Yahoo News ‘The breakdown of my marriage left me with PTSD’
Divorce can have a seismic impact on the lives of those affected, in spite of being incredibly common (42% of marriages in England and Wales end with a trip to the solicitor's office, per the latest data, with January said to be the busiest time in solicitor's offices for people seeking to separate).
For some, this process can result in trauma, which might manifest in complex ways. Here, Camilla*, 46, an author from Wrexham explains how the breakdown of her union resulted in a case of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD.)
I found out my husband was having an affair back in 2008. We’d been married for seven years and I was six months pregnant with my daughter.
When I confronted him, telling him to pack his bags and leave, he denied it, insisting that the woman who left the incriminating voicemail I’d found on his phone must have called the wrong number. I didn’t believe him, but with a three-year-old son and a baby on the way, I was financially dependent on him and felt trapped.
Even when he confessed to the affair, days later, I told myself that, ultimately, it would be best for our children if we stayed together. I was crushed – but I wasn’t a quitter.
But from that moment on, I lost my confidence. I felt like the affair was my fault, certain that I must have done something to cause it. Looking back now, I put it down to the four miscarriages I’d had between my two children – it had been an emotional period and resulted in a lot of distance between us. Any time I’d try to bridge the gap and increase our closeness, it just made matters worse.
He promised he wouldn’t be unfaithful again, and that he’d be more affectionate and present in our marriage, but nothing ever changed. It was like being stuck on a hamster wheel, spinning round and round but not getting anywhere. In the following months, the affair chipped away at my identity; the ambitious, confident woman I’d been before was replaced by a version I didn’t recognise.
I took my husband having an affair as proof that I wasn’t attractive, and I couldn’t bear the sight of my reflection. I put on weight and began to dress in baggy tracksuits in an attempt to make myself invisible.
When, in March 2009, my mum died, I felt more lonely than ever. Then, a year and a half later, my husband left me.
Resigned to the fact that the life I’d clung on to had crumbled, I started divorce proceedings, only to discover we were £70,000 in debt. I was horrified – I didn’t know we were in such financial trouble, yet £23,000 was in my name, and I had no idea how to get out of it.
I felt completely out of control of my life and started suffering from disabling anxiety. My days would begin with me on the bathroom floor, either having a panic attack or trying to ward one off before the kids woke up and saw how broken I was.
Soon, the stress became too much and I began to self-harm, causing a physical sensation I could focus on to distract myself from the all-consuming emotional pain wrought by the situation I was in.
But it wasn’t until April 2013, when I couldn’t keep up with my mortgage repayments and my house was repossessed, that I truly hit rock bottom. I was forced back into rented accommodation with my father as a guarantor as I had no money of my own. I’d just turned 40, and my life was so far from where I’d thought it would be at this stage.
That turned out to be the motivation I needed to book an appointment with my GP, at which I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression and complex PTSD, which is essentially an information-processing disorder that arises from extended trauma.
I was prescribed antidepressants and referred to an NHS counsellor, but I didn’t feel either truly helped. I know I was lucky – some people are on waiting lists for months – but talking therapy didn’t really work for me, and I felt as though the medication was masking my symptoms.
It was only when my dad paid for me to go to a private therapist that I discovered eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy – a technique designed to make you relive the trauma in small doses while a therapist directs your eye movements in order to divert your attention. From my fourth session, I knew it was working; I finally felt like I was beginning to heal.
It was just one part of my toolkit, though. Thinking about the past or the future still triggered panic attacks, so I practised breathing exercises, which helped to anchor me in the present and make me feel safe.
Starting work for an online company that sold health and wellness products helped me to regain control of my finances by repaying my debts. In total, it took around four years to get my mental health back on track. But at the end of that journey, I realised that I wanted to help others who had been through similar trauma and decided to retrain as an EMDR therapist.
It’s taken me 12 years to get to this point, but right now, my mental health has never been better. Looking back, I wish I could tell my former self that she was always good enough and worthy of love.
I never doubt that now and, in a strange way, I’m grateful for the things I’ve been through that have taught me this one, truly vital lesson.
The expert take on divorce and PTSD
From Dr Sarah Vohra, NHS consultant psychiatrist, @themindmedic.
Separation or divorce can be an incredibly distressing experience for both parties, even more so when there are dependents involved. Each party may experience rollercoaster emotions, which can initially resemble a grief reaction, from the shock, the anger of ‘why me’, the despair over how it will impact their life, to accepting it and learning to come to terms with their new reality, independent of their partner.
These psychological symptoms can persist longer than some would expect and may lead to the development of clinical depression or anxiety – which can manifest as panic attacks and self-harming.
Such symptoms can impact an individual’s ability to function within their family and friendship circles– and even at work. They may require psychological treatment (therapy) or medication to manage their symptoms.
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