How rock and politics don’t mix

Even mainstream American politicians seem like unhinged lunatics to us Brits. Take Republican candidate Rick Perry, it was revealed this week that until recently his family ranch was called Niggerhead, or his rival Michelle Bachman who thinks Hurricane Irene was a manifestation of God's wrath at government overspending. They're radio rental and that's what makes American politics so much more engaging than ours. It was the last of the party conferences this week, an exercise in ennui during which even the Prime Minister appeared to be on the edge of passing out (during the Chancellor's keynote speech). Once, back in 2002, in an effort to prevent the audience slipping into a collective coma Theresa May wore some leopard-print shoes.

It was rumoured that this year she was going to go a step further, exiting stage left to 'Rocks' by Primal Scream. A racy choice for a conference audience who probably consider Cliff Richard to be dangerously subversive, especially as the song contains lyrics like: "Dealers keep dealin', thieves keep thievin'," and "Get your rocks off, get your rocks off, honey ..."

She didn't actually use the song, preferring the Dandy Warhols, however the misunderstanding led Primal Scream to issue a statement that they "…are totally disgusted that the Home Secretary Theresa May ended her speech at the Tory party conference with our song Rocks."

They continued, offering a rather more strident critique of the government than Ed Miliband has been able to muster: "Cameron, Osborne, Gove, Howard, Clegg etc. They are legalised bullies passing new laws to ensure the wealthy stay wealthy, taking the side of big business while eradicating workers' rights and continuing their attacks on young people, single parents and OAPs…" One can't be quite sure why they mention Howard, given that Michael is not even an MP anymore, however they conclude: "The Tories are waging a war on the disenfranchised, they are the enemy." It's probably not quite the reaction the Home Secretary was looking for but livening up politics with music has always been a tricky business. Here's my musical review of the tracks politicians have found themselves in trouble over:

1) Tony Blair vs Sham 69 — If The Kids Are United ("they will never be divided!")

A punk anthem that may have been chosen by Blair as a message to that unlikeliest of "kids" Gordon Brown. Singer Jimmy Pursey doubted its suitability as did Labour delegates, one of whom was quoted by the BBC as saying "Sham 24/7" may have been more apt.

2) David Cameron vs The Jam, The Smiths, Billy Bragg and more

Part of Cameron's strategy to appear normal was to talk about popular music. He seemed to have a taste for anti-Thatcher classics like a 'Town Called Malice', stating in his defence: "I don't see why the left should be the only ones allowed to listen to protest songs."

3) Margaret Beckett vs The Animals — The House of the Rising Sun

Watching Beckett 'sing' this classic about a New Orleans whore house fills the viewer with a mix of shame and embarrassment, followed by a slight depression. Be warned.

4) Gordon Brown vs Arctic Monkeys

The ex-Prime Minister famously needed a focus group to tell him what biscuit to say he liked, so you can imagine picking a band wasn't easy. After saying he was a fan of the Sheffield band he was asked to name his favourite Arctic Monkey's track by a men's mag and completely fluffed his lines, simply stating that they're loud before later admitting to actually liking Coldplay.

5) William Hague vs Massive Attack

Surely the aural equivalent of the infamous baseball cap, Hague's consultants binned tradition Tory conference theme 'Land of Hope and Glory' (in 2000) with 'Man Next Door' by the Bristol band, who promptly issued a statement that could have provided a template for Primal Scream stating among other things that: "Massive Attack have not and will never support the Conservative party or their policies."

In conclusion politicians are the ultimate disco vicars and increasingly a boring breed apart, a different sort of human who probably can't dance, play sport or look normal in clothes except a suit. Attempts to prove otherwise, especially concerning music, generally fall flat.