it’s got onions in it (what kind of weirdo doesn’t like onions?), or it’s green, or it’s got “bits” in it.

56. Because they can’t even sit down properly to eat it. If they’re not balancing on one buttock, they’re standing up, or actually running round the table.

57. Because they don’t cry when you tell them off.

58. Because they do cry when you brush their hair.

59. Because they turn you into a horrible, bitter grump.

60. And because when, eventually, they stop being such noisy, needy pains in the arse, they decide that they hate you and would rather die than have anything to do with you. And for some reason, even though that’s what you’ve been praying for for the past decade, that feels even worse.