Andrea Leadsom takes the road to tyranny via the sea of incompetence

Busy, busy. Andrea Leadsom rifled through her diary. She didn’t have a spare minute. Monday was taken up with emergency new electric toothbrush legislation. Tuesday parliament needed to discuss the possible addition of a new roundabout on the A12. Wednesday was always a half-day as everyone was a bit drained after PMQs. And Thursday she would have to be back in the Commons to let everyone know how tied up she would be for the week after. Soz.

Valerie Vaz was less than impressed. The shadow leader of the house had this silly idea that a government was meant to govern, that it ought to be coming up with some constructive ideas on things such as housing, education and the NHS. Or even, God forbid, Brexit.

She went on to question the government’s record on opposition day debates. The previous day it had been defeated 299-0 after its whips had ordered Tory MPs to abstain on a motion to pause the rollout of universal credit. Surely the least that was called for was a minister to make a statement on the government’s position to show it took parliament seriously? To do nothing and ignore the vote was just disrespectful and disorganised. “Parliament isn’t meant to be a school debating society,” Vaz observed. Several Tory MPs looked astonished. That’s precisely what they imagined it to be.

“You’ve been speaking a bit too quickly for me,” Leadsom replied. Everyone speaks too quickly for the leader of the house, whose brain often seems to be on a 30-minute delay. “So please forgive me if I forget to answer some of your points.” It’s been a Conservative tradition for a while now to find the dimmest person possible to put in charge of scheduling government business. Leadsom is a more than worthy successor to Andrew Lansley and Chris Grayling.

Leadsom glanced at her notes. The government wasn’t bound by the previous day’s resolution, but the opposition shouldn’t see its inactivity as a sign it wasn’t listening. Rather Labour should take its complacency as a mark of respect. It had listened so hard that it was completely exhausted. Besides, hadn’t the government showed some willing by ditching its premium rate helpline? To prove her point, Leadsom took out her phone and dialled up the leader of the house helpline. Press one for “hopeless”. Press two for “dim”. Press three for “you’re fired”.

As for the EU withdrawal bill, Leadsom couldn’t see why the opposition was getting so worked up about its non-appearance at the committee stage in the Commons. OK, so she knew she had promised it would see daylight weeks ago, but it wasn’t as if there were any pressing time concerns in relation to Brexit. One of her front bench colleagues gently reminded her that the prime minister had triggered article 50 back in March and that the government had less than 18 months to sort out something that would take most people at least seven years.

“Oh,” said Leadsom, sounding a bit taken aback at this piece of news. She took out her diary once more. Hmm. It wasn’t looking good, what with both the recess and the important upcoming legislation on cutting badgers’ toenails to a regulation length. There was an outside chance the EU withdrawal bill might make it before parliament before Christmas, but she couldn’t make any promises. But look on the bright side. Its non-appearance was yet another sign of just how seriously the government was taking its responsibilities.

All of this was too much even for some Tories. Edward Leigh observed that it was outrageous for the government to take no notice of opposition day debates. “The road to tyranny is paved by executives ignoring parliament,” he said. Peter Bone was equally insistent that the government needed to be democratically accountable. If the Tories are losing the backing of hardline rightwingers like Leigh and Bone, they are in even more trouble than anyone imagines.

With Leadsom drowning in her own sea of incompetence, Labour’s Chris Bryant went for sarcasm. As the government had no real ideas of its own, perhaps she could bring forward his private member’s bill? Like most things, this passed straight over Leadsom’s head and she promised to see what she could do.

Soon everyone was suggesting pointless legislation to fill government time. How about a bill allowing ferrets to self-identify as dogs? Brilliant, said Leadsom getting out her 2018 month-by-month planner. Anything to delay universal credit and the Brexit bill.