Budget 2017: What Philip Hammond said – and what he really meant

What Philip Hammond said: I report today on an economy that continues to grow, continues to create more jobs than ever before and continues to confound those who seek to talk it down.

What he really meant: It’s all a bit baffling that, despite Brexit and low growth, jobs are still being created in such numbers. I don’t understand it, but Jeremy Corbyn doesn’t understand it even more.

What he said: The negotiations on our future relationship with the EU are in a critical phase. My Right Honourable Friend the Prime Minister has been clear that we seek a deep and special partnership.

What he meant: She’s talking about me, of course. We had a bit of a rocky patch, but she can’t get rid of me while the Brexit talks are at such a delicate stage. Stick that up your economicky jumper, Michael Gove.

What he said: We have already invested almost £700m in Brexit preparations. And today I am setting aside over the next two years another £3bn.

What he meant: Those Brexiters can’t decide. First they said we’d save money by leaving the EU, then they complained when I refused to spend money preparing for Brexit. Have it your way: I told you Brexit would cost us a fortune.

What he said: We choose to run towards change, not away from it.

What he meant: If we run fast enough over the cliff, we shall fly.

What he said: To prepare our people to meet the challenges ahead, not to hide from them. And the prize will be enormous.

What he meant: If I keep it simple, do some jokes that aren’t too terrible and have a bribe for young homeowners at the end, the prize is that I get to keep my job.

What he said: I am being tempted by something a little more exotic. I will stick to plain water.

What he meant: This is the cue for some good-natured badinage with my good friend the Prime Minister Who Doesn’t Want to Sack Me Any More about cough sweets. Hope Theresa remembered to bring them.

What he said: I shall first report to the House on the economic forecasts of the independent Office for Budget Responsibility. This is the bit with the “long, economicky words”.

What he meant: I’m enjoying this. Post-neoclassical endogenous growth theory to you, Michael.

What he said: Mr Deputy Speaker, I am acutely aware that 1.4 million people out of work is 1.4 million too many.

What he meant: Because I expressed myself loosely to Andrew Marr on Sunday. Acutely aware.

What he said: I am immensely proud of this government’s record in having created over 3 million new jobs since 2010. A far cry, incidentally, from the 1.2m job losses predicted by the Hon Member for Hayes and Harlington (John McDonnell) in 2011.

What he meant: No idea where they came from. David Cameron and George Osborne couldn’t understand it. But Labour got it wrong. We can understand that. Yah boo.

What he said: The OBR has assumed at each of the last 16 fiscal events that productivity growth would return to its pre-crisis trend of about 2 per cent a year, but it has remained stubbornly flat. So today they revise down the outlook for productivity growth, business investment, and GDP growth across the forecast period.

What he meant: It’s all going a bit pancake, but luckily I’m not in charge of forecasts so Robert Chote at the OBR can soak up the embarrassment of having to make the downgrade.

What he said: So I am pleased to tell the House that OBR expects debt to peak this year, and then gradually to fall as a share of GDP.

What he meant: Debt will start to fall as a share of national income tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. Then Brexit will happen and it will all be so awful that no one will remember what George Osborne or I promised and when.

What he said: I reaffirm our pledge of fiscal responsibility and our commitment to the fiscal rules I set out last autumn. But now I choose to use some of the headroom I established then. So that as well as reducing debt, we can also invest in Britain’s future.

What he meant: Headroom. It means I can save money and spend it at the same time. It’s one of those economicky words, Michael. You wouldn’t understand.

What he said: Mr Deputy Speaker, Britain is the world’s sixth largest economy.

What he meant: Yes, it seems only yesterday we were calling it the fifth, before that it was the fourth and a long time ago the largest. The important thing is to manage decline while sounding insouciantly cheerful and optimistic about it.

What he said: Those who underestimate Britain, do so at their peril.

What he meant: Yeah, but it’s not that dangerous.

What he said: There is perhaps no technology as symbolic of the revolution gathering pace around us as driverless vehicles. I know Jeremy Clarkson doesn’t like them. But there are many other good reasons to pursue this technology.

What he meant: My officials told me I was “very brave” to be rude about a popular TV presenter. I said it is important to stand up for your principles.

What he said: Audiences across the country, glued to Blue Planet II, have been starkly reminded of the problems of plastics pollution … With My Right Honourable Friend the Environment Secretary I will investigate how the tax system and charges on single-use plastic items can reduce waste.

What he meant: It’s Michael Gove’s problem.

What he said: I am pleased to be able to accept the representation I have received from the TUC to continue to fund UnionLearn, which I recognise as a valuable part of our support to workplace learning. I got an email from Len [McCluskey, leader of Unite] asking me specially.

What he meant: The Labour Party won’t know what to say about this. “Tin ear” for politics indeed. I can do jokes about maths and stick it to Corbyn’s lot.

What he said: The Scottish National Party knew the rules, but the Scottish people should not lose out just because of the obstinacy of the SNP. So we will legislate to allow VAT refunds [for Scottish Police and Fire authority] from April 2018.

What he meant: I can whack the Scots Nats too.

What he said: The switch to universal credit is a long overdue and necessary reform. Replacing Labour’s broken system that discouraged people from working more than 16 hours a week.

What he meant: Unfortunately it was designed by Iain Duncan Smith. It’s a nightmare and I’ve had to find £1.5bn to try to avert meltdown.

What he said: Today, income inequality is at its lowest level in 30 years. The top 1 per cent are paying a larger share of income tax than at any time under the last Labour government. The poorest 10 per cent have seen their real incomes grow faster since 2010 than the richest 10 per cent.

What he meant: The Opposition cannot cope with these figures. They come as a complete surprise to me, to be honest, but I’ll take my ammunition from anywhere. The one thing I can be sure of is that Corbyn’s response will make me look good.

What he said: This will mean a bottle of whisky will be £1.15 less in 2018 and a pint of beer 12p less. So, Merry Christmas, Mr Deputy Speaker.

What he meant: Ho ho ho.

What he said: I am therefore exceptionally, and outside the Spending Review process, making an additional commitment of resource funding of £2.8 billion to the NHS in England – £350m immediately to allow trusts to plan for this winter.

What he meant: To those calling on me to meet the Brexiters’ promise of £350m a week for the NHS, I’ll give them £350m extra for the remaining 20 weeks of the financial year. Put that in your pipes, Boris and Michael.

What he said: I want to turn to the challenge of the housing market … This is a complex challenge. There is no single magic bullet.

What he meant: All those who had “silver bullet” in Budget Bingo: ha-blooming-ha.

What he said: If we don’t increase supply of land for new homes, more money will inflate prices, and make matters worse.

What he meant: And that is of course precisely what I propose to do, but no spoilers. You’ll have to wait until the end.

What he said: In particular, building high-quality, high-density homes in city centres and around transport hubs.

What he meant: You, know, those horrible modern blocks of flats with balconies at odd angles.

What he said: But the solution will not deliver itself.

What he meant: Yes, I put that in just to see if anybody was still paying attention.

What he said: I want to do more still. I’ve received representations for a temporary stamp duty holiday to first-time buyers.

What he meant: Wait for it, wait for it.

What he said: So, with effect from today, for all first-time buyer purchases up to £300,000, I am abolishing stamp duty altogether. To ensure that this relief also helps first-time buyers in very high price areas like London, it will also be available on the first £300,000 of the purchase price of properties up to £500,000.

What he meant: Yes, house prices will just go up to compensate for the tax cut, resulting in a windfall gain to house sellers, but nobody understands these economicky things. Supply and demand, that kind of stuff.

What he said: When we say we will revive the home-owning dream in Britain, we mean it.

What he meant: It’s going to remain a dream for millions.